Why do I feel like this? Please help….

[enofadov]

So I left my sexual and emotionally abusive husband on (Detail removed by moderator). He refused to leave the family home so me and two children living with my parents. As his actions have never been admitted I’m feeling a lot of doubt and guilt ever since. This afternoon he picked up the children from school and I’ve just been to get them and I feel so horrifically guilty I don’t know how to stand it. He’s cleaned the whole house and done all the clothes washing and the image of him putting the kids bikes away is devastating….how do I cope with this??

[KIP.]

You write down every piece of abuse you suffered at his hands. You remind yourself that he is allowing you and your children to have to live away from your home because of his selfish nature. That all this cleaning the house and washing he didn’t bother with while you were together. He made no effort and will revert to his old self if you ever return. That this is one huge act designed to get you to come back. That it’s a mask he wears. Remind yourself why you had to leave in the first place. That you don’t want your children believing that abusive behaviour is normal. And allow yourself to grieve. Grieve for your hopes and for the man you thought he was. That man never existed. I felt sorry for my ex in the beginning but as it became clear I was not backing down, his abuse escalated. They have no boundaries. You need to stay strong and play the long game. If he refuses to move out then perhaps you should look to rent somewhere for you and your children x don’t let him play his mind games.

[enofadov]

Starting to think I made it all up though or exaggerated it.
Now he wants the kids on (Detail removed by moderator) just cannot cope with this

[KIP.]

Stay strong. Cognitive dissonance. This is how women are murdered because we minimise the behaviour. Imagine him doing the things he did to you to your mother, daughter, sister etc. Dangerous men. Don’t be alone with him. I can tell you if you go back he will punish you. And you won’t even see it coming x you just need to read the other posts on here to see these men don’t change.

[MsTaken]

Try not to let him get to you. He’s trying to make you feel this way on purpose. My ex is the same. I left him for many reasons and sometimes now he seems completely different, I don’t even recognise him half the time. He’s got a new girlfriend and he treats her like she’s a god and it’s unbearable to me. He spends about a month telling everyone how much better off he is with her and he becomes an amazing father to our children. His careers going great, he has a nice house with lots of cars and he just looks like a great person. But then all of a sudden he starts attacking me verbally, calling me to my kids and family. He puts in malicious calls to children’s services. He just becomes awful attacking me from every angle that he can until he gets some sort of victory over me. By the time I’m ruined again he just stops and starts acting like an amazing person again and I’m left with my head spinning thinking did all that just really happen. I’ve been going round in these circles with him since we split up years ago but I’m stuck with him because we have children together. I think I’ve come to realise that he’s always going to throw how amazing he is in my face but, just like your ex, he’s never admitted to any of his actions and I just have to keep telling myself that. A truly nice, considerate partner would apologise for making you feel bad, even if they didn’t intend to or didn’t realize they had done. Someone who loves you would go out of their way to make you happy. Yes couples argue but if you felt like you were being abused then that is more than normal arguing. Trust yourself, trust what you left him for and trust that you will get 100 times more love from your beautiful children. You don’t need him. You will get your own clean house with bikes and things for your children one day and he won’t be living in it. It’s hard and it takes time but instead of thinking for the now try and think where you want to be in five years and try and work towards that. My aim is for my kids to grow up and say “I remember when we were homeless and we didn’t have much but we’ve watched you work hard mum and we’re proud of you”. They might never say that but that is what I want them to think xx

[MsTaken]

Sorry if I’ve put that in the wrong place I’m still trying to get used to the site

[enofadov]

Thanks KIP and mstaken
I just feel so ridiculous now I’m not there….like it was so silly and I feel I can’t speak up about this as it sounds so not bad at all??
Last night I told my parents a few more bits but it sounded trivial and I just can’t believe I’ve left over this?
I’m struggling with guilt and confusion and doubt, the kids seem happy and haven’t even asked about him but I know I need to speak to my little girl as she’s old enough to understand something is going on and I just don’t know what to say and I don’t want to do it if I’m going back to him?
We are still out of the house, 3 of us with my parents while he sits on his own in our 4 bedroom house

[KIP.]

He sits in your house because he’s convinced that’s the best way for you to come back. To wear you down. He’s acting all normal and pathetic because he is convinced that’s how you will come back. It’s Gaslighting. My ex used to behave in outrageous ways then carry on as if nothing had happened. Sending my mind into total confusion. Reality testing. he probably thinks he’s talked you out of this before and it’s just a matter of time before he gets you to change your mind again. A decent man would move out and let you and the kids stay settled. He’s going nowhere. He’s not going to make it easy for,you all.

[enofadov]

Is there any chance he’s just sad though KIP or am I just being silly?

Going to see a solicitor tomorrow with view of trying to get him out of the house but I know I’m going to struggle with the guilt. How can I cope with taking everything away from him? Me, kids, house????
I know I sound pathetic

Had an email from him tonight about access to the kids, don’t know how much I have to let him have right now, looking forward to seeing the solicitor about that too.

[enofadov]

Last night he left a voicemail on my mums phone wanting to talk to her and Dad. They don’t want to be involved. Dad feels sorry for him….says he’s had a tough week and just misses his kids.
Tried to tell him he doesn’t really do anything with the kids normally so won’t be much different.
Feel really low this morning. This feels so hard. I went into the house to collect a few of kids things for the sun and feels so sad there.
Really tempted to go back???
And forgot it was my hair appointment today which I can’t go to because of the solicitors appointment so had to rearrange and will need mums help again to look after the kids. I just feel guilty all the time with everything

[KIP.]

Can you afford to rent somewhere for you and the kids? Your own place. It’s normal to feel guilt. But the guilt isn’t yours, it’s his. But he won’t carry it if you carry it for him. Give it a while longer and his mask will slip even further. It’s already slipping by involving your parents. This is typical abuser behaviour. Trying to recruit people onto his side. No doubt he will fill their head with lies too. Keep an eye on finances too. My ex grabbed all the money hoping he could use this as control. It’s a difficult time and many women return, only to leave again and again. Remember the reasons you left. Nothing has changed x

[Tiffany]

I found writing a list of reasons why I left really helpful. I had it on my phone, and every time I remembered something that had happened I added to it. Every time I thought about going back I got it out and read it again.

[Good samaritan]

My ex wanted to stay in my house for a financial arrangement after (detail removed by moderator) of him lying to me, having affairs, been disrespectful, greedy, gambling. The day it ended he sat bolt up right in bed and just said you’re going to have to clear the spare room out so I can move in there. He said it was because he couldn’t cope with my snoring but I knew instantly it was because he had never cared about me and our relationship was just a means to an end for him. When I refused to let him stay he turned vile the worst I’d ever seen him and became more and more aggressive and manipulative because I had cut off his financial supply. He never paid council tax or anything when we were together he dominated everything by showing me his aggression and installing the fear very early on. Even now he has moved on to another woman he still blames me when she falls out with him because of the lie either her or him made up saying that I had rung her and she found out from me her relationship had started whilst me and him were still been intimate. Now he blames me and has twisted it to the police that I was the abuser. When I told him he couldn’t stay here as a lodger all of a sudden he was Mr perfect. Luckily I didn’t have children but the mental scars will stay with me forever. Stay strong you can do this.

[enofadov]

Thanks ladies, your advice is helping so much.
I still feel the sadness and the guilt, but a visit to my councillor yesterday has calmed me a little. I’m going to write some sort of a diary to keep calm the mess in my head. Generally I’m doing well, going to work, keeping happy for the kids and people who don’t know, sleeping well and eating, but when I open up to the panic I feel overwhelmed.
He turned up at my mums house (detail removed by moderator) banging at the door wanting to see the kids and arrange more time with them. Said he wants the (detail removed by moderator), despite the fact he works full time!
We’ve arranged for him to hve them (dates removed by moderator) don’t know how I will cope.
Councillor says he needs to see them but then she also says if I prosecute him for the rape he may not be allowed to but I don’t want to ruin his life in case I am overreacting.
Councillor has taken all my notes tobher supervisor who is ex police and he believes he should be prosecuted….. anyway he’s still being so reasonable and has said he will move out (detail removed by moderator). Keeps saying I’m welcome back with kids while he’s there but I just think it will be confusing.
I’m havibg a day in the sunshine at the seaside and although lonely we are so happy

[Lisa]

Hello enofadov,

I just wanted to show you some support. The abuse that you have been experiencing is serious, dangerous and damaging to both you and your children and he is still not respecting your space or the boundaries that you have tried put in place. You say that the children are happy at the moment and this is a very difficult time for them with lots of changes so you might want to consider saying to him that you want them to have some stability for a period of time before you let them have contact with him. In this time you will feel clearer and stronger. Your local Women’s Aid group will help to guide you through this stage and please have a look at Rights of Women’s website http://www.row.org.uk for some information. If he wants contact with the children it is down to him to get a contact order in place and you could phone the police, social services and the school to let them know that you do not feel happy with him having contact with the children at the moment until you get legal advice and find out more about any potential criminal proceedings. It is unlikely that he is even interested in having meaningful contact with the children and that all this is meant to do is upset you and make you think it might be easier if you return to him.

Stay strong and please speak to the helpline for further support and advice.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[enofadov]

Please explain to me what the contact order is???? That is scaring me so someone could force the kids to be with him?? But my solicitor said I should get custody???
Thanks for your advice

[Lisa]

Hello enofadov,

A contact order can also be known as a child arrangements order and this is put in place if two parents can not agree amicably to child contact. At the moment you do not have and order in place and you can refuse contact if you feel there is a very good reason for doing so and you may have to justify that decision in court so for example if there is a fear for safety or violence. If you refuse contact then your ex paretner will have to obtain a child arrangements order and it should give you an opportunity to say if you have concerns, if you would like him to undertake a parenting course, you can say if contact with him is damaging for your children and perhaps the school could help to support that, you could also argue your case that it is not sensible for the children to have contact with him when he is working.

As I said in my initial email please speak to your local Women’s Aid group, have a look at Rights of Women and start to find out what your rights are. Please ensure that any legal advice you get is aware of his abuse and understands the situation in the context of him being abusive. Any evidence of his threatening and intimidating behaviour is important to keep as this may be important to you.

Look after yourself and keep posting to let us know how you are.

Kind regards,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[enofadov]

Thank you so much Lisa!

It’s so hard obviously as he has not acknowledged anything has been wrong and everyone else who knows seem to be keen to sweep it under the carpet….hard to know if it was even worth complaining about and definitely not real enough to make him not be allowed to see the kids???

[Tiffany]

He will never acknowledge that he has done wrong. It doesn’t make it less real. It was bad enough that your brother removed you from your home to your parents for your own safety. You are not thinking clearly yet – the fog of abuse takes a long time to clear. But it will come if you can cut the contact with your abuser. Please try and call the helpline, or go in and see your local women’s aid workers. They will be able to help you keep yourself and your kids safe. And don’t move back in to your home until your abuser has left and you have changed the locks.

[Author]

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