Why do I deserve this

[Starmoon]

What do I keep doing wrong

[Ayanna]

You do nothing wrong.
According to what you write I can confidently say that your thinking is very straight forward and you know what you want.
It is him who messes you around.
Go zero contact with him.
If your family is under his influence go zero contact with them too.
Get help from Women’s Aid, social services, ….
You need to build your confidence back.
You know what is right and wrong and you just need peace to sort your life out.

[Lisa]

Dear Starmoon,

You are not doing anything wrong. None of your situation is your fault. Your abuser is to blame so please don’t feel any of his shame for him. I am so sorry that you are having such a difficult and upsetting situation. Please phone the helpline if ever you need to talk and also get plenty of support from your local Women’s Aid group.

We are all here for you. Please be kind to yourself and look after yourself.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Serenity]

You don’t deserve it, Starmoon. You’ve often blamed yourself in your posts, and I think many victims do or can do, because abusers are so twisted that they either lie and manipulate to make you think you are to blame, or they truly take no responsibility.

There are murderers out there who blame other people for their actions, or who try to twist others’ perceptions. The fact is, as adults everyone needs to take responsibility.

Your abuser is no different. But it seems he is too selfish, manipulative, cruel and weak-willed to do the above.

Like your abuser, my ex enjoyed deserting me repeatedly, largely at times of need when support was expected. He enjoyed the power and being cruel in those moments. Living with such cruelty takes such a toll on a victim. Your distress is perfectly normal.

I don’t know what decision you’ve made this week, but whatever you do, please et support and talk out your feelings and options beforehand, simply in order to make a clear-headed and informed decision.

You will get through this, Starmoon. I have always identified very much with your situation, as your abuser shares many personality traits with my cruel ex.

Please reach out for all the support you can. You don’t need to suffer alone.

Big hugs x

[Author]

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