Why do i feel responsible for him?

[AnxiousAnnie]

Hi

Don’t really know where to start. I started a relationship with my now ex a number of years ago, I already had a child and we had one together. Things were great at first but while I was pregnant with my second things took a turn for the worst. He got angry and would shout and scream at me even telling me to “get a coat hanger” to get rid of our child. This mortified me and I kicked him out. He smoked weeweed so he made all the promise of quitting and sorting his anger out. Anyway fast forward a couple of years, we got back together but his anger has not stopped in fact it’s got worse. Hecalls me a past it hag, no one will want me, I am mentally unstable, cold towards our children etc, etc. After these outbursts which can last hours he is fully of remorse. We have split up properly now (my decision) but he wont let go and tries to make me feel guilty and he is very good at this. He begs me while crying to get back with him and it takes everything I have to say no. Will I ever be free from him? I wish I could just say sod off to him but can’t because of children. Sorry for rant but feeling really low and stressed.

[Falling Skys]

Hi AA

Hugs xx

Its no rant you have every right to feel frustrated by the situation your in. Sadly they don’t like to stop abusing us. The best way forward is no contact, hope you have someone to do the change over when his child?

Sadly I can’t be a lot of help but wanted to show my support.

FSxx

[AnxiousAnnie]

Thank you FS

I do have someone to do a changeover of I wanted it just feels like I’d be the bad one for making that break as he keeps saying he would rather have me as a friend if nothing else. But whenever we do spend time togeher with the kids it will be ok for a while then he will start over something. I just want what’s best for my kids and they adore their dad. Just so complicated xx

[AnxiousAnnie]

Thank you Healthyarchive.

I will get that on my kindle tomorrow xx

[Lisa]

Hi AnxiousAnnie,

Welcome to the forum. I am so pleased to see that you have had some supportive replies. I just wanted to say that your situation sounds very stressful and unhappy. You have done so well by trying to remove yourself from the relationship and you have nothing to feel guilty for. He sounds very abusive and any contact you have with him will be another way of him trying to manipulate you and trap you back in the relationship.

You are a good mother who is setting a positive example to your children by breaking free from him. He wants to bring you down and make you feel that without him you are nothing, but he is the only thing that is holding you and your children back from a happy and healthy future. Please try to phone the helpline and put some formal contact in place, via a third party and with the help of a solicitor. The helpline will also put you in touch with your local Women’s Aid who can offer you some counselling and support to help you build up your confidence. Please try to physically and mentally block put some distance between you, once you have you will see clearer.

We are all here for you.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Confused123]

Sometimes we have to walk away to give them message, u not resposnible for him, they just make us feel guilty unencesarily

[AnxiousAnnie]

Thank you Lisa that has made me feel so much better I will contact womens aid been thinking about it for a while but I guess like a lot of people I was in denial about it being abuse. Everyone here is so kind and supportive.

[AnxiousAnnie]

Yes confused123 you’re right he has made me feel guilty for not having any friends saying that I am his only friend and he needs someone. Well that’s not my fault and if he treats his friends like he does me then no wonder he hasn’t got any.

[Author]

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