Why can`t I make the last step. Feeling stuck and drained.

[Three Little Birds]

Hi Everyone
It is my first time here and I`m sorry I wrote an “essay” below, but I needed to vent and tell my story, even if it is not as bad as some of yours. Any encouraging comment, advice would be welcome. Thank you for your support in advance.
I know I’m in an emotionally abusive marriage, but every time I’m deciding to leave, by the time I could have arranged something to move out, I calm down (he plays the victim and starts the love bombing and promise everything), I start to doubt my decision and I back down. I feel stuck.
I’ve been to therapy a few times, where I was reassured that the things my husband was doing with me is not normal or acceptable. It would be great to have further therapy sessions, but the cost of therapy is really high and if I ever want to get out, I need to save up money. Its a catch 22. And to be honest, I dont know how therapy could help me any further, as last time with the therapist we established that I decided that I needed to go so we were focusing on what’s holding me back. At that point it was that I felt sorry for my husband. So she explained to me (with my own words that I said to her previously) that your husband is not happy, he wants his “old” wife back, but you can’t be that wife again, as all the hurt he has done during the years has changed you. So in long term would it be not better for your husband as well if you guys went apart? And I agree. So the next step is that I actually do it. She said you made the decision, you understand that it would be better for your husband as well, so its on you now. She feels that she cant really help more. She is happy to have more sessions, but she can pretty much just repeat the things we already said. But if I want to talk/vent by all means, she is more than happy to carry on with the sessions. Of course, I don’t have money to throw away, just so I can vent.
I joined to a “Women’s Emotional Abuse” (detail removed by moderator) online. But most of the times these women seem to be in a much worse situation than me making my problem look tiny and so making me question myself, do I just blow it up. I’m not on benefits, my husband doesn’t force me to have sex, I don’t feel threatened that he will beat me up (Although there were some physical abuses on a few occasions like forcing the door on me, pushing the hoover on my foot to hurt me etc, but he never hit me or kicked me … yet(?). But he makes me feel miserable. He is always pulling me down, I’m walking on eggshells in my own home all the time, he doesn’t show empathy and he can manipulate in a very smart way. He even admitted on one of the couple therapy sessions we went a few years back (only went (detail removed by moderator) times) (detail removed by moderator) I still feel that some of the things he is doing are not intentional, except the manipulation. Like his “OTC” ( I call it that) everything has to be spotless all the time, with weird rules on things like how we put down the (detail removed by moderator) etc. But doesn’t matter if it is intentional or not, he makes me feel so miserable that I used to wake up in the mornings thinking maybe it would be good to get some terminal illness. That is when I realised I needed therapy, that is when I could first give name to his behaviour “emotional abuse”, that is when we established with the therapist that I want to go. I think this started to make me feel a bit better. Instead of feeling constantly sad and crying, now I’m feeling frustrated and angry. I was hoping I can gain enough strength from my anger to finally go. But I haven’t been able to do it yet. As I mentioned above, I always back down once I calm down a bit. A behaviour of mine which we analysed with the therapist. I grew up with an alcoholic dad (detail removed by moderator) At that point my coping mechanism was just to go to bed and try to sleep and carry on the next day like nothing happened. I couldnt do anything to get out of it, I was a child. However, Im a grown up women now, and I could walk away from this. But I’m using the same coping mechanism I learnt when I was a child. Carry on like nothing has happened.
Other than feeling sorry for him (which I shouldn’t really) I’m worried about the financials. And I’m worried about how our (detail removed by moderator) would take it. I know being in a toxic relationship is even worse for child in long term.
I have a good, reasonably paid job and I have some money (no idea how much though) in the house we bought on mortgage. So I won’t be able to get any benefit or a council house. He is not a physical abuser, he is not controlling my financials so I wouldn’t be able to use an emergency shelter the councils normally offer (as I read on the internet).
I could pay a one bedroom flat and still have some spending money (detail removed by moderator) I don’t understand how a spacious one bedroom is worse for a child than a cramped two bedroom in a bad area with rotting walls. Because if I have to rent a two bedroom, from one salary I wouldn’t be able to afford a decent one. I know my husband would eventually had to pay child maintenance, or maybe he should help me with the rent. But he will be stuck in our house and would have to pay the mortgage until it is sold so he wouldn`t really have much money to help out. That if he would even want to. I have a feeling he will be so angry with me that he will trip me up wherever he will have the chance.
It’s great I’m writing all of this down to you, as it made me realise and summarize the things that holding me back.
– Feeling sorry for him
– Worried about financials
(detail removed by moderator)
– Scared of my husbands depressed/angry behaviour as a reaction to us leaving.
But do I just use these as an excuse? Yes, it will be hard, but this is what I need to do! If other women could do it in a much worse situation, why can’t I? I’m so annoyed with myself for not doing it. For ignoring all the red flags, because looking back there were tones. And here I am still unable to leave. So angry with myself. And so tired of thinking about this.
Thank you if you read it.
Take care Everyone.

[Lisa]

Hi Three Little Birds,

Welcome to the forum. I’m glad that you’ve found this safe place to let out what you’ve been going through and how you’re feeling. You don’t need to apologise for that.

I understand the instinct to compare your experience to others and compare degrees of seriousness, but all domestic abuse is damaging and the impact that your husband’s behaviour is having on you is important, you deserve to have support. Support to leave should be available, you could contact our Live Chat service (available every day) and speak to a Woman’s Aid worker about your situation and options. You could also reach out to your local domestic abuse service who should be able to give you some ongoing support with what you’re going through and help you make a plan to leave.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Grey Rock]

Hi TLB and welcome. I’m glad you found this forum. It has been somewhere that has helped me through the journey of leaving my abuser. All the things you feel / fear held me back too. And those things I feared turned out to be valid fears as he did everything I feared he’d do and worse. Yet I got through them one way or another and (detail removed by Moderator) I finally made that break and am living a new life, free of him.
One of the things that really helped me was a book called Out of the FOG as it helped me to understand that it’s not just fear that abusers use to control us, but also Obligation and Guilt (hence FOG – Fear Obligation and Guilt). I’d definitely recommend this book as a helpful tool to help cut those invisible chains x*x

[Stuckinturmoil]

I am in such a very similar situation. The only real difference is he doesn’t apologise or promise to improve. I too have been to counselling the counsellor, although she isn’t meant to say told me to leave him so then sought a second opinion from another counsellor who again was person centred, but she too let slip that I should get out. But here, I am still here in a very similar position to you I work and could afford to move out albeit a much smaller house.
Why can’t I make the final step what is holding me back? Just don’t get it. I look at it from every angle like you probably do too constantly overthinking under thinking minimising read that I’m sensationalising. But the bottom line is which I do know I do not want to spend the rest of my life in this dilemma so I’m gonna have to put my big girl pants on and just do it as by not making a decision, I am effectively making a decision to stay in an unhappy marriage.

[Broken123]

Hi!
I could have written this myself the only difference is my husband is disabled and I have a huge guilt of leaving him as he thinks it will be because of his relatively new disability and that’s just not the case! It’s actually I’ve woken up and seen him for what he has been for years and it’s only got worse since his accident!
I’m miserable, feel completely emotionally numb like I don’t feel anger, happiness, love, hate I just don’t feel a thing.
I’ve told him I want to leave and he somehow manages to make me stay. I just can’t see me living my life like this forever! I don’t know what needs to happen to make us find the strength to leave but if you ever want to chat feel free to message me on here! X

[–Titanium–]

This is exactly the situation I am in at the moment, it is so hard. I have set myself a date for leaving now, it is in (detail removed by Moderator) and now that it is getting closer I am feeling so guilty as though I want to give in, but I know I can’t. I’m not quite sure how I’m going to manage to get through it but I have my family and best friend helping me so somehow I’m going to have to just pluck up the courage. I’ve tried leaving multiple times before but he just threatens suicide and says that he can’t be without me. I know it will be so hard but I’m trying to focus on how good the future can be. Good luck to you, I hope you find the courage, and if you ever want to chat, feel free to message me on here

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