why do I even miss him ?!

[MilkTray]

It’s been quite a while since I left everything behind and started a new life. I bumped into him once but literally run away, he saw me but didn’t chase me, he keeps texting me. I don’t reply. He says he misses me, loves me, sends me links to various videos and texts online to remind me ‘us’. He was charming, he took me holidays etc. then he went on holidays after I left only to message me and say we could have been doing that together. He was 2 person at once, the charming, funny person I loved laugh with chats then he would leave me most nights alone, cheat, lie, physically and mentally drain me and abuse me. Always my fault, everything, I cried nights and nights alone. While he was partying, drinking etc. I was left with no friends, alone and If I complained- I was the wrong one. Then he now have his ‘single’ life he was always aimed at and now he miss me… now he wants me back and realised how he loved me….

Why do I EVEN MISS HIM MYSELF? How? After all these years of humiliations, tears, bruises, cheating, lying, but equally, he would be good for 5min then back to being bad again. I don’t understand why I miss him 🙁

He said no one will ever love me, I will always have issues with every guy in my life I start believing he is right, I’m supposed to be healing, I’m broken. I can’t concentrate… I can’t focus, work or think… I’m scared of losing everything, I’m scared of not being able to find anyone ever or trust anyone.

Does this ever pass? Is it even possible to be normal after this?

[Bettertimesahead]

To start healing you need to be no contact. Need to block him on everything, phone, social media, email. It’s hard but it’s so important. Until you do he’s still got control and still trying to manipulate you. Have you had support or counseling?

[Bananaboat]

Oh lovely I feel you. Not a day goes by that my little brain doesn’t ping pong back and forth about the good and the bad. It does get better, but it is hard. Couple of reasons for this include cognitive dissonance which is where our brain focuses on the good and excuses the bad – aided by the cycle of abuse, trauma bonding again where our mind & body bond with the abuser and another big one is the chemicals our body has become addicted to – the dopamine hit in the good times, the adrenaline, even the anxiety related ones. In the same way a drug addict, or say a smoker craves a hit and their mind convinces them of all the reasons to do it again, so is ours but for these men.

Throw in society literally stuffing coupledom down your throat every way you turn and the thought of having something can feel more appealing than being alone, but that’s also a factor in how we got ourselves in this predicament because we didn’t set strong enough boundaries from day one and accepted our abusers rather than pushing for ourselves.

The best advice is to cut all contact, but if you can’t then wean yourself off at least. Take longer and longer to reply, keep the answers short and factual. Remember he’s not changed, it’s all a game of power to him and you deserve better.x

[MilkTray]

He is blocked everywhere- he messages me on my business page- where I literally can’t see his name- but it’s coming from ‘user’ but I know it’s him. He calls from a withheld number. I don’t answer but he tricked me a few times with ‘something happened’ etc. but I know how awful I felt after speaking to him, so If I hear his voice- I instantly disconnect. I don’t reply to messages. but can’t help myself reading them. Yes, its like my brain forgot the bad- but I know and keep looking at the images of my bruises from the day I run away- to remind myself not to get back.

I left after the very first more serious incident. I overlooked many pushes, small bruises etc. thinking he was ‘just drunk’ but the last one was quite a traumatic one and I would never be able to fall asleep next to him.

I was very attracted to him, and genuinely thought he was the one- he would always say im his soulmate and best friend- he had issues with people close to him – which he would say they abandoned him- but I can now see why they left. He pushed everyone around him away. I was the only one who kept forgiving and stayed this long- yet he hurt me- yet its m brain missed him 🙁

I dont want to get back- and i wont- but I just want my brain o stop missing him.

[Shura]

I get you so much. years after separation i had to stay in contact with my ex. We share a child together. he never gave me the chance to heal as he never left completely. i realized that i will never be able to heal if hes in my life in any way, even for our Childs sake i couldn't do it anymore. i had to stop him from seeing her as i saw him manipulating her. hed say things like "your mom is not easy to talk to, you have to get out of her house as soon as you can", many other things. in a way i saw it as him still being able to hurt me through her. she would distance herself from me after seeing him, wouldn't talk or share anything that happened at school or how her day was. i struggled with the decision ive made so much but no contact made me feel better, have better thoughts, made me to take care of myself and my daughter so much better, i was smiling and wasnt worried about what hes going to do or say next. Its not easy to cut them out as we have this attachment that others cannot understand as they see the abusers for what they really are but it works honey, time and space is what you need to see past the short good moments you shared with him. once you have the time to reflect youll notice how your thoughts are changing and you start remembering the bad and how much the bad outweighs the good. i promise it does get better , keep strong, keep yourself occupied, cry or be angry if you feel like that. let it all out.
Wishing you all the best x

[Anonymous]

He’s trying to love bomb you again (he’s got caught up with his own pathetic charm attemps) thankfully you know better now, it seems he’s playing a game to test his own worth to see if he can get somewhere, you could report him for harassment, if he’s not left you alone after being told once then it’s harassment, if people abandoned him he either caused it by his behaviour or he said it to guilt you to so you would tolerate more for longer, he’s not changed I can tell this by the fact he’s said no-one will love you (any man who says this to someone is still using negative retaining attempts) and as for him saying your gonna have issues with men of course you will who wouldn’t after the trauma and trust breaking “he’s” caused but saying you’ll “always” have them is just a manipulation attempt to stop you moving on, he’s still using tactics, if you want to stop seeing him in a good light though it might hurt remember every way he hurt you or focus on different things that boost your self esteem, but as others have said while he’s worming and trying to hoover you back in its going to make it difficult for you, hes trying to influence you again only for his benefits 🧡🤗🧡

[Eyesopening]

Hey, hun, you have had spot on advice already.
Just to add, I know exactly how you feel. I have been out for quite a long time.. Not very long. But I would of expected to be alot more healed then I am. It really does take alot of work and time. But it is the most valuable work you will ever do. Have you had therapy? I still get the cycles, for a while I am ok, then I will get very very low and miss him so much its painfull. I will forget all the bad. Then I will come around again and be ok. It takes time to undo all that brainwashing they did to us.
Stay strong xx

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