Why can’t he accept what he’s done?

[tiredofitall]

I’m pushing ahead with divorce and house sale from my husband. He is (detail removed by Moderator) and cannot accept that I’ve made this decision and he’s full of how he’s the victim and I’m doing this to him. He can’t accept at all that his behaviour over many years is the reason why I can’t take anymore. Years of emotional manipulation, nothing I do is right, if we ever went anywhere or did anything that wasn’t his idea then he’d spoil it in some way. If I allowed myself to share anything emotional or sensitive with him then it would be used at some point as and example of how I’m selfish/weak/etc. Our children are teenagers and have seen and experienced their dad. And he treats them the same. All his intentions are self serving. So while we are living in the same house while we sell the house its absolutely awful. The kids don’t want anything to do with him and he blames me. He’s now got a new theory saying that I’ve implanted false memories and stories in their minds to make them dislike him and none of what happened really happened. It’s a joke but also exasperating as he’s essentially claiming that he’s the one being abused…by me! I just don’t know if he will ever be able to reflect on anything. I just don’t know what to make of it all. I’m almost asking myself if his version could be true? Is this something they do??

[RedStrawberry]

Me ex would do the same, tell a completely different version of the same event. He would always change it by taking out his bad behaviour blaming it all on me. It made me think I was going crazy and he’d accuse me of gaslighting him! He was always use stuff I told him against me too. I think they just like playing games and watching us suffer as it makes them feel good. And what is it about everything having to be their idea or its not a good one? I rember sharing an idea about something and him totally dismissing it only for maybe a year later him having exactly the same idea and then denying I’d ever said anything.

My kids are only young and already he’s not putting their needs first when he has them. I’m dreading when he starts on them with the criticisms and making them feel not good enough cos I know he won’t be able to help himself.

I’m guessing he doesn’t like it cos YOU’VE made the decision not him. Youve taken some of his control. My ex would make life changing decisions without discussing them he’d just tell me that’s what was happening and ignored any concerns I had or got angry cos I disagreed. Whereas I had to justify any little thing i did.

Well done for staying strong and sticking to you guns

[SingleMomSurvivor]

My ex did the exact same thing. He would be incredibly abusive & if I had any sort of reaction to it at all, like raising my voice when he was verbally abusing me, then he’d use it as “evidence” that he was the victim & that I was unhinged & abusive. Even though we are no longer together he still harbors anger towards me & blames me for his life unraveling the way it did after I left him. I’m certain that he will never admit the harm he’s done.

These men won’t ever admit to us that they were abusive or in the wrong. Abusers are somehow able to do terrible awful things to their victims but still genuinely think of themselves as kind, good people & find warped justifications for their abusiveness.

Have you read Lundy Bancroft’s book
“Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry & Controlling Men.”
I believe the pdf is online for free. That book helped me to really make sense of what I had experienced with my ex.

Bravo for pushing ahead with your divorce! That takes a lot of strength & courage.

[Eggshells]

Hi tiredofitall

As others have indicated, this is something they do. (detail removed by Moderator). They never, ever accept responsibility for their own behaviour. They see themselves as perfect so nothing could ever be their fault. To maintain that ideal of themselves they blame others for their behaviour and the consequences of that behaviour.

(detail removed by Moderator). They genuinely seem to believe their own version of the truth so it will never change.

[tiredofitall]

Honestly don’t know where I’d be without the support of people on here supporting me and reassuring me. They mess with your minds so much and you end up wondering if maybe they are right! You’ve given me the extra bit I needed to know I’m doing the right thing. I just need to accept that he will never see it that way. And I hate doing anything that upsets people so that’s the bit I get stuck on. I want him to agree that this is the right thing and I need to let go. I haven’t read Lundy Bancroft but will find it. Maybe that will help me let go too.

[Wants To Help]

Hi tiredofitall,

Get the book, it really will help you understand the situation you are in. He won’t accept what he has done because he only sees things from his perspective. That doesn’t mean he is right and you are wrong, it just means he believes his truth and he’s not going to budge from that, just as you shouldn’t budge from your truth.

We are never too old to learn or educate ourselves. On here, we are learning all the time, we are sharing what we have learned and encouraging others to learn too, but abusers are ‘stuck’ in who they are and are not prepared to consider they are wrong or try different ways to deal with situations, it’s their way only. They will never read about abuser behaviour and identify themselves as we read about it and identify ourselves and what we have become as a result of their behaviour.

Focus on what you can change not what you can’t. You can change how you respond to him, how you interact with him etc. If you’re still living together while going through a divorce I can only imagine what a nightmare this will be, he’ll drag it out as long as possible and make it as difficult as possible because he does not want the end result that you do. Go ‘grey rock’ as much as you can, live independently as much as you can, be civil when you have to be, but decide what your boundaries are going to be and stick to them. It is highly unlikely you will get any compromise from him at all so you have to stick this ‘fight’ out to the end to ensure you get from it what you want to achieve.

xx

[Twisted Sister]

Hi tiredofitall

You need to believe in yourself, and hopefully you do now feel more confident in your own truths and experiences as a result of the support you are getting, and believing in yourself and hanging onto your experiences as the truth is vital. Alongside that you have to balance keeping safe, whilst living with someone who is abusive, and potentially has disordered thinking and thoughts of hatred or harms towards you, so my advice would be to just pacify him as much as you can, just to get through this process safely.

Have you taken advice from any domestic abuse agencies? They will be able to supply you with ways of keeping safe as you all can during this most risky part of your interactions with him.

Such things may be to always keep your phone in your pocket, and to have an instant dial number programmed into it to make an immediate call out, even if you can’t speak.

Also, to be very aware of his triggers that would usually escalate his behaviour. For me, and many other women, to laugh at or ignore them is a massive flashpoint of escalation of their rage/aggression.

You may have to walk eggshells a little longer, just to stay safe in this more risky stage. Do speak to agencies if you haven’t so far, to find out methods of keeping you all safe.

Believe in yourself, you know whats happened, you know who he is now. Keep safe.

warmest wishes

ts

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