Why Do I Feel Sorry For Him?

[lost and lonely]

I left my mentally, verbally and physically abusive boyfriend (detail removed by Moderator) after yet another explosive row which as usual, led to Him hitting, kicking and pulling at me. After (detail removed by Moderator) of no contact, he’s slowly creeping again. How do I stay strong? I find myself feeling sorry for him and I know I can’t. I know this has to end before he ends me but why can’t I just shake the guilt of walking away?

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Lost & Lonely, I would advise you to stay away from your boyfriend and prepare yourself to make a complete break. The longer this type of relationship goes on the more psychological damage is caused to you. This damage cannot be underestimated and is devastating to the victim. All of the abuse recommendations say that maintaining 100% No Contact is the initial key step. If you look up the words No Contact on this forum there is likely to be a wealth of reading and information which you should find useful.
I split from my ex some months ago now. Throughout this time I have felt sadness and pity for him. I cared about him and believed that he was raised in an abusive dysfunctional environment and has developed a distorted personality as a result. I believe for the rest of his life he will have one drama after another, complete with lies, infidelity and power games. I feel sad that he has to lead such a horrible life. One day I asked myself if he felt sad for me & cared for me when he was lying to me, cheating, stealing from me, using me and ridiculing me alongside his friends & family. All what he did to me he was also enjoying, the more mental distress he caused me the more fun he had. When I thought of it like that it made it a bit better when I felt sorry for him. I think it may too come down to the fact that we are caring, empathetic people with normal loving emotions.

[lover of no contact]

Hi lost and lonely,

I’m sorry that your unearned guilt is still affecting you and chaining you to your abuser. (information about a blog removed by moderator) I think his post will really help you to let go of your feeling of guilt and hopefully cut the ties with your abuser for good. He is still controlling you by your guilt.

Keep posting and reading the posts and you will move from these feelings of guilt.

[Confused123]

Hey Hun

Just break all contact and do not give him a chance to get back in your head , this is the only way to be free from them and keep them out of our head so they cant control us, are u having to keep contact cause of children

[Confused123]

Hi Again

forget to say u feel sorry for them cause one u loved them loads, but they cant respect us, that is why we have to walk away, and again tehy are very good at be manuiplating, u do not want to be with some one who is manipulative

[lost and lonely]

Hi Healthyarchive. Thank you for taking the time to give me advise. We’d been together a very long time, half of my current life in fact and so I’ve never really known anything else. I mean, it hasn’t always been so bad as it is now, but he has always had a temper. I’ve never told anyone what I have suffered over the years except his parents. I guess I didn’t want anyone thinking bad of him. Judging him ( I can see how warped this all sounds) but I just felt that with his parents, I could let it all out without there being serious consequences that I wouldn’t be able to handle. His mother confided in me that his father had been very much the same. At the Time, it kind of made sense to me that he was the way he is because of the environment he was obviously brought up in. Maybe I used that as a way of excusing his behaviour. I do believe like you say, he will be that way for life. I’ll use your advice and stratergies and ask myself when feeling guilty if he cared for all those times he made me cry, plead with him to stop and I know the answer will always be no! Thank you Healthyarchive. x

[lost and lonely]

Hi Lover of no contact. Thanks for taking the time to give me advice. I’ve just read the blog and you’re right, it’s helped. At some point in the relationship, I’ve found myself thinking along the lines of each and every one of those pointers.

I will keep posting because as I have said to Healthyarchive, I’ve never been able to admit to anyone what I have been through over the years with him. I suppose I was protecting him in a way. I’m ashamed I guess and have asked myself many times over the years if ‘i’m weak for not leaving’ or ‘strong for staying’ and not giving up. It’s never a question I’ve found the answer to… Thanks again though and I’ll definitely keep referring to the blog in times of need! X

[lost and lonely]

Hi Confused123,

Thanks for your advice! No, we don’t have children (thankfully) so I have no real reason to have contact with him (other than I worry that by ignoring him he’ll get angry!) but there again, there’s the control again that you mention! I can see it clear as day and I know it’/ms wrong but I just feel powerless and unable to rationalise when it comes to him! We’ve been together a very long time since early teens, so he’s all I have ever known. I know it’s not right and he tries to make out it’s all in my head but I have to tell myself I have normal, functioning relationships with colleagues, friends and family so I can’t be all bad! i know for now, I have to be strong and one day, all this pain and guilt will ease! Thank you Confused123 x

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

If you dont have kids with him thats brill, breaking the contact with the person u have know for ages is so hard i know i was the same only i had kids with him, i myself found it hard to break the contact, ladies here were always telling me to do no contact 100% , wheras i was on and off, but it gave me time to see that when i had no contactm how brill i felt and when the contact was there again it would make me feel low again , i always seemed to find an excuse that the contact was there cause of kids, again i think it was my body working out what was missing , i was used to daily abuse it felt weird without it. I actually had to tell myself daily why i wasnt with this person and what wasa it that he could offer me that i was keeping contact….u soon break the contact, u are not responsible for him , i felt terrible guilt for his position but truth is he caused that scenario and wasnt willing to change

[Author]

Posts