Why do I feel bad?

[I am better than this]

Due to my ex not listening to advice I passed to him that social services had given me, I had to tell him that I couldn’t allow him contact with our son right now.
He has continued to share access with his new woman, despite Ss saying it wasn’t acceptable and advising me to seek court proceedings to prevent him from doing this again.
Our son, who isn’t even four yet, came home from an access recently asking if I was going to die. Though I’ve been having cancer treatment that my son is aware of, we’ve not discussed death….ever! I asked him where he’d heard such a thing. He said his father told him. His father disputes this but clearly our son has heard/been told something. Or he wouldn’t have asked me. The consequences of that have been massive. Our son now fears me being out of his sight. I’ve had to chop back nursery sessions purely because he gets so distressed at me walking away from him. He consistently asks me if I’m still sick….or do I need hospital today.

On a recent return from an hrs access, I asked our son casually as I always do, where he’d gone for dinner. His father had given him two choices before they left, so it was a general interest conversation. He told me he’d been to his fathers relatives. Initially I thought nothing of it. But as he continued to talk to me, I realised that fir the first time ever….he was lying to me. He actually looked exactly like his father when he lies. I asked him again if he’d been where he said he’d been and he admitted no, then told me his father had taken him to the other woman’s house! Again!!
I have never ever made my son feel bad for going to this woman’s house, nor for liking this other woman. Why would I….he’s just a little boy and nothing’s his fault. As such he’s always more than happy to tell me when he’s been there and what he’s done there! But this was different. I’m shocked to be honest and it’s scared me. Maybe sounds petty…..but it feels horrible to hear any lie from such a young one, least of all this particular lie.
I text his father to ask if he’d told our boy to lie. Of course he said no. And to be fair, I can’t know that he did tell him to lie. But this is a child who didn’t know how to lie before. Never had a reason to. But he has heard his father lie….on more than one occasion. Heard him lie to me about our son, and he’s innocently pulled his dad on some lies at the time.

So….as a result I’ve said I can’t allow this any more. I’m terrified where the lies will lead. Children need to know to always be truthful, else how are we parents supposed to safeguard them? His father is now sending texts profusely apologising for taking our son there….promising he won’t do it again. (Heard all this talk before!). And these texts followed slightly less charming smart arse ones that I didn’t stand for and reminded him that it’s not just me that has said all this is wrong….cps has too. So perhaps he’d like to take it up with them! I’ve suggested HE seek advice and take it further if needs be.

So why do I feel bad? I don’t want to destroy contact between father and son. Never have, why would I? But I can’t have such things starting up with our child. It’s gross and he needs protecting.

Sorry for long post but am really funding this hard. Chemo and radiotherapy is taking its toll, tho I’m holding in really well, and I feel so very vulnerable. X

[KIP.]

Hi there, you feel guilt because that’s what how you’ve been programmed to feel by your ex. Remember in his world, everything is your fault. I can understand how you feel but you are doing everything right. If you are worried about losing contact between your son and his father, (although I would be deleriouslynhappy if he disappeared) have you thought about supervised contact. I think there are centres that accommodate this where he will be supervised and won’t be allowed to say inappropriate things. That way, there is a level of contact, not in this other woman’s home. I’m wondering if your son lied because he sensds you will be upset. I don’t know but I think perhaps he was trying to protect you. I would cut my ex out all together and tell him to go through the courts for access. You sound really strong and your health has to be the priority at the moment ❤️

[Serenity]

Hi, I Am Better Than This,

Firstly, don’t let this affect you by making you feel bad about yourself in any way. That is what your abuser wants. If he’d have obeyed the arrangement and behaved correctly, there would bebe no trouble – but abusers like to always move the goal posts, to create chaos and trouble, even if they protest innocence.

You have done well to put your foot down and set limits. It sounds like your ex thinks he’s being clever by surreptitiously disrespecting you. You know his game. You needed to stop this thing in its tracks. By standing up to your ex and also setting limits with your son, you are teaching your son to respect you.

Unfortunately, you have to be very tough with these abusers. They will always try to o deposed us and create trouble.

I can understand how hurt you must be about your son. It might help to think that even though it’s very important that he learns that lying to you in unacceptable, your child is being manipulated by your ex in many ways. You’ve got to show your son that you are the stronger, moral presence.

Whatever you do, don’t let your ex start questioning yourself or being critical
Lourself. Your ex is the abuser here, not you.

I know you’ve written here before about your ex mentioning death to your son, and I cannot find the post which tells me what came of this. But it needs mentioning to the authorities. Your ex- like all our abusers- thinks he is above the law, and gets a feeling of power by ignoring the rules, but the rules which were put in place were put there to protect your son, and he needs to obey them. Your ex has chosen to ignore these arrangements and to continue to unsettle your son and try to lead him astray: don’t get taken in by his poor me act. If you give in now, he will do it again.

All these things need to be brought out in the open and discussed with some authorities. Your ex. Reds to know that every time he oversteps the line, you will- without fail- take action. This is the only thing that keeps them at bay.

I know you feel bad coming beteeen your son and his dad, but I and many other women on here, for example, prey for our exes to leave our kids alone, because the relationship isn’t healthy, it’s toxic. It can lead our children down the wrong path, or into severe depression. If a man has abused a mother, its more than likely that they will abuse their children in various ways. We need to be like lionesses, protecting our cubs!

At the same time, you are unwell, and need to take care of yourself. Setting these limits will allow you some peace and to take some power back, and hopefully you can find time to test and recuperate, which is very important.

Y

[I am better than this]

Thank you kip and serenity.

It takes such a long time to get out of the mind set these men put us in doesn’t it? He has been messaging me and done in such a way it’s quite obvious he’s planning on using the texts as proof of something. He has fabricated things and completely changed things around so it sounds like I’m the one who’s done the things he’s done.
Fortunately, I’m not stupid and I’ve always been one step ahead. I’ve made sure there are witnesses to back up my side, always tried to never be alone when he picks up or drops our son off. He hasn’t always known that though, because my adult kids have stayed out of sight on the stairs eg.
He is now claiming deep depression when I’ve stopped him access to our child. I have never stopped access. Bar a couple of times when our son has been ill and I have records of that. In those instances, I simply changed the access day to another for him!!
I never interfere in his life, have no interest in it. Bigger things of my own to deal with right now and I’m happier without my ex in my life.
I don’t think my son does feel guilty KIP as I’ve never said anything to make him feel bad about going to this other woman’s house. In fact before he left on the night in question, he was more than happily talking about it. It was in the space of the hour he was gone, he came home and just randomly lied about where he’d been. So I’m certain he isn’t uncomfortable talking in front of me. It felt very much like something had been said to him that made him not want to tell me. Poor little thing, he must be so very confused.
My oldest daughter suggested I meet the other woman and maybe I wouldn’t feel so bad about my son going there. I won’t and I think she’s missed the point. The other woman is now me! She will have fallen for all my ex’s c**p and she will not be thinking of anything other than keeping HIM happy. Which means my son will be going to a manipulative household and witnessing the very things I didn’t want him to grow up with. The reason I asked his father to leave last year.
I want a complete break from my ex but sadly, we share a child so that’s his control now. And I believe he now manipulates through our son. Heard of this sort of thing before but never dreamt I’d be in same situation.
Very depressing and upsetting. And all of this has definitely impacted on my ability to cope with treatment. Something my McMillan nurses are concerned with.
Thank you for taking the time to reply because no one else quite understands the traumas involved with such situations. X

[I am better than this]

Also….in recent months, I’ve had contact with someone who closely knows his ex before he met me. She is a family member of this woman and she told me that my ex physically harmed this woman. And then self harmed himself with a knife in front of the woman’s parents when they arrived to pick her up. I’ve always been told a completely different story about the scar he has and how the relationship ended. Surprising that isn’t it lol.
What worries me is his penchant for getting rough with his partners. It took a couple yrs before he did anything to me. Started with behavioural intimidation. Then moved to pushing and shoving. Which got rougher each time. Then he started hitting until one night he went too far and caused me serious facial injuries that I had to lie about and say I fell down concrete steps.
After that time, I found the courage to stand up to him a bit. When he was physically threatening, I told him to go ahead….but that I would call the police if he did it again. So….he learnt to punch holes through walls and doors instead.
Sorry, I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned any of this in any of my previous posts.

The point to saying all this is ……he may well not be harming his new woman yet. I suspect not, and I worry he will. Another reason I don’t want to relinquish our son over to the pair of them.

I don’t know if he’s a serial abuser but I think he may be. I always believed I was partly to blame for what he did….maybe if I hadn’t wound him up etc. But knowing about his previous relationship has made me more aware that he’s possibly an abuser of the worst type. Yet what he presents to the world is an extremely likeable person. I doubt anyone who knows him would ever believe him capable of any of what he’s done to me.
I don’t want my son to ever be in a position to witness anything at all. He has never seen violence at home with me, nor threat of violence. X

[KIP.]

My ex did exactly the same in writing to me rubbish. Even when he was caught cheating (his gf changed her Facebook profile to their picture, that’s how I found out!), he went round the house screaming at me that we were separated! It’s like if they scream it loud enougn or write it down then people will believe them. I told him I didn’t love him anymore and we would never reconcile. He wrote that he said this! It’s gas lighting on paper. You sound like you have the measure of him. Ignore absolutely everything he has ever said. Set your own goals and stick to them. Cut him right out ❤️

[I am better than this]

Thanks KIP.
He accused his mum of abusing him as a child and recently said he’d lied about that. It was something that came up in mediation because I was refusing him over night contact at his mothers. (In fact I’m refusing him over night contact full stop…I don’t trust him enough!). Mediator asked me why and I told her it wasn’t my place to explain. Eventually my ex told her about the story re his mum and said he’d lied about it. I told her that I suspect he has lied and in that basis, is he someone I should be handing our child over to full stop!?!

He’s now saying that I told the mediator and that I did so to be spiteful. But I was specific in NOT being the one to tell her. I knew if the words left my mouth, he’d instantly accuse ME of lying. That’s why I left the words to come out of his mouth. He is now saying it can’t be used anyway. That all things in mediation stays in mediation. Normally I know this is true, but I’m not sure if it applies the same when it concerns child safety issues.
Social services now know of this lie re his mum but only because I’d told a counsellor and they reported it to social services. Ss were brilliant by the way when they contacted me.

He’s making all kinds of threats to me and tho I’m good at being composed and dealing with him. Inside I feel nervous and sick. Even tho I know I’ve done no wrong….he does still get to me. I hate it.
Just on a waiting list for some serious counselling now and can’t wait.

Just want a peaceful life and it’s never been about cutting ties between father and son. I’m just not comfortable with how he is behaving and the effect it is having on our son. It is me that has to deal with the consequences of what he puts our child through. And it’s tough going. Really tough.

Thanks for reading my rants and moans. So hard for most people to understand the dynamics involved. X

[EeyoreNoMore]

Gas lighting on paper, I hadn’t thought of that. My ex’s whole statement to the court is utter rubbish. It’s mostly based on a fact which he’s then taken and twisted so it is barely recognisable bit now fits his agenda.

I think not giving too much contact is right and it’s where I am too until CAFCASS decide my child’s life for me.

Most of us don’t want to take our children from our ex’s lives, we just need to know that they are safe, that it was worth all the pain we endured to take them out of the abusive situation. We do want what’s best for the children xx

[In search of calm seas]

My partners ex, mother of his child, accused me too of all sorts of harm, proven to be untrue, as she is the abuser. Emotional harm is not gender linked.

[Author]

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