Why cant i move on

[Phoenixgirl]

Hey,really struggling with all these emotions. I was attacked at knife point in a one off assault by the man i married for over (detail removed by moderator) years. Only after this did everyone start coming up to me and tell me how they saw him controlling me, putting me down, putting the children down. I still find myself defending him saying he was just joking, thats just his personality he didnt mean it. Even after his attack he went out of his way to try and hurt a male friend that im close to and now hes reported me to social services! That was closed immediately by them when they read into the background history of his abuse.
The problem is and no one seems to “get” is that hes still my husband, i still worry that hes ok, i still dont want to hurt him despite what hes done and part of me still wants to take him back. I know hes different now but he looks and sounds like the same man i fell in love with. I just cant seem to let him go, i cant hate him.
I dont sleep, i spend my days crying and i snap at the kids all the time.
Any advice would be really appreciated. I cant live like this anymore

[KIP.]

Google trauma bonding. Understanding why you feel this way will help,you to come to terms with the fact that he does not love you. He will destroy you if you let him and will take great pleasure in doing so. No amount of loving him will save you or your children. It’s all mind blowing Psychological brain washing. Breaking free is like breaking a drug habit. The first while is dreadful but if you can keep no contact then the FOG of abuse will clear. The Fear Obligation and Guilt. Be careful that social services don’t become involved again if you allow contact with this man. We minimise their behaviour as a way to cope with the real truth that these men are dangerous to us. A one off attack with a knife is one time too many. You’re lucky to be alive and still there for,your children. I’ve seen the red mist that comes over these men and they simply don’t care about the consequences. I think you need to contact your local women’s aid and seek out good counselling. Abusers make us so dependent on them that when they leave our life we crave their attention. As human beings we crave what is normal to us. Even if it’s dangerous dysfunction abuse. Listen to your friends and family as you’re not thinking straight because of the trauma. I hope you involved the police and that he is not allowed to come near you. Younread in the media all the time about women who have gone back to abusers only to be killed. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. And Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. You can get through this. Time and zero contact. You can move on from him but it’s the trauma he’s left you with that takes time. Time to break that trauma bond x you need to look after yourself because he has shown he cannot x

[Lisa]

Hi Pheonixgirl,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing how you feel. I just want to say that you’re not alone in feeling like this. It’s normal when you’ve been through domestic abuse to have a range of, often conflicting, emotions. You can be aware that what he has done is extreme violence and a crime, however still crave his company and care for him because he’s the man you have spent your life with; as KIP says you are craving what and who is familiar.

Try to be kind to yourself and give yourself time, let the feelings rise. You could try writing things down. Your recovery from this is personal to you and will be an ongoing journey. Try to remember the basics such as good diet, exercise and sleep.

You may find it helpful to contact your local domestic abuse service and see what programmes and courses they offer. Learning about domestic abuse can help you to see it for what it really is. You may want to consider counselling, ideally with a specialist domestic abuse counsellor who understands the effects of trauma.

Keep posting, we hope it helps you to be here.

Kind Regards,

Lisa

[Author]

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