why do I miss him so much

[lemoncup]

Hi,
I’m new here so please bear with me.

My husband of a decade left me a few weeks ago for another woman, (detail removed by moderator) his senior. Its broken my heart, I miss him like crazy but why?
I didn’t even want to be with him for the past year since our child was born, he was awful. I was even unsure on marrying him at the time, I wish I hadn’t. I didn’t think that I was in a abusive relationship, people would tell me it weren’t right but I always made excuses for him. He would push me about and strangle me on a regular basis, worse when he was ‘chatting’ to another woman, there was 4 in total and left me for the 5th. He spat on me and held knives at me threatening to kill me, stabbing it an inch from my head. It became my norm, since we broke up the violence has escalated beyond my imagination and he says its all my fault I make him do it by goading him. Every time I would go around to discuss things it would end up in violence.
There was control and gaslighting throughout our relationship. Everyday I was walking on egg shells not knowing what mood he was going to wake up in, come home in, he would just switch. I cant help but think though that he weren’t totally bad, we had some really good times especially at the beginning at times he would do anything for me. I miss him so much and love him dearly but I know we cant be together. To watch him move on so fast is killing me and doing the things I desperately wanted to do with him, he’s doing with her.
I’ve told her about him but she doesn’t want to know, he’s also cheated on her already and he says that she’s a doormat. He’s falling for though apparently.
I’m sorry its all over the place, my thoughts are and I’m an emotional mess.
I feel so lost.

[Poodlepower]

It’s hard I know , but please know that this is your chance to get away from this man. Protect yourself as you’d protect a loved one from pain and abuse. Cut all contact and look to the future.

I know it’s not that easy. There will be times when you pine for him and want to contact him. But zero contact will , eventually, lead to you feeling much better. Keep busy and focus on what makes you happy. Eat well, exercise and talk , talk ,talk through your feelings, either with friends or by posting on here.

You can do it xx

[BakingQueen]

Hi lemon cup and welcome 🙂

I echo what Poodlepower has said, practice self care, work on yourself. Focus on things that make you happy.

It is tough but remember the good times weren’t real. The nice person isn’t actually them and it might seem like they have moved on and are happy but understand these men are fundamentally flawed. What they lack in, they drain from their partners. She’s in for the same and it is nice for you to try and warn her but these men are clever. He has already built a wall between the two of you to ensure she doesnt like you so whatever you say wont be taken seriously. This is her mess now, she will deal with it as she see fit.

Do what is right for you and your child. Feel those feelings, allow them to come and go. The more you fight them, the harder it is to move on. You are allowed to miss him, nothing wrong in that but you are also aware that you wont go back, that’s a positive thing.

Stay strong, take this moment to finally be free from him and get everything legal and documented from here because he will mess you about.

The worst is not over yet, but you WILL get there. Have faith x*x

[fridges]

Triangulating in relationships – please check this term.
Remember what he does with this woman, it is not real, it is not love. He did not become suddenly a loving man. It is love bombing time, to hook her in and then she will suffer, just like you did. There will be no happy ending.
I saw this with my own eyes and experience on my own skin.
I was used as a display – in both my abusive relationships, to wrap the nose of other women. I was used in a such low way. Second time very quick I figured it out, why he did that.
He took me to the restaurant where his wife went with her girlfriends almost every week. It slipped out of his tongue, while I was there. I have asked why did you need to take me here? To show her what she lost. I figured it out, that he just doing this, to hurt poor woman and using me to do that. It was one of the many reasons which clicked in my head, I need to figured it out, how to get out. He was the one who was blackmailing me.
Prior this accident, there was one more girl, just like me – and he was playing the same game with me. Like I suppose to get envy and jump to his arms, I had totally different reaction – you want to date her, go and do it.
And between – he even tried to do it with my friend, like thinking, if he will get attention from my friend, and play around – I will be holding him tight. I never wanted to be with him, but I saw the personality and what he does.
It is the tactic which many men use – specially the abusive one. They live on your pain. They feed themselves on your pain and hurt.

Right you feel worthless and low, but use this opportunity to change your own pattern, think about how you would like to be and how you would like to feel in life. With all my heart I wish you to overcome and find the strength in you to come out of this relationship.
With the abuse we lose self esteem, of course we do, who will not? How you can feel about yourself if someone does this horrible things to you?
But here you can start to open up and get guidance how to come out, and turn to a much better version of yourself.
There is forum, there are groups who can help to build your self esteem, there is a help line, and many wonderful supportive women on the site.

[Lisa]

Hi Lemoncup,

Welcome to the forum, I hope you find it a supportive place to be. These men want power and control over women, he will always treat women like this.

What he has put you through is unacceptable, you and your child are better off without him. You have mentioned escalating violence, your safety is really important, it is difficult but your contact with him needs to be reduced.

If you are able to, please call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247. It is open 24/7 and calls are answered by trained female support workers that can talk things through.

Take care and keep posting

Best Wishes

Lisa

[Author]

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