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When I was in touch with the friend, she repeatedly told me to go home and move on because that’s what he wants to do. It made me so mad each time she said it although I didn’t explain that to her beyond saying that I’m glad he can move on so easily from it. She says I’m just being vindictive if I now try to pursue formal action through a complaint to the uni or going back to the police. They say that just because I didn’t get what I wanted I’m clearly being vindictive and just trying to hurt him like he hurt me. She really doesn’t get it at all. The reason why I was in touch was to genuinely smooth things over and because I wasn’t ready to accept he was an abuser. His silence just tells me that he is though. Who can possibly read that pained and heartfelt letter and not respond? Who could possibly, knowing how desperate I was so desperate to move barriers that I drafted a letter so confident we could work it out and (detail removed by moderator), reject and hurt again? Who, now knowing that I miscarried a baby I desperately wanted whilst being abandoned and ghosted, could just turn a blind eye and tell me to move on just like that? I do feel sometimes that pursuing this whilst being told that he is holing himself up in his room, crying and broken is awful of me. I’m broken too – more so I expect as he only cares for himself and his reputation whilst I genuinely loved him and still do now. I would do anything for him and he could take it all away and fix it just like that if he so chose. If he’s so scared why doesn’t he just meet me even if it is just to pacify me enough that I won’t take anything further? None of it makes sense to me which is why I then start to doubt myself and worry what it is that he has on me. He’s going to say I’m harassing him and relentlessly pursuing him out of spite and that I’m crazy. Thing is I had a miscarriage and he just abandoned. I expect he feels justified as I lied about having the abortion. He probably sees it as the most damning evidence of all and maybe he’s right. I wish he hadn’t been so nasty to me about the baby. He promised me we could have a relationship if I aborted as he wanted. He promised me he’d be there for me if I had a miscarriage. I wish he didn’t keep moving the goalposts or (detail removed by moderator). I tried to but I wanted that baby. I couldn’t just kill it. When I miscarried I was so heart-broken. I should have just told the truth. I hate myself for all this. I just want his comfort.
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You feel like the vindictive one and are made to feel like that because these abusers are smart they only show us the abuse not anyone else. I do recommend cutting ties with him and all this for your own health. You should try moving on not by getting into a new relationship but taking time to heal and doing the things that you love. Spending time with friends and loved ones. You have been through one of the worst things (miscarriage) a woman can go through and as hard as it is to accept he obviously doesn’t care. But there are people in your life that DO care so focus on those and be kind to yourself. It absolutely wasn’t your fault.
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Do not believe a word either him or his flying monkey have told you. Ever. Take a step back and look at what the actual events say about him. What you felt and experienced. He is the one with the complete lack of empathy and compassion. He abused you while you were together and his lies and abuse will simply continue now you’re apart. Loving him won’t change the fact he has no heart. Loving him won’t stop him continuing to abuse you and hurt you. If you feel vindictive it’s because these people are trying to make you believe it. It’s in their best interest to convince you that you’re the vindictive one. In reality it sounds like he is the vindictive one. You want accountability and closure which is only natural and fair x
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Oh flower, what you’ve been through is awful, it also sounds like it’s been really confusing at times, no doubt because everyone has an opinion and you have such mixed and a range of feelings. You probably feel vindictive sometimes because it wouldnt be natural to feel ok about things, it’s very natural to feel you want revenge, justice, to level the scales. When you spoke to this person she left you feeling that you ‘should’ move on, which implies that she also thinks that what you are trying to do is wrong – this is how she sees it, this is what you experienced.
It was similar for me when I tried to report to the police, I was left to feel I was being vindictive because the officer simply couldn’t see the abuse – saw it as a dispute.
Are you working to a deadline for this complaint? Do you have so many years to put it in? Only I know from personal experience that it is often better to wait until you get to a time when it all makes sense. You sound emotional and confused, this is not the best time to make a complaint, you need to be clear about what happened, how they failed, how it impacted you, and what you would like to happen – then you are ready to complain.
Maybe for now it’s about writing your first complaint – a first draft and doumenting a time line for now? x
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