Why do I feel like the baddie?

[Bonzai]

Jußt need to vent…
We have decided to separate buy why do I feel like the baddie? He is doing my head in again. It takes me ages to pluck up the courage to talk to him as I don’t know how he is going to react. Then when I have worked myself into a tizz he is Mr O so reasonable! Why do I get myself in such a tizz?

[Lisa]

Hi Bonzai,

You reaction to his behaviour is natural. Causing confusion is part of the abuse, designed to get you into the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and lead you to question yourself. Turning it onto you to make you feel responsible is what abusers do. But this is not your fault.

You’ve made a huge step by separating, it is normal for abusers to react to this by upping the abuse or changing the way they do it. It’s a potential dangerous time and the time for you to reach out for as much support as you feel comfortable with. Work towards reducing and ideally stopping contact, which is the best way to help you to start to heal. If you’re struggling and want to contact him , which is normal, come on here, or speak to a friend, chat to our Live Chat or even write down your thoughts.

Look after yourself,

Lisa

[Bonzai]

Hi Lisa
Thank you for your reply. That has certainly made me feel better about myself.
Counting down the days to when I can leave this toxic house. My only fear is that he now seems to have turned my adult daughter against me she has stopp3d talking to me(she lives in the same house as us) he is being the ‘perfect’ dad chatting and laughing with her,lending her his car, offering to pay for things for her, when before the separation he hardly spoke to her! Would it be worth me writing her a letter and expressing my fears to her do you think?

[Lisa]

Dear Bonzai,

This is really hard to cope with and sadly does happen. You may find that she starts to see through his material offerings if he isn’t consistent over time. It’s your decision regarding a letter, but if you feel it would be more manageable to get it down in writing then follow your instinct. You’ll have to be careful he doesn’t get hold of it though. What we do know is that children of all ages, but particularly older ones/adults appreciate honesty. If you haven’t had an honest conversation with her about her father’s abusive behaviour then now may be the time to do so. You could plan out what you would say first in a letter, and then perhaps talk to her about it on a walk, just a thought. You’ll work out what’s best.

Kind Regards,

Lisa

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