30th April 2016 at 6:50 am #15887
It is now over two months of No Contact, most of my days are spent with a deep sadness & despair, a gaping hole in my heart and a huge emptiness in my life. A mental health professional told me that it is normal to experience this for around 3 to 6 months following a break up. I wish I didn’t feel this way. I think this weekend may be particularly hard as I have been contacted by his daughter in law telling me that he is visiting, the last time that he visited I was with him, it was something that we did together. I miss him so much and think almost to the point of obsession, I think about making some form of contact. But i know in my heart this would be opening up a dreadful can of worms. I have tried to remind myself why we split in the first place. It feels like i have been discarded, he possibly started seeing someone else and hasn’t had time for me to cross his mind. I want him to feel sad, to think about me and regret breaking up with me. He was so important to me & what I gave for that relationship has affected me deeply now. He just took, made my life so unhappy and moved on.
30th April 2016 at 7:50 am #15889betterdaysParticipant
Hi healthy archive I understand 100 percent. I feel exactly the same as you do. I have kept going to pick my phone up to send a message but something’s stopped me. I guess I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of laughing at me on the other end. He were texting me up until last week as iv a son with him. But I just ignored him so he’s doing same now. It’s probably part of his game again. But in my mind I’m having to think to myself is he going to leave it now with his son or will he ever knock on my door. I were with him nearly 2 decades. I long for him to change but I know it’s never going to happen. He won’t be sat worrying over me and my boys hes enjoying himself in the pub or at least seems to be. I’ve been nc 3 weeks early days yet. Been separated (detail removed by Moderator) mnths my hearts breaking but he’s poison and I have to be strong we all do. X*x
30th April 2016 at 8:03 am #15891Eve1Participant
Hi Healthy archive,
It is so hard, there’s no getting away from it. Having had contact with his daughter will definitely be having a negative effect too. Be very gentle with yourself and kind, whenever you can.
Keep reminding yourself of why you split, and how unhappy he made you when you were together and keep posting on here.
From reading your posts, you seem to be resourceful. and kind. You will get through this, however long it takes.
30th April 2016 at 8:07 am #15892
Hi Betterdays, thanks for your feedback. I am fairly confident i won’t make any contact, its just feeling better, its so hard. If i was certain it was issues in me, my personality it would be easier to manage but i’m not sure why i’m so down. This morning i accidentally saw an email with his name on it, I was filled with horror & dread, I think if we did have any form of contact at all this would have such a bad effect on me. Someone said to me about the Cycle of Grief or the Cycle of Loss, both of which seem to help, what I am going through is a bit like a grieving process. Just a sincere sorry from him and for us to be friends would make me feel so much better.
30th April 2016 at 8:10 am #15893
Thank you Eve1 that is very kind of you. Last night the comfort eating I did was so awful, loads of junk & coke and didn’t brush my teeth before bed. My house is a bit dirty and I feel empty and lonely. I’ve seen some really exciting weekends away coming up with my walking group which i’m going to book onto which lifts my spirits. This forum is so helpful isn’t it. X*X
30th April 2016 at 8:38 am #15896SerenityParticipant
I understand. Some days since have been so painful, and I have felt overwhelmed by the experience.
I am speaking for myself here, but I have realised that I let him slowly take my strength and resilience over the years. He put down everything that was individual about me. He tried to break me down, make me a diluted version of himself so he could abuse me as he wished, before throwing me on the rubbish heap.
However, something else was happening beneath all this. My individuality was struggling to come into flower again, and he knew this. He was petrified,because he thought he had made me a total victim, and I was actually a survivor, and showing signs of strength. He fled like a coward.
I think all of us ladies here possess that inner strength and wisdom. I can sense it in every post I read.
I quoted here before something a friend write to me:
“He thought he’d crushed you underfoot and stamped out all the sunlight, shovelling enough diet in you to kill you, but there is a little shoot there that I’d waiting to grow and burst into flower, without that strangulating narcissistic w**d.”
I think the way to overcome this gaping hole (eventually) is to come to believe that our abusers aren’t more charismatic, powerful, interesting or resilient than us. We have a lot of inner strength.
My ex used to laugh at the things I said and make me feel my opinions were stupid and worthless, that he was cleverer, more informed and interesting than me. But in fact, other people have told me that isn’t true. I think we are lacking in self-belief and think that our abusers hold the power, and that their abuse had the power to affect us long after we are gone.
Whilst this us true to an extent, that we need to go through the cycle of healing ( which unfortunately takes time), I do believe that we have what it takes to find ourselves and live a mad and crazy life again!
Our abusers made us hyper vigilant, scared,self-conscious, lacking in confidence and made us question ourselves. But we need to believe that we are our own power houses of energy and wisdom. We are normal. We are strong, loving, wise, resilient. The abuse is part of us, yes, but we will learn to deal with it in a way that means we have control over it.
Our abusers didn’t want us to be ourselves. They wanted us to be their support act, their verbal, emotional or physical punch bags, our only worth being what we could add to their existence. Well we can live for just being us, not place our value on what or how much we do for abusers. We can move towards being the ‘us’ that we never allowed ourselves to be and that our abusers never allowed us to be.
I think our abusers made us feel our identity was just to reflect them and that our value was measured by how much we lived up to their ridiculous and punitive standards. I think a way forward ( eventually) for us ladies will be to recognise what makes us individuals, to rediscover that lost self, to do the things we never had the courage to do and to explore our individual gifts, quirks and talents- what makes us who we are ( who we were before we were abused, who we still are underneath it all, and who we were never allowed to be).
We can become powerful in ourselves and we can become radically who we really are. Many of us come from childhoods where our families didn’t let us be who we really are, either. The future is our time, time to be ‘us with bells on.’ I believe to be with an a user, ironically, you need to be a very strong person. We all have that strong core hiding away.
30th April 2016 at 8:55 am #15898SerenityParticipant
If we shovel enough of the dirt away and peel back enough layers of the onion ( through counselling, support etc) that shoot will be free to grow again.
30th April 2016 at 9:12 am #15899
Thank you for your response Serenity. I am confident that I will not make contact with him or anybody that he knows and I am reasonably comfortable with this. Its just the grieving and emptiness I feel. Part of me feels that this is an opportunity being presented to me to deal with any issues within myself, i’e develop more of an independent social life and not be so reliant on a man to make me feel complete, for all of my adult life I have had a man somewhere in the background and have never been totally single. I really appreciate your words, they really do help, i save your posts as favorites & refer to them later. X
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