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I have read lots of posts on here about whether or not people can call what’s happening or happened to them abuse.
I was in an abusive relationship for (detail removed by moderator) I have been in a carry on mode for the last (detail removed by moderator) where I thought I was dealing with everything but over the last few weeks things have caught up with me and I am receiving counselling and trauma therapy.
What’s come out as the biggest thing for me is how much I hate and physically cringe when someone says I am a survivor or I was abused. I am dealing with why but it’s so hard to understand why I don’t like being referred to as that.
I think a lot of it is thinking other people are worse off than me or there were good times in my relationship so it couldn’t have been abuse even though I know in my logical side of my head that it was.My relationship wasn’t that my husband would blow up because his dinner wasn’t on the table and I wasn’t a wallflower in our relationship either, when we argued, sometimes I would argue back and stand my ground so this makes me think maybe I deserved what happened.
He was first physically abusive to me after (detail removed by moderator) I was his first girlfriend so he would apologise and use this as his reason. He was physical with me several times over the (detail removed by moderator) from punching me in my jaw and knocking me out, kicking me, pushing me and his usual act was grabbing me around the throat sometimes to the point of lifting me off the floor.
I knew this was wrong however forgave it Everytime as he would say it was my fault for getting in his way or pushing his buttons.
I met someone else then who gave me the strength to realise it was wrong and I deserved better. Over the years I had fallen out of love with him and the relationship became draining dealing with his moods and the emotional toll on me being hurt, being apologised to and then having to move on and not being allowed to talk about the event again.
I tried to end things 3 times but always took him back because he was really good at making me feel “safe” and telling he would look after me so I had learnt to think I needed him and he had taken away my strength that I used to have.
Eventually I told him I was seeing someone else as a way of ending things for good.He still wanted me back after that but a final physical act (detail removed by moderator)
Without this time I’m not sure if I’d have gone back again if I’m honest.
But I still minimise my experience, I feel guilt for having an affair even though I don’t regret it and am still with my new partner now and very happy and the relationship is healthy. And I think this guilt again makes me feel like I deserve what i went through.
It was only after leaving that I realised the emotional abuse and controlling and manipulation I also went through, i only thought it was physical until i stepped away.
(detail removed by moderator) and myself and the children have bought a new home which we are looking forward to moving into.
I have filed for divorce and we are in the process now and I’m hoping once the house is sold it’s the last element of control he has and I won’t have to deal with him at all.Be good to hear if anyone else struggles to use the words victim and abuse.
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Oh absolutly yes I will fight these labels till I die.
I hate them.
I wont and dont want to use the A word nor am I a survivor and never will be. I am still with my not so nice husband trying to fight for a life worth living. My counsellor tells me that I need to accept what is happening even if I dont want to take on the labels which is what I am trying to do. Accept then I can work out my path. But it doesnt mean that I have to accept these labels I just wont and why should we?
You dont need a label to heal and move on, you dont need a name for all the hurt you suffered. You need to open up accept it wasnt your fault and heal as best as you possibly can so you can be free and live your best life.
Labels are not what defines you, your strength your determination your fight thats what makes you you. Dont worry about putting a name on it just heal from it sweetie. Good luck xxxxxx -
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@nbumblebee – just because you haven’t left, it doesn’t mean you aren’t a survivor. It takes strength and courage and resilience to stay in and put up with, an unhealthy relationship. From that perspective, we are all survivors.
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