why can’t i do it?

[seaglass]

I know i need to, I know its the right thing but its like I’m frozen to the spot.
He has not been as horrible, except when he goes in to interrogation mode about the situation, why I don’t want him close to me, what is going on, how does he need to behave, etc etc he fires questions at me so fast I don’t feel able to respond, but even then maybe it is me thats too sensitive? He says I don’t “have his back” but I think because I have told/asked people about what is going on I maybe finally have my own back?
He says he could write a list as long as mine about the things i have done and said so now
Im full of doubt, I’m by no means perfect and can probably be quite difficult to live with.
I don’t even know what I’m worried about, except I realised the other day how I am far more
comfortable with my own discomfort than causing someone elses discomfort, even if they have caused hurt.
How do I summon up the courage to say the words?

[diymum@1]

Honey xx as youve said above youd never put anyone in this ‘discomfort’ so you wouldnt hurt someone thats because you understand what love is. love is when you set someone free when theyre not happy anymore that is real love. he sounds very insecure – you know DA is generational i bet if you look back at his family tree there is a history of this its learned behaviour. as ive said in another post these men have no emotional intelligence or empathy. this problem is rife and always has been but you dont have to put up with this. your probably trauma bonded to him. we often ask on her are we the abuser. thats because these men project and we get conditioned. thats what this is that your feeling and its strong. u need to take the bull by the horns get a plan and get womens aid to support you xx were here 🙂

[PaleBlueStar]

What you’ve said sounds so familiar to me.

My husband will always tell me I’m far worse. I’ve caused it. I need to behave. I’m the bully. I’m the abuser. I will lose everything. I’m mentally unstable.

It’s worked until lockdown.

I’ve been putting off starting my next chapter for years. Because my husband utterly drains and squashes and crushes me. And I get the self doubt and believe him.

And I have spent so much of our marriage lying for him. Covering it all up. Pretending everything in the garden is rosy. It’s a habit I’m going to struggle to break. Repeating the lines he gives me. Telling everyone how hard he works. What a great dad he is. How busy busy busy he is. None of it is true.

When actually here am I – a professional woman with x children – allowing herself to be treated in a disgusting manner day in and day out.

Don’t believe your abuser. It’s gas lighting.

See you on the other side!

Star x

[diymum@1]

you actually stand more to gain 🙂 you sound strong independent dont let this fear stop you. the feelings these men put in us arent real xx youll see that once your out xx all smoke and mirrors

[Beautifulday]

hi @seaglass

I’m so sorry to hear how your feeling, if it makes you feel slightly better Im in a similar situation and want out and every time he does something horrible or has a nasty outburst I think right thats it im going then boom hes all nice as pie which then makes me doubt myself, after reading up on cycle of abuse, trauma bonding etc I am now wising up to it and can recognise it. I posted my first post on here around 2 months ago and was so so scared and nervous as I felt like a fraud but other ladies were quick to reply and confirm what I thought that yes it is abuse, lockdown for me brought it all into perspective, before that I was busy working and we didn’t see each other much so I kind of got on with life even though I wasn’t happy, during lockdown I was furloughed he wasn’t so I had time to reflect , sit still think and this gave me a light bulb moment. I spent many hours walking alone in nature and I felt comforted and felt more and more uncomfortable being around him. I rang my local Wa again something I never thought I would do but so glad I did. And I can’t believe I’m saying this but I spoke to a solicitor today to see where I stand , im not progressing it yet but I know where she is when I decide to. I feel much more stronger, so I would say to those who are in a similar situation defintely find a solicitor to chat through your options mine wss very very helpful and understanding and gave me 30 mins free in that time I made sure i got out all i wanted to ask regarding the house etc and I also sent her a background email prior to this. I was so nervous but glad I’ve made that step Im making small progress but it all adds up.
Keep going lovely you may feel stuck I know I do but know that it won’t be forever and we will be free, take baby steps take each day as it comes and try not to look too far ahead x*x

[Lotus20]

Hi seaglass all the respectful and lovely ladies.
I can’t tell how much I feel the same, I have been more determined to leave only since last x weeks and yes the lockdown has helped in ways to brings things more into my attention too, although I also add that is a very stressful journey and at times confusing as you mentioned when things get intens or all calm and gentle. All I can do is to look back and see how never anything has changed truely, it is all in words and no actions or the actions are just moved from one abusive behaviorbr to another one. I also feel somewhat bad that I also pretended that everything is OK to my friends and family and everyone whilst deep inside nothing was OK and the wound and hurt was just getting deeper.
As I’m typing things I try not to feel the guilt as I am reminded by your posts and other posts here that I never ever disrespected him, never used bad language or hurtful comments, always supported him whilst he did exactly the opposite and every time apologies has been just words that he didn’t mean them though I beleived him or wanted to belive him at the time. But now I have lost all my trust on him and it hurts so much just to be in the same place with him.
I can not wait to free myself and build myself again. I know is hard and scary and I care all about my little one and her wellbeing is all I want. The damage is now towards the baby too and that’s what I tell myself it was for the baby that I tried to stay and did everything and it’s for baby that I need to take more responsibility and actions that are helpful and assertive rather than living in a cycle of abuse that only destroys me everyday more and would damage baby too.
Thanks for your sharing and I feel the same.

[seaglass]

Thank you for taking the time to reply, it is so appreciated and helpful in reminding me I am not alone.
I think he has ‘trained’ me ( or I have allowed my self to be trained) to believe I am really unreasonable and difficult, so I dare not expect much of him. I feel quite intimidated and anxious tonight as he has swung from asking pleasant practical questions to challenging me on something. I have not responded, I know this frustrates him hugely and am sure he will keep at it until I crack and then there will be a ‘discussion’ where it will be all turned around on me. It is ok to not respond? Im trying to keep myself feeling emotionally strong and the minute I let him in he twists and turns and constantly tells me how awful it is for him.

@beautifulday I have also spoken to a solicitor, just in case , as i Think he will not be happy unless he gets 50/50 childcare, with our son who spends as much time as possible with me, though he of course thinks thats my fault rather than his as he considers he is a great dad.

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