Why do I feel guilty?

[Sevenup]

Hi, I’m new. In a bit of shock at the moment. I have been living with domestic abuse for around (detail removed by moderator) years, it’s only been the past year that I’ve started opening up and talking. I had couple of work colleagues who would see me turn up to work in a state and gradually encouraged me to get support. My partner has mental health issues so I was working with the MH team and I had support from women’s aid. I had an exit plan and I could see light at the end of the tunnel. There was a incident in (month removed by moderator) when he physically hurt me again and although I didn’t call police at the time I did speak to the other agencies. Then I was advised to contact police to report it (which I was reluctant to do) but was informed police would not do anything that would put me at risk. I stupidly took this advice and arranged to meet an officer on (detail removed by moderator). Things had been calm at home since after Xmas and (detail removed by moderator) I told my partner I was off out for a bit to gym. When I started talking to the officer and he mentioned arresting my partner I made it clear that was not the reason I had come and explained about my exit plan (which was going to start the next day as I had appointments lined up to look at somewhere else to live) I explained my partner had no idea I had told anyone about any of this and if he was tipped off now my whole plan would be jepordised and he would be infuriated and the risks to me would escalate sky-high. I explained this to the sargaent too, he pretended he had to chat to public protection and after leaving me waiting alone in tiny room for what seemed like forever he returned to inform me they had been and arrested him. Well I just absolutely sick. My whole life changed. I never wanted this I just wanted to get out and that’s what I was planning. I’m in bits right now, the last few days I’ve been on constant edge trying to find out what’s happening. I knew once he knew I’d reported him he would want to kill me so I feel I had to give a statement as no way back. But I feel so guilty, it must have come as such a shock to him as like I say he had no idea, he had been in the middle of cooking the dinner and when I finally got home the chicken was still on, how he had left it. Its ridiculous but it was like walking back in to house where time had stood still, his stuff all there as left it. I feel like I need to talk to him and explain this wasn’t my fault, I didn’t want for him to get arrested. I think I would different if he had been arrested directly after an incident but this was like a bolt out of blue. I’ve now found out he has been charged and remanded. I can’t explain to my family how i feel. Has anyone here experienced this feeling? After all the years of abuse I’m the one that now feels like a total two faced b***h and I’m angry about that, I’m angry at the police for taking that action and the way they have increased my risk. I’m just a mess…

[Iwantmeback]

Hi I don’t know where to begin. I’m freaking out for you imagining this is how it would be if I went to the police, why I’ve never gone. It’s illogical i know, the police would NEVER do anything that would harm a member of the public, what they have done is protect you from your partner. I know the police have done this fir your protection, they have, but the part of your brain which is feeling the guilt is the part he still controls. It’s your chance to get away from him now before it would have escalated again. Because he hasn’t done anything at this moment you’re feeling guilty about his arrest, but he was guilty of doing that thing in December, so guilty that the police have arrested him for that, so serious was the incident that he’s on remand.
Do you have anyone around you to help you in this moment, anyone who can tidy his personal things out of your way, I don’t fir a minute mean throw them away, just put them out of sight. This is your chance to escape, its just been brought forward, noone can understand the terror you’re feeling at your moment of escape being brought forward taken out of your hands. Keep posting my friend, you’ll be going through so many emotions right now, have you been in touch with your doctor. The best of luck and take care my friend. Please please dont feel guilty for this, your oh has brought this to a head, the circumstances of his arrest dont matter, it would have happened at some point, and I’m so grateful I’m not hearing of yet another fatality on the news. Keep in touch with WA, they’ll help you through this terrible time.

IWMB 💕💕

[KIP.]

My ex was arrested and I was devastated. I never ever thought that would happen. Looking back it was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. They took everything out of my hands. I wasn’t fit mentally to protect myself. Abuse always escalated and especially when we try to leave the relationship. Abusers keep us in a FOG. Fear, Obligation and Guilt. It’s brain washing. I know it won’t feel,like it just now, and I recognise that desperate need to contact him to make sure he is not going to come after you, to try to regain that sense of control you thought you had. In reality, you never had control and he was always going to come out on top. Mental health is no excuse for domestic abuse and it must have been bad if he’s been remanded. Take all the help offered at this time. Eat, drink and try to sleep. You will look back and see this as the help you needed. He’s someone else’s problem now. He’s not and never was your responsibility. Keep posting. What you’re feeling is normal when you’ve been abused. Cooperate with the justice system. Maybe being held accountable is what is needed for him to realise he cannot get away with his behaviour. You feel guilt because you’ve been brainwashed to feel guilty. Google trauma bonding x

[Flowerchild]

Dear Seven-Up,

There’s only one reason the police would do this against your specific request: it has to be that they perceived you as being in mortal danger if you walked back into the house with him still in it.

All of us have been conditioned, sometimes over years, to normalise the abuse and minimise the danger we are in, but 2.5 women were killed by a male partner or ex-partner in this country every WEEK last year. Your police force were not going to have your name and his in the papers and on TV and be d****d for not listening to you and not protecting you! And well done to them, I say.

How many of those dead women had reassured themselves that their killer would never actually go that far? How many had been reluctant to call the police? How many calls were not taken seriously enough?

You have done nothing wrong, darling. You will come to see that your guilty feelings are misplaced. You were never the cause of his problems; you are not qualified to help solve them and you are under no obligation to try to fix him or support him.

And look – he’s on remand so he can’t stop you carrying out your plans just as you intended.

You’re alive, you’re safe and you’re free to go. This is the best result you could have hoped for. If his family and friends do try to blame you, you should probably ignore and cut them out, but you might want to tell them – and yourself – this: “I did my best, always; I was in danger and needed help; I asked the police not to arrest him; they decided the risk to me was too great and took matters out of my hands.”

Then you can get on with your life, darling, and I wish you strength, happiness and joy.

Flower x

[Anabela]

I know how you feel. I felt like that. Mine was arrested straight after assault but then I gave my statement behind his back later on because I realised he was not changing. And I felt ENORMOUS guilt.
But right now, when I am one year out of this abusive relationship I am so grateful to police for taking me seriously, for believing in me, for seeing him as a criminal and despite me dropping my statement twice believing in my case and not dropping the case. without charges against him it would have taken me much longer to leave.

You are not guilty. It is not your fault he has been arrested. If he hasn’t been physically abusive towards you, if he has treated you right and been a partner he should have been, there would be no need for police. He is a grown up man and needs to take responsibilities for his actions. He needs to know that raising a hand to a woman is a crime. They don’t see it as a crime.

I understand you had all your plan on leaving him set up. And there is a chance you would have sticked to it, left him and never went back. But he might have done his best to get you back. We are very vulnerable when we try to leave. When police step in there is this additional support that keeps you from going back. That’s how it was for me at least.

I really understand that you look at the house and you feel sorry for him. He was arrested unexpectedly. But look at it this way. Poor him hurt you physically and thought he got away with it with no consequences. Is that fair? If there is no consequences, then it means he has the right to do it again. And again. If not to you, to his future partner. I also still get those feelings pittying him for having a record with police etc. But whenever I do, I try to remember all the horrible things he has done to me and I am sure he was not feeling sorry for me at a time he was doing it.

Police would not have arrested him if they did not think his actions was serious and dangerous enough.

I hope you have some close people for support. Hugs to you xx

[diymum@1]

This is a blessing in disguise to be honest. I think we all have that element of guilt its like weve suddenly pulled that trap door on them. You had no choice though in doing this, he actually pushed thing to this point not you. I remember my ex running away from the police, they caught up with him and I felt an unimaginable about of feelings, mainly fear, guilt its devastating. Its one thing after another then its like getting a shovel slammed in your face. Things will ease in time, you can plan to make your own way safely. Let the professionals take the strain now. Its time to put yourself first and also to take great care of your own health and well being. Maybe some counselling and support from family/friends? This is by far one of the hardest hurdles but youll get through this stronger. Its the best thing to happen although it may not feel like that right now. Take care luv diy x*x

[Frankfurter]

Oh wow, as scary as it was, it’s probably a good thing he’s out of the way. Now you can just go about implementing your exit plan without the fear of being caught. Try not to let the guilty feelings eat away at you, that’s him talking, you have done nothing wrong.

[Author]

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