Why Didn't I Matter?

[keepmovingfoward]

I’ve been reflecting alot recently as i’ve started my councilling, and im not having flashbacks as such but im recalling dialect i recall having with myself before we married etc. and although my abuser and I were only married a short time and our seperation was caused by a past event splitting us apart.
the initial 6 weeks or so when i could still see him was painful like i’d lost a limb, then i cut contact when a veil had been lifted on the abuse and i could move one. I realise now i could have been trauma bonded to him.

but back to the internal discussions. i’d felt i’d met my man in a million, he was a difficult guy to get on with because he had set ways of doing things had disabilities and aspergers, but highly intelligent, i felt lucky. he’d had a tough life, i wanted to make him happy, and he made me feel whole.
over the time we were together we gained pets, he wouldn’t move in til we married. As a single mum of two i felt id found my diamond guy, the one i could trust. the childrens dad is still about hes supportive we co-parent, i felt we had it all sorted.

but then there were doubts and red flags i ignored, things like but he deserves to be happy, but he’d keep me awake til late, expect me to drop all my plans a do whatever he needed immediately, i was exhausted, his expectations of me grew, his demands and interference in my business grew, he stopped listening to my opinions, my voice no longer mattered, i was talked at, conversations were becoming i speak you listen, when i walked away i was deemed a coward for doing it by text but he wasn’t hearing my words!
my heart ached so much, i was broken, my world shattered by a betrayal so harsh from his past I can’t even begin to explain in words how numb it made me feel. I couldn’t imagine the person I married and the person who carried out this offence being the same person. speaking to my mum since she said i probably grieved the loss of the person i thought i married before i was able to finally walk away and close the door on him. but it almost cost me my children.

through all this i will never understand though why i became such an insignificant feature in my life, i look back now and i feel like a recovering addict. my health has improved massively since i made the decision to walk away but at the time I could not see it!!

[Tiffany]

I had exactly the same experience. His demands grew and grew and I became less and less important, not only to him, but also to myself. I think a lot of the problem was that I thought that the relationship would work if we worked harder at it. And I was trying so hard it took me years to realise that the effort was one sided. I hadn’t considered that he might not be trying to make my life better too. I just assumed that he was bad at it, that he was a slow learner, there was a cultural differences to get over. I spun him so many excuses. And I didn’t recognise the red flags. I didn’t even know they were red flags. And I believed so strongly in working on relationships that I forgot to work on me. I too have have experienced a wonderful decrease in pain and illness since leaving and am beginning to recognise myself again.

[KIP.]

Abuse is insidious. It creeps up on us and we become co dependent. You’re spot on with the addiction. We become addicted to the abuser, always trying to get that fix that he gave us with his lies in the beginning. Always trying to find the man that was our soul mate, but that man never existed. It was just an act. If my abuser had shown his true self in the beginning I would never have fallen for him. I fell for a man that never existed. In reality I fell for a nasty self serving individual who was never capable of love. Things get much better with time. None of us on here saw it in time, most are still paying the price for their deception so you’re not alone x

[IrisAtwood]

I had a similar experience. My ex is world renowned in his academic field. He also has Aspergers and complex mental health problems. Over time he became more and more contemptuous and disrespectful of me. His emotional abuse became extreme and frequent. I was not allowed to have feelings or thoughts of my own. Everything was done to his timetable and in his way.
I see a therapist that I have known for many years and who I trust. She has helped me to see that it is not about me. I never could be good enough or love him enough or rescue him. Based on what I have told her – which is as truthful and complete as I can manage – she tells me that her belief is that he cannot love anyone. He cannot relate to anyone. This is supported by the fact that he is totally isolated – and I mean no friends, no family contact and months spent without any meaningful conversation with anyone. He speaks to people at his workplace when he has to and his responses are brief and blunt.
I didn’t matter because he cannot care about anyone. He does not have the capacity. I was trying to form a relationship with a kind of android – completely disconnected from feelings other than anger, envy and self pity. I wonder if the same was true for you?

[keepmovingfoward]

Very similar, I have aspergers myself, so meeting him was like finding someone who understood me on a different level. however socially i present as any typical person would my thought processes are neurodiverse which makes me kind of quirky and a bit odd at times.
he had lived alone a considerable amount of time so i accepted that there would be some time to adjust to living with two youngish children as well. what his past drummed up left me totally unprepared and shocked me to the core. I would have never stayed in any form of relationship with him if i’d known before hand what he’d been hiding from me.
since seperating contact with third parties suggests he has no understanding as to why his actions has lead me to leaving him, even though on the first cause it created a massive safeguarding issue for me and my children. and apparently this issue from his past is now all my fault. I’m so glad im away from it all now, im slowly building my confidence back up and finding myself again but it will be a very long time before i will ever trust a guy again especially whilst my children are young.

[IrisAtwood]

The damage to our self confidence is one of the worst effects I think. These abusers are so destructive and so good at what they do that we end up blaming ourselves.

You did nothing wrong.

I let my ex treat me the way he did for lots of reasons, but one of those is that I am kind, empathic and try to understand and see the best in people. That is a strength, not a weakness. The abuser I got involved in took advantage of my kindness and for other reasons I stayed with him long after another woman would have left. I’m not blaming myself for that. I recognise that I was exploited and that I can prevent it from happening again.

So what women like us can do is to learn to protect ourselves. Then we can make a choice about whether and who to have a relationship with.

[Outofthis]

I, too, think I disappeared.
I was with him for over (detail removed by moderator)
I left when my life was in danger, but for most of the marriage he destroyed who I was with only verbal violence.
By the end I functioned on autopilot and did not leave the armchair unless I had to.
I have no friends left – never had any family
and now have no house and no money or prospect of financial security.
The worst is that when things escalated out of control no one asked if I was ok – no one at all – despite me being homeless and destitute – no one even asked.
I have been out for (detail removed by moderator)
Have a job which just about covers the rent – that is all I have.
I don’t think I matter to anyone except my children – which is why I have to keep living

[Author]

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