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So I unblocked my ex on facebook
I can’t belive what i saw..
Hes tagged one of his exes when they went on holiday … he abused her tooI am freinds with her also
She hates his guts
Why do you think he’s done that
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Just out of curiosity..
He aint winning -
You unblocked him because you were in a trauma bond and trauma bonds can last for quite a long time after an abusive relationship has ended. Not only that but trauma bonds are addictive in nature – they are like strong elastic bands that pull you back towards your abuser in the form of addictive urges to know what he’s up to. Something else I’ve learned is that you can be emotionally reactive for a very long time afterwards and will still wonder what he’s doing in his life.
Also, even though you can understand about the dynamics of the abuse, aI think you can still suffer from a bit of self-doubt about whether you are the only one he abused and whether he’s abusing another partner. I think KIP is right, he’s doing it to upset you and get a reaction. I would block him again and next time you feel the urge to unblock him, try and do something else – preferably something pleasurable that makes you feel good to divert your attention from him. The effects of the trauma bond will ease with time, but in the meantime try and be kind to yourself. You didn’t deserve this treatment and you are worth more xx
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He’s probably done it to get your attention. Don’t give it to him. Block him and next time you feel the urge to unblock him, turn off your phone.
You cannot help the unwanted memories, but they never stop playing games.
Hugs,
TTMO x
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Because you did not free your mind from him yet.
That takes a long time.
And as Copperflame said, the trauma bonding is like an addiction …. you have your setbacks, when you use the toxin again just to regret it afterwards.
Block him again and promise yourself never to unblock him again. Promise it to us too and talk to us when you become weak. -
The addictive feelings are awful. After I left my ex I started seeing someone. He was abusive, the red flags were all there and I could see them all waving at me. I challenged him about his behaviour but emotionally I was hooked in. He would say or do something abusive and I would challenge him and then block him. Then I would feel the urge to connect with him and I’d unblock him. His texts were designed to seriously wind me up and I would feel enraged, so I’d block him. Then I’d unblock him. Then I’d block him…then unblock him…
Thankfully that relationship was quite brief and after a huge row I told him it was over, but he harassed me by text for months afterwards. Even after I blocked his number, he must have had several sim cards because he kept contacting me on other numbers. There was a cycle; we would have a row (by text because I wasn’t seeing him by then) and I’d block him. He’d be quiet for about a week, then he’d text me on a different number acting all nice. Initially I would respond, but then he’d start winding me up and I’d get enraged and tell him very impolitely where to go. Then I’d block him, he’d be quiet for a week and then text me on yet another number acting all nice.
I don’t think I was addicted to him as such, but I was definitely addicted to the enraged feelings he aroused in me. I knew it had to stop because having those addictive feelings was unhealthy for me. He went silent for several weeks and I thought I’d heard the last of him…but one day he messaged me out of the blue and started his games again. I told him a white lie and said I was with someone else. His reaction was to block me and I heard no more afterwards.
On a slightly different note, most abusers are likeable people which is often what attracted us to them in the first place. I think many abused women would like to stay friends with the likeable side of him, but sadly the likeable side comes with an abusive side attached and you can’t have one without the other. I think the urge to ‘unblock’ can sometimes stem from a deep yearning to connect with the ‘nice’ side that you initially fell in love with, even though your rational mind is telling you don’t go there. It’s a messy old business 🙁
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Thank you for posting this!
I have been doing the exact same thing as you and none of my fiends can understand why. “Just block him, its that easy” oh if only it was….
Then I read Copperflames response and it made sense to me and not feel like the failure I do when I speak to my friends.
Copperflame thank you so so much because you made so much sense to me, you do want to contact with the nice side but that nice side is never there for that long. It’s also annoying when you see them with friends and he’s as sweet as pie.
I start getting upset when I think of him a new girlfriend; how lovely he will be to them and treat them with things. I need a skill that makes me think then of him and how he was with me. But he says that’s not him it’s just because I’m a s**g and the way I am with him that he is the way he is. I have thought though, that I know full well none of his exs would have a nice word to say about him but you speak to my exs and they would all give me a good rating on girlfriend advisor (lol)
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My ex has blocked me on fb in the last week, which I find quite hilarious as he’s not supposed to contact me in any way, shape or form. Obviously trying to resist the urge. I mean, as if I’d initiate contact after the years of abuse I suffered off him!
I do wonder what he’s up to though and I do feel sorry for/are a bit envious of how well he might be treating another girl (as he swiftly moves on to find my replacement). But then I re-read abusive texts, look at evidence – print outs, I have of him sexting other women and meeting them when we were together. That gives me a swift kick up the derriere
I still listen out during the day and night for that tap on my window though when he has no money or tries to worm his way back in. Good luck with that mate as I now have CCTV. xx
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