Why do i keep forgiving them

[Teatree]

Ive noticed that my partner is very paranoid like eeverytime my phone goes asking me who it is or constantly butting into conversations whilst on the phone.
The biggest issue im having is when they get in abad mood they get drunk then i get endless abusive messages i do turn my phone off but the next morning i turn my phone on and they are horrible. I then have a period of quiet about a week then i get sucked back in some issue they need help with then they apologise then take me out make me feel like im the most loved person thrn it happens again. I love them so much but i can’t see anything changes been over (detail removed by Moderator) years!

[Eggshells]

Hi Teatree,

Welcome to the forum.

I’m sorry to hear what’s been happening. This must be a very confusing and distressing time for you.

If you are on the forum then you’re obviously wondering if this is abuse.

Have you ever seen the abuse cycle diagram? If not, it might be worth having a look to see if it feels familiar to you. It’ll cone up in a Google search.

There are lots of really good books that the ladies can recommend if you feel like you want to explore this further.

In the meantime, please do take a look at this link to see if it helps you. https://www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

[Bananaboat]

Trauma bonding. The best image I’ve heard and I’ve repeated this a couple of times on here, is where you keep playing those grabbing machines in arcades, you know you could win a teddy (or in this case a night out, being treated well), but you have to lose a thousand times before you give up. The good time / the win hooks us in, makes us excuse the bad times or forget them quickly. We are trained by them.

[Teatree]

Thank you for replying i feel very alone and trying to stay strong i really thought this was the one 😢x

[Sunshines]

I am the same
I try to salvage hope & collect good times I’m so desperately wanting a family for my kids.
Even when it’s physical it’s still abuse the butting in on the calls. I even have started to sneak around food making sure my kids can have certain food whilst he’s not around
Then he comes back after an argument apologises and I stupidly get sucked in I do not know where my strength & identity has gone it’s complete madness I’m ashamed of myself

[Teatree]

I feel the same but ive identified its them you’ve nothing to feel ashamed about its just so hard when you love them so much and hope they will change i keep getting told theyll seek help then it will all be so good for a little bit and the cycle of abuse continues that diagram has been very helpful for me to look at and know its not me.

[Eyesopening]

Yes it’s probably what everyone here has been through, that’s what keeps us there, if they were bad all the time we would never have stayed for any amount of time. Cognitive dissonance, trauma bonding, (like Stockholm syndrome) its all very intense chemical reactions that are going on in our body that we are not able to control.
At work recently, we had a guest speaker who was an expert on trauma, she said imagine we are like icebergs, 5% of us is above air – that’s our conscious mind, what we can control. The rest of us 95% our body, is our unconscious thought, under water. I think this is why affirmations are so good, they are like training our unconscious. I also think that’s why it’s so hard to leave, the unconscious 95% has been chemically conditioned to want to stay because that’s what it thinks is safer, plus we get good highs where we are, like a gambling addiction.
I think it’s unbelievable how much we have to fight to get free of these abusive situations. But everyone has that power, in the end we are fighting for our rights.
We all have it in us to fight for our basic human rights.
x*x

[Sunshines]

I can’t actually believe I’m still going around in this cycle he’s absolutely vile spurts so much anger and hatred then says sorry. It’s like shocking and bazaar. I honestly don’t know what to do to get out do I up and leave a lovely house I’ve made with my kids and get as far away as possible I’m feel like I’m dragging them through it but I am if I stay. I surrender to him to have peace. Seriously I’m in such a confused place. Is it actually worth getting up and leaving your belongings to get out of this hell? Can you literally start again from scratch. And I’d have to move cities. Do you plan your final exit ? And will refuges take you from another city ? Or just your own ?

[Eyesopening]

Hi Sunshine, lots of good questions here, Womens Aid and/or your local Domestic Abuse services will be able to help with all the logistic kinds of things. Also many women here will have experience to share. I left but had no kids and could go to my parents.
But I wanted to say with the kids subject, I grew up with an abusive father(still not 100% sure) but he has angry outbursts and we walk on eggshells sometimes. In every other way he has provided and been a kind supportive father. Don’t think the kids are not being affected. I grew up terribly anxious and just afraid of people. I ended up in a abusive relationship myself. Others here has said kids either end up in an abusive relationships or end up being abusers if they grow up in an abusive home. Now I have had to go live with my parents and now my Dad’s behavior is affecting me. I see my mum running around to his rules and trying to appease him and at her age is so sad to see the cycle has not stopped. It’s heartbreaking. It’s making me miserable, I sometimes wish he would hurry up and die so we can just have a happy family home without him. That sounds terrible I know, but it’s the truth.
xx

[Sunshines]

I’m thinking of an injunction I think that may do it so I can make the break. It’s so exhausting even having to conversation with these people they switch so quickly to nice and nasty you don’t know what one to believe. There is no way he is going to stay. He’s getting worse & worse. And my children are on egg shells when he is here. He’s left and I feel relief no sadness. Anger at myself and him and relief. I hope he stays away. And yes eyesopening I grew up in an abusive house too as a child. Except my mum got rid in the end and went on to marry someone who absolutely adores her. So there is hope x

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