Why didn’t I recognise it sooner?

[agonyaunt]

Hi

Don’t really know where to start. Don’t know how to go about things, feeling really lost with everything if I’m honest…..

Myself and my ex went through a horrendous time recently which I won’t go into in detail but we sadly lost our child. But when I needed him most he turned on me repeatedly which escalated into him being arrested and held on remand.

The day this happened the domestic abuse team had invited me in as after seeing evidence they believed I was the victim of domestic abuse but I didn’t think I was. I knew he wasn’t good to me but I clung onto the good. I prayed that he would get back to the man I fell in love with. I believed him every time he said he would change. I wasn’t being battered up and down the house. I wasn’t black and blue. I believed him. I believed his excuses and I didn’t want anyone to know what was really going on for the sake of my family and the sake of me saving face.

He’s written to me. He’s written to my friends, my family. He’s not taking the hint that now I am free and I have got away from him which is what I wanted deep down for a long time but was too scared and worried for what that would mean for me and my kids.

I’m worried now though. If he was unpredictable when he thought he was/had lost me how is he going to be now. What lengths will he go to? I’m left now dealing with everything out here while he’s held on remand and I’m on my own. Obviously I am dealing with the loss of our wee one, now the loss of this relationship although I know that I don’t want to be with him it’s hard coming to terms with him treating me badly anyway but when I needed him and his support most. Then the upcoming court case for him being remanded against me it’s just all so much to deal with. And I just feel like maybe my life wouldn’t be in this mess if I had left him before like I tried to do. If I was maybe honest with someone or myself about how bad he really was instead of clutching onto something that wasn’t there.

I just don’t know what to do where to go how to feel. I just feel numb already and now all this too. I’m a mess.

[fizzylem]

Hey, you’ve been through a lot haven’t you, it’s going to take you a bit of time to adjust to it all.

I totally get where you are coming from though with the pain of feeling let down. Think I really needed 3 times in life during the time we had together, and he showed up for none. It’s times like this when we need love and support, and to discover it’s simply not there adds to an already difficult sitation doesn’t it. It’s reality biting. These men simply can not be anyone else’s emotional support, it’s not within them, they can’t be empathic for a start, they can’t see the world from anyone’s perspective other than their own, they only see how this is for me, how this effects me, and when they don’t get their needs met that’s when they kick off. Leaves you gobsmacked doesn’t it when you see it; and sadly in need of support elsewhere.

I get the hiding thing too, I did this for years, pretending to everyone that ‘we are that close, loving family’, while all the time I was peddling like mad underneath the surface of the water.

The reality is painful, but needed, and part of the emotional processing we need to do in order to get out the other side. Reach out and pull in all the support you can just now, your friends, family and the helplines – when we feel supported it turns the unbearable into feeling managable x

[agonyaunt]

Thanks fizzylem

Yeah I think that was a huge thing for me, that I needed him and he was too caught up in himself. That our other kids still needed life to try and be as normal as possible given our circumstances and he was only interested in himself, interested in sorting his own needs by abusing drugs and alcohol. He was already in a slippery slope and I had been the one standing by him begging him to Be the man me and the kids needed and believing his lies and excuses time and time again. It makes me feel so stupid and like such a mug for trying to see the best in him and for always being there for someone who clearly wasn’t there for me, even though e feels that he’s done all this because he loves me? It’s so messed up!!

The bit you said about them only being able to see how it affects them really hit home!! In his letters to everyone, he apologises for his “moment of madness” it wasn’t that at all. And then goes on about the reasons why he done it, his past, his addictions. And then goes on about him and how good he’s doing how much he has changed how it’s been such a wake up call……makes me angry like good for you!!

I’ve only really just started reaching out now which is hard now because of the lockdown too but it’s just constant. Just always something in my head from either of those traumatic experiences. At least when I had him I felt loved. Even though I know it wasn’t love deep down and now I’m angry with him and myself for putting up with stuff for so long it’s hard because I don’t understand why me and the kids weren’t enough….. x

[fizzylem]

Believe it or not it was huge for me at the time too, I lost a parent and he left for months, straight away, as soon as I got the news, can see why now, he thought she’s going to be no good to me now this has happened, I’m off, he spent months partying with friends instead. I was a fool to take him back after then; another time I needed emergency medical treatment, and he said sorry you’re on your own, and there was no reason at all why he couldn’t come, he just didnt want it.

What an a*****e, and still I took him back. Thing is, by doing these things alone, I also learnt that I can go it alone, that I didnt actually need him, would have been good to have him there yes, or rtaher someone to love, care and support me, but he was none of these things, and he wasn’t there and I managed. I got through with a bit of support from those who really did care instead.

There is always the next to deal with as well these men, eventually my head got that full I’d forget what had happened only months previously, as I was always dealing with the next, so you really dont have time to stop and process things do you. When I finally did walk away I wrote a list of all the things he did that hurt me, took time to sit and think using a time line, I got bored after 52, 52 told me all I needed to know.

When he left the first thing I noticed was the calm in the house, it was like a tornado with all it’s energy had left the building, and there was alot to pick up and put right – only I couldn’t start this for a while. But those moments when I noticed the quiet were absolutely golden. Took me months to de stress, but my stress levels got lower and lower eventually; I also remember waking most mornings already weeping, feeling like something weighty was on my chest – which was the emotional pain from it all, felt like I will never recover.

Guess what I’m trying to say is, those times he let me down don’t hurt anymore, yes like hell at one time, but not now, and the emotional pain from all of it, that’s gone too, I’ve moved on a lot since then and you will as well eventually. I grieved as you are now, infact I spent a lot of time with my grief until eventually it passed. As hard as it feels, time spent greiving is never time wasted, it helps you to give yourself exactly what you need here, time with how you feel and making sense of it all.

We lived for a long time under many false illusions, these men are good at this, they literally have no conscience when it comes to lying, they find out what we want to hear and who we want them to be, then as if by magic this is him, only the mask slips the more time we spend with them, and we begin to see the real person before us don’t we, the selfish, cruel and callous behaviours.

So try not to beat yourself up too much, they are master manipulators, they play with peoples perceptions for a living. His letter shows us this so clearly doesn’t it. Look everyone I made one mistake but now I’m getting better – utter tosh.

Not surprised this angers you, he’s apolgising only for what he got caught at, selectively failing to mention the rest, trying to say see I’m not all bad to others, I made one mistake – you’re not going to hang me for this are you? I’m only human just like you. He’s only apologising for this because he knows this is what he needs to do to gain social support hey. Not because he genuinely means it – again – it’s driven by what I need to do to get support here isn’t it. Dreadful. There’s not an ounce of genuine remorse or personal responsibilty in his letter is there – its all stuff he thinks others want to hear – he’s playing the victim hoping people will take pity on him too isn’t he. They learn very quickly what they are ‘supposed to say’ with no actions to back this up – his words are just that, words only – they mean nothing.

It’s actually a great quality to try and see the good in people, something to feel proud of and a great way to be, only now you will also be mindful there are some people in life that are best avoided as well. I used to think all people are always only trying their best with whatever they have available to them at the time, I dont anymore. When I see or hear anyone being unkind now I run a mile. Took me a while but I only surround myself with those who are consistantly kind and respectful nowadays, and there is no compromises here. Anyone else is always kept at arms length – or further!

Youve got lots of losses to mourn here, take your time and give yourself whatever it is you need; you will grow from this, and even take strength from it one day x

They go through the roof when I have to deal with him though.

[fizzylem]

Sorry that last line was taken out – can see i didnt delete it now – doh!

[agonyaunt]

That’s so sad what he put you through. And so similar to my situation. He was the same left me for his few friends he does have left so he could go and take drugs and drink because I wasn’t grieving the way he was. He would do it when we were together too so I don’t know why I am surprised really. I get what you mean about the calm, I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Like I don’t need to think or worry about him. I don’t need to be responsible for him anymore or deal with the s**t he causes. I’m relieved of him and his issues. Even though he was still trying to get me to be there for him through his letters. Because he didn’t mean it and it was because of his past and he loved me. It is embarrassing that before now I would have been taken in by it all. How i put up with it all for so long. That in itself is really hard for me to process.

Just feel aswell that he might fool people with his excuses. How this was a one off incident because I didn’t report anything previously. Albeit the police have taken evidence from my phone that it was actually premeditated. Just feel like he’s going to try play on his past and his grief etc and make excuses when it’s been a catalogue of things really that escalated somehow to this x

Reading his letters make me feel like it’s all for the court process. Like he’s doing it all to “tick a box” to show he’s changed or whatever. Its mad to think how manipulative he still is.

[BraveStrongSmart]

I’ve recently got out of an abusive relationship with my ex and from friends I found out he was getting therapy for his alcohol abuse and his anger issues and drug abuse. But from messages and notes from him through friends he was still a manipulating a*****e. He still played out like it was a one off because he got a little angry. He still wanted pity and empathy from others to make out I was the guilty party.
It was all about him and honestly thinking about it now he may have gone to therapy to gain pity from others. To play on his issues and make further excuses to why he hit me, why he pushed me down the stairs and hit my head against the toilet and grab my hair and hit my face.

You will get stronger over time because I believe time is a healer and these men are complete imbeciles. They don’t deserve anything from us beautiful women anymore. So keep that head up girl and stay strong because we are braver and so much stronger than them. Hell we are ever so smarter too! Much love xx

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