Why do I feel funny he’s dating again!!

[Happybelle]

I don’t want him back. I’m moving far away and I’m excited about it. Yet I can’t shake feeling a bit weird about him dating again. I want him to be happy and well despite the hideous stuff he put me through.
I expect it’s because I had loved him so much and wanted it to work out but it was never going to.  Strange to feel that way about someone when they’ve been awful to you.

anyone else had this?

[Texas]

Hiya

I cannot say I have, but others on the forum may relate.  The only thought I have is sadness for the next person who will inevitably go through this hell.

Sorry, I am not sure that helps, but I am so pleased you are doing well overall  😀

[Happybelle]

I need to get to this point 😂 it is true I should feel a lot sorrier for the next person. I’m assuming he will have learnt his lesson but I doubt it!!

[Bananaboat]

Yup. You’re probably seeing glimpses of that version of him you fell for, remembering the good times and grieving what you hoped could’ve been. It is hard watching them with a new partner but it’s also triggering because I know what the new woman is going to go through and that’s a whole bag of emotions too. You say you want him to be happy but it’s funny isn’t it, because he never will be he’ll just bounce onto the next victim time & time again. Meanwhile it sounds like you’re thriving and have exciting times ahead! x

[Anonymous]

Yup. He has to have a new slave sure. All the jobs /validation you have gave him he now needs to replace you as he has pt have someone to be his slave and knock someone elses confidence down because he hates himself and has to take it out on someone else close to him. It’s just a replacement for validation and slavery  not a new lover.

[Anonymous]

Also yes as the other women said above, the new person is yet to see his bad side. Of course that will be masked for the first year or so to lure them in so they become emotionally dependent and then he’ll trap her in either through getting her to move location so she’s isolated from her support system and hence he can easy manipulate her and/or by future faking, E.g. “when we get married” and all lovey dubey stuff despite being passive aggressive abusive a few days ago

[Randomname101]

I was feeling the same earlier and felt confused by it! I think partially for me it is because he is still living in our shared property and so I’m having to pay for the mortgage while he lives there (and no doubt takes the women back to!) which peeves me. But I think as well, it maybe reminds me of when I first met him and thought he was a different person, as I still have that little bit of hope that he will change, or that he is different for his new woman because I was the problem (even though I know this wasn’t the case). But deep down, I know a leopard never changes it’s spots and that if she stays with him, she will go through all the same trauma. So I think a part of me also feels protective towards the woman and wish that I could save her from going through what I did/am. But yeah, I completely get that it feels weird

[Happybelle]

Thanks ladies. It’s some comfort to know I’m not alone with this 🙂

[Pinkvelvet]

I feel like I’ve been seen! I haven’t logged onto this forum for nearly 2 years, and I’ve had to come on tonight to speak about this very issue. This forum is a godsend honestly. Helped me through so much when I first left (number removed by Moderator) years ago now.

Found out (timeframe removed by Moderator) my ex is engaged and it’s brought up all sorts of feelings I thought were healed. Crying myself to sleep and bursting into tears at random points of the day. I haven’t thought about him for so long, and now I’m like… woah. Where has this come from.

Trauma bonds are so real. It’s almost unbelievable what the power of abuse can truly do and how long it can affect someone for.

I echo what the others above have said, it’s the thought of ‘what if’ and self-doubt. I’ve even been questioning my own reality and having to re-read messages of the abuse endured just to remind myself it did happen.

And similarly, I feel fear for the new woman. Helpless in protecting her out of fear for myself. And equally devastated that I went through hell, but could he now have changed? Is it a possibility?

I know he went to therapy, but honestly I doubt it. I don’t think he even recognised what he was doing, and blamed it on depression. I do think he suffered with a personality disorder, but I know that does not justify what I endured. And I know I was right to leave.

What I’ve taken away from it is this: I can’t change the past, but I can control my future. It hurts now, but I know it won’t hurt forever because I’ve been there and come out the other side once already. I will put my hurt into helping others in some way… some good has to come out of it. And lastly, I won’t dwell on what could have been, but now accepting I can have something true and real and loving with myself and with someone who can give the healthy love I deserve.

Love yourselves ladies. Think about the situation as if it was your friend, or relative going through this situation with their partner. What advice would you give them? What kindness would you show them? Do this for you ❤️

[Happybelle]

Really interesting perspective, thank you! Also interesting to see that these feelings come up out of the blue and a number of years later as well.
Even now I struggle to comprehend the strength of a trauma bond.

[weather]

I went through the same a few years ago and am so pleased that I can share my thoughts here. I know that the abuser will NEVER change or become a better person. It is a fact that they will also abuse the next person and the person after the initial catch. There’s absolutely nothing that I can do to change the past, and I have to consider myself lucky to be alive. I have to focus on myself and think about my future; the past does come back to haunt me and I have to remind myself that I am away from all of that abuse.

Wishing you all a safer and healthier journey out of abuse,

Weather

[Author]

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