Why do i do it?

[Eyeswideshut]

Hi im new and been with my partner nearly 10 years. Ive always felt miserable alot of the time but never understood why. We have two children and recently seeing and understand what he has done over the years to my self esteem i cannot do anything right in his eyes im always wrong and the stupud one hes always right everything i say , buy our kids, watch on tele or cook is rubbish he tells our son mums boring says he takes aftrr me being ugly and all his imperfections! All he does is calls my family subtly call me stupid, massively fat , brain dead, cannot think for myself and useless . He says we should all be grateful we woukd be nothing without him he hates it at home its torture says i need common sense in a bottle says hes gonna right me a list of things i do wrong! Also recently will not acknowledge our baby hates having the kids says baby is a mardu f***** and needs knocking out and his head smashing in but im the one thats too sensitive and cant take a joke! Says to our older son that hes got a double chin doesnt know alot and tells him to tell me my pants smell and my body is a train wreck why on earth do i put up with it? Its because its not all the time hes decent at times think thats why i stay.advice needed please

[KIP.]

Hi there. If you google ‘cycle of abuse’ you will see how abusers keep us hooked in. Also ‘trauma bonding’ in domestic abuse. Nobody deserves the treatment you are getting. It’s horrible, cruel, dysfunctional. Designed to erode your self confidence and self esteem. Keeping you dependent on him for crumbs of love and compliments. Ring the helpline for advice X

[Serenity]

Oh my goodness, what a horrifically abusive man! His words shock me!

He has no right to talk to you if your kids like that. It’s incredibly abusive.

Are you able to call Women’s Aid, or find out where your local DV services are, and ask for support?

Over time, abuse becomes our normal, and we have a hard time seeing how abusive it really is. But as an outsider looking in, I can tell you that he is very abusive and you deserve so much more x

[Peaceful Pig]

I agree with kip and Serenity , he’s very abusive and no wonder you feel as bad as you do. It’s good that you’ve begun to recognise his abuse. What I find really concerning though is the extremely violent way he speaks about your baby. I would seriously consider talking to your health visitor and contact women’s aid to work out a safe plan to leave. He will have such a detrimental impact on you all and you really do deserve much, much better x

[White Rose]

Hi
Your partner sounds really unpleasant piece of work!
You’ve recognised him as an abuser of you and also your children.
His mocking of your elder child won’t help his self esteem neither will hearing him mum bad mouthed.
I think the reaction to your baby and the threats, no matter how he denies them, are really worrying.
I agree with PP, talk to your health visitor before the end of the week and be honest with her about the things he’s said.
Look after yourself and your children xx

[Eyeswideshut]

Hi thanks for your comments even though deep down i know its abuse and have done for months now i still question myself most days i really wish i could judt leave i have spoken to health visitor and she says i can contact her anytime and she will help. The things he says are just vile my baby had his jabs a few weeks ago and he said i hope they jab him in the eye and hurt him but the more i put up with it the more he will say things i know that now. He even spent christmas day alone as didnt want to pay for a meal as we went out and said he wanted his dinner in peace on christmas day. There are many other awful things hes said but i think you get the picture of what hes like he is so nice infront of family etc and it makes me sick to my stomache recently making out hes a doting dad i know i need to get away just need a plan x

[Eyeswideshut]

He was abused as a child even though he wont admit it says he doesnt need help i just annoy and irritate him thats why he says nasty things he said thats why he cheated too! His mum and sister are the only people he will mock me infront of and of course they find it funny as they have both been brought up that way x

[EeyoreNoMore]

Hey hun, I just found a really good video today. If you can find a Ted Talk by Leslie Morgan Steiner I think she puts things into words better than I could ever do.

Please do call the helpline. They are at their most dangerous when they think we are leaving so please be careful and get your babies out asap xx

[Eyeswideshut]

Update – So things seemed ok for a couple of weeks and now feel like im going backwards again feel so hopeless last night he was jealous that i saw a male (detail removed by moderatort) and he offereed me a lift home ( as some car places do dont they?) He said you could do with the walk you fat f****r under his breath! Then a bit later said my son will be scarred for life if he saw me down there which is just uncalled for! I now need to find out where i stand with money etc as i know i need to get out cant stand it for much longer actually been having episodes where my heart pounds for a few mins cant sleep feeling sick and headaches and im never ill normally. Thanks for reading

[Serenity]

Hi Eyes Wide Shut,

The sooner you get away from him, the better.

I just read in your earlier post how he mocks you in front of his family. I’ve realised that my ex did this: even though we put up his family for months and I cooked for them and did nice things for them, they were very unkind to me. I think he was badmouthingvme to them so he could get them on his side to bullyvme and put me down.

You’re worth so much more. I know it’s hard to get out. But there is freedom the other side. He might be ok for a few weeks, but he will do it again: it’s the cycle of abuse, with apology, honeymoon period and tension-building, and repeated abuse.

Trust your gut. Getting out will involve a lot of self-questioning and he will try to gaslight you and say you’re exaggerating or that it’s your fault. You wouldn’t put up with that treatment from a friend or colleague, so why do we think it’s acceptable from a partner? There’s a difference between having the odd disagreement here and there and repetitive abuse and projection.

Keep posting. x

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