Why can’t I help myself?

[Lonelyloner]

I had a call arranged with a local organisation to get help and I couldn’t do it, I physically couldn’t even answer the phone.

I know I need to get out, I know I need to prioritise me and my kids but with all the rational and logic I still couldn’t do it.

Fear and conditioning probably but I couldn’t shake the feeling I was doing the wrong thing and that I’d end up making things worse for everyone.

Now of course I regret it, he’s doing his usual and I’m feeling worse than normal because I know I had the opportunity to break out of this never ending cycle and I screwed it up. Do we just like pain? My eyes are open and I know this isn’t love or the life I want to lead and yet I can’t seem to help myself?

I’m so tired and alone. Maybe I’m the problem.
Maybe they’d all be better off without me.

[nbumblebee]

Hey No no you are not to blame and most definatly no they would not be better off without you.
Your abuser has made you feel this way they have beaten you down so much that you cant see any other way but there is a way and you know that.
You were brave enough to reach out and you almost took that call right? So try again.
Look at it this way if one of your kids couldnt tie their shoe laces would you tell them to give up that it didnt matter or would you tell them to keep trying, that one day they will achieve it?
Tell yourself that. It doesnt matter how many times you call them and then you dont act, it doesnt matter how long it takes you what matters is that you dont lose that fight in your belly you dont lose that knowledge that you want and need to get free thats what matters.
Be proud of how far you have come, be proud that you are now trying calm yourself down re light that fire and try again and again and again
Never ever give up. Sending hugs x*x

[Bananaboat]

You ARE helping yourself and it is perfectly ok to go at your own speed. Just being here and reaching out to those supports are further forward than you were a few weeks ago. It’s really scary to take these steps, you’ve been surviving so long without anyone knowing what life is actually like, telling ppl even those who understand and are there to help, is daunting. You also still hope it’s all wrong and he’s not a bad guy – we all do that. I also hate speaking on the phone, I know my emotions will kick in too, so whenever possible I email. Could you do that?

If not, keep trying, rearrange the call. You’ll feel those nerves before it rings and whilst it rings but deep breath, answer it. You can always hang up. If you can’t answer again, keep trying. You got this.

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