Why can’t I just sign it already?!

[iwillbeok]

Recieved decree nisi paperwork from solicitors. Have been procrastinating about signing it. Once signed, I’ll then have to get over the hurdle of posting it! This is what I want – to be totally free from him, to get my fair share and move on with my life. So why am I quibbling over one word that my lawyer added – that my ‘general’ health has suffered as a result of his behaviour. I want to change to mental health as this is more true. Its the mental pain and anguish that needs to be highlighted. In the face of my ex’s lying and refusing to own up to what he did I have an obsession with being entirely truthful. Does it really matter?

I’m also fearful as to what this move will unleash. He sent a very ‘reasonable’ sounding email. Anyone else reading it would think it spunded rational and calm. All I could read between the lines was the threats. Given his venemous initial reply I am scared this is going to get very messy & costly.

Thankfully, my solicitor saw right through it and ‘gets it’!

My house is going to get very clean as I’m compulsively cleaning to avoid looking at it/thinking about it…

I feel like I’m standing ontop of the rollercoaster again with my hand on the brake handle… ready to loose it and plummet into..
Only I have no idea into what. The ride is hidden.

Iwillbeok x

[KIP.]

I know how you feel. It’s the unknown consequences that kept us trapped for years. Change as many words as you want to but he will never accept his dysfunctional behaviour. It’s also the lack of making a decision that increases anxiety. I would sign it in front of a friend or family member and hand it to them to post. It’s only one hurdle but it’s a big one. Well done for getting this far. It will become easier as your confidence returns x I remember obsession about tiny details. I think it’s an anxiety thing. If we focus on a tiny detail then the bigger picture doesn’t seem so daunting. Recent contact will also be toxic to your thinking

[iwillbeok]

Thanks KIP,
Wise words from you as always x
I signed it! And once I had done that I found I no longer wanted it in the house! So I’ve alao posted it!!!

I was thinking what if I don’t sign, what then? Stay married? Agree to his proposal of waiting for ‘no blame’ period? F**k that.

I now feel a bit strong and angry and also a bit sad, sick and freaked out, along with feeling numb. Its like the panic is there but I can’t feel it fully. I can feel a headache coming on…

Think I’ll have a cup of tea…

Iwillbeok x

[KIP.]

Well done you. The more you make decisions like this, the easier it will become. I needed to retrain my brain to take over from my fear. Fear had always been my default mode. Not anymore. The rational part of your brain shuts down when the panic part takes over. We go back to fight flight or freeze caveman days. So the brain needs all the energy for survival mode. Leaving not much for rational thinking. This gets less and less with each step we take against these abusers. Although it’s really difficult trying to understand when we’re traumatised. Google the amygdala part of the brain in abuse. Huge pat on the back to you. Yes you’re right about the alternative. I was too traumatised by my ex during the ‘negotiations’ stage as he would just write triggering nonsense. In the end he petitioned me after two years on the no blame rule. I was distraught at the time but now I’m so glad he did it as I was just too traumatised to deal with him using the civil system to continue his abuse. Getting away from these abusers is number one priority. Any way we can. Remember you’re playing the long game x

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Iwillbeok,
Just wanted to say Congratulations!!!
Excellent news, I haven’t quite got as far as the nisi yet, he’s still fighting me with all the dirty, underhanded tricks he can think of to stall. It’s so good, encouraging to hear about your success. It gives me hope that day will come for me too.
I know what you mean about the fear and worrying about what he’s going to come up with next. Like you I’m cleaning, painting, decorating etc. I’m wearing myself to a frazzle, but it’s better than sitting going crazy!😊
Just make sure you make time to rest, eat healthily and go out and see friends and family. You have to remember to take good care of yourself. You will need your strength and stamina to keep fighting.
Well done! Sending you hugs

[White Rose]

Well done for signing and posting. It would have been burning a hole on your table otherwise!
The chances are your email contact will escalate and get nastier now as he’s losing his grip on you so keep strong. Don’t reply and if you have to make it factual and polite.
Decree nisi is first step. There’s a few more to go and don’t trust him to allow it all to go smoothly for you. We’ll be here when you need us xxxx

[iwillbeok]

Thank you all for yout replies, I feel so blessed that I found this place! And that it is a truly supportive, caring place!

I woke with a rock in my stomach but with your lovely support I feel a bit stronger again.

Looking forward to the day when I’m strong without having to be aware of it, having to consciously remind myself, if u know what I mean?

Iwillbeok x

[Freedomfighter]

I know exactly what you mean. I have to keep convincing myself that I can do this, I can do whatever it takes to break free, survive, even heal and thrive after. Most of the time I manage to succeed to some extent, but others I’m full of doubt and fear, days when he’s in my head reducing me to the helpless, hopeless wreck I’ve been for years.
Sending you hugs, strength and courage to believe in yourself. Keep up the good work. We can do this 😊

[enofadov]

So proud of you x*x

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