Why can’t he get help?

[Happinessisall]

Hi all,
First time I’ve written on here.
I’ve been abused twice, verbally and emotionally abused daily.
When we first met it was love at first sight. House and child came along. It was perfect. Just before child was born, I noticed slight changes in his behaviour.
Lack of care, concern, affection, stressed, snappy, very irritable. I walked on egg shells, comforted when he needed it, gave affection because I felt sorry for him as he was stressed with work (I think).

I felt lonely, ignored, angry, sad, ghost and the main carer
For our child. I couldn’t express my feelings as he had all his own negative emotions to deal with.

After a period of time and under the influence of alcohol, the name calling began, me too I had been drinking, I just had to argue back and my emotions came pouring out with a vengeance.

I want him back in my life to be the partner that I fell in love with. I don’t think he knows how much emotional and verbal abuse he has caused me. Like he says it’s “banter”. He holds up this guard and you can’t break it down to express yourself to him.
Does he know Deep down what he has done? Does he feel sorry? Does he feel
Embarrassed?
He is still messaging me as he has moved out temporarily but still belittles me calling me stubborn. He hasn’t discussed the latest incident from 2016.

I just don’t know where I stand.
I want him to talk to someone and open up to them about how he is feeling. But he is the stubborn one. He is better and knows best.
He saw nothing wrong with the relationship. But ignoring your loved one in the same room day and day out and nothing to discuss.
I hated evenings after child had gone to bed.
I just new it was going to be a quiet night on my own.

Where do I go from here?
I want him to get help. Do I help him?

[KIP.]

Can you ring the helpline or contact your local women’s aid? He is responsible for his own actions. He won’t even acknowledge there is a problem. My ex was exactly the same. Look after yourself and your child. Abusers never change. They just don’t think the way we do. He will justify away his behaviour and pass all the guilt onto you. Yes he knows what he has done but has no empathy. Whatever happened he will blame you for it. He doesn’t feel sorry either. Otherwise he would have shown remorse and got help. Save yourself x

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

How about focusing on yourself, if we wants to get help he will, they tend to think about themselves , they dotncare about changing its their rules only

[Lisa]

Hi Happinessisall,

Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. I’m afraid you’ve explained a typical abusive man who will not take any responsibility for his behaviour. It’s understandable that you’re feeling very upset and confused about this. It’s natural to wish that the person he was at the beginning would come back; but sadly all abusive men are like this at the beginning of a relationship; if they weren’t we would never choose to be with them! Unfortunately the person they are at the beginning is a guise, it’s not real.

You explain how he has made you feel- lonely, ignored, angry, sad- this is not how you should feel in a relationship. You deserve to feel loved, supported and safe.

I also understand why you are wondering if he could get help. However I would encourage you to listen to the advice given to you above from women who really know, and put all your energy into looking after yourself and your child.

Please consider calling the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 to speak to a female support worker in confidence; she will not tell you what to do but is there to listen, talk about the dynamics of an abusive relationship and talk through your options.

Kind Regards and Keep posting,

Lisa

[Author]

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