Why do I keep doing it I myself

[AssisiB]

Hello Ladies,

I’m new here. This is my third abusive relationship and I have been told it is me because I am the common factor.

I’ve actually told a fib because I have jut remembered my first abusive relationship in my teenage years. However, in the most recent years my ex husband (separated not finalised yet) grabbed me and pushed me around but mostley he was verbally abusive. I managed to run from another country back to he U.K. With my two small children (his children). I dated a few guys and then met another guy who was verbally abusive but then slapped me. Contacted the police and found out that he had done it before. I went back and forth with him for a few weeks, and he do they always know what to say to drag us back in?

I then met my ex-ish boyfriend. This has been the worse (detail removed by Moderator) years of my life. I have suffered from verbal, mental, emotional and pysical abuse. He makes me feel like the worse person in the world, a s**g, gold digger, I have no friends etc: all I have done in the last (detail removed by Moderator) years is try and prove myself and my lov for him. H used to track every move I made. If I was out of breath at home (climbing the stairs) I was having sex to th someone. He planted listening devices in my house so he could listen to me all the time and if anyone was there (a man) when I found out about it, I even said I don’t care because it will prove my innocence. I don’t c started taking it around with me from room to room to reassure him.

So much more has gone on:

My problem is I put him on a pedestal and even after it all I cannot bring myself to cut contact with him because if I do I’m scared it’s because I will miss him, even after all the horrible things he does.

I shouldn’t be feeling like this, it should be him. Instead he’s out there living his lif where I am afraid to. Why am I such a loser and just can’t stand up for myself and say f**k you, you great big nasty bleeped

[SunshineRainflower]

So sorry to hear this, it gave me chills to read about the listening devices, so creepy. I am pretty sure my ex tapped my phone, these men are deeply disturbing.

You don’t need to answer on here, but maybe have a think about your home growing up and how you were treated. A theory is that often when we keep getting involved with these types, it is because they remind us of a primary caregiver in our youth who treated us badly. We wanted their love and approval, and seek out a similar type of person in a partner to try to replay and heal the trauma. Abuse feels familiar. But it never works, and we just keep getting abused and retraumatised. I am similar to you, have been out with a few abusive men, the last being the worst – controlling, mocking, monitoring, jealous, emotionally, physically, sexually abusive, scary and dangerous. I realised that all these men remind me of my brother, who has always been emotionally abusive to me, and whose approval I always craved. My ex even commented on how similar he was to my brother, in terms of age, looks, hobbies, behaviour, it was pretty weird as I wasn’t consciously looking for someone like my brother.

Counselling could help you to work out your pattern, heal and choose healthier partners. I think it’s best to give dating a break until you’ve figured it out and healed, because you’ll just keep attracting and be attracted to the same types until then.

You will feel miss him at first, it’s incredibly hard, sad and painful, but after a time of no contact it gets better because the trauma bonds start to dissolve as your own strength returns.

P.S You’re not a loser, far from it, you have been abused and traumatised and deserve only love and kindness. After abuse we have the abuser’s words in our heads, we have to try to change that internal dialogue and start looking after ourselves. I’m very much working on this myself, it takes daily effort as it is unfamiliar to us.

[AssisiB]

Hi SunshineRainFlower

Firstly I would like to thank you for taking time out to reply to me, it’s so kind of you.

Yeah the listening devices are pretty creepy especially when you start to take them room from room with you because it’ll comfort him!

I did think about what you said concerning my childhood. My dad was a hard worker and worked all hours god sends and my mother wore the trousers of the family but did show affect but never said “I love you” I knew she did because she was a good Mum. In some ways think I felt anything I did was never good enough. I don’t know as this is what my ex boyfriend said, he thought he was some kind of pyscologist (correct spelling?)

Then I thought about them individually and I think I go for the “bad boys” the ones who excite me, knowing that they are a little naughty (bouncers, boxers, car sales men (lol) ) Does that make sound like I deserved it knowing that they were bad boys? I remember having a lovely sensitive boyfriend at 18 whom I broke up with and told “you’re too nice to me” now I think, I need a nice guy! So basically anyone I am physically attracted to run a mile or a hundred million!

I have lost all confidence in myself and still allow him to verbally abuse me. Because I still want to prove my worth to the cretin: The names he has called me ring loudly in my ears “who would want you with your baggy fa**y, your melted wellie too belly, ball pool t**s in socks and orange peel facial skin” then when we used to make up “you know I don’t mean it, I just say it to hurt you” oh great thanks for that.

I just want the strength to move on. To take control of my life and flip him the bird.

[Author]

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