Why do I miss him so much

[Anonymous]

I know we shouldnt be together but I really miss him today. I have offered to help find him somewhere to live on the promise he will take himslef off my joint tenancy. I think because he is being so nice and not being difficult it makes he think maybe he is not the monster I paint him as in my head.
I’m also feeling so so guilty for the things Ive done wrong in the relationship too, he shouldnt have abused me but it doesn’t make my actions right either.

[ISOPeace]

I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling this way. It sounds like trauma bonding. Look it up as it may help explain how you’re feeling. It certainly helped me because I kept wondering what was wrong with me. Basically, the abuse has meant your threat response is always switched on and your body has chosen freeze out of fight/flight/freeze in an attempt to keep you safe. Your threat response is designed to deal with immediate life threatening emergencies so it’s actually not helpful when you’re in a long term stress situation.

Even if you feel you’ve done things wrong, it’s no excuse for abuse. Whatever you did didn’t cause the abuse because the abuse is all about the abuser’s needto control. Even if you had not put a foot wrong, it wouldn’t stop the abuse because it would be impossibleto read his mind and always know and do exactly what he wanted. Plus it would be no life for you or your kids. You’d be his slave. You and your kids deserve better.

You have taken such a brave step for you and your children. You’re role modelling real courage for your children.

I know the emotional pain is really hard to bear. The trauma bond means your feelings are lying to you – making you miss something that actually hurts you. Have you tried tapping (also called EFT)? It sounds crazy, you tap parts of your body, but it really can help you feel a lot better in minutes. There’s an app called the tapping solution that’s good.

Sending love and strength xxxx

[Anonymous]

Thank you I will give EFT a go I haven’t heard about it. I think I’ve been thinking of leaving him for so long and looking for the right opportunity that now we have finally split Ifigured I would be happier now and Im not at all, it makes sense what your saying though as the relationship had become so toxic. My parents hated each other they were constantly arguing or silent and ignoring each other and I didn’t want my children to grow up in a house like that but unfortunately that’s exactly whats happened.

Sending love back xx

[Author]

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