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Everything is making me Remember. If i take a hot bath…i remember taking one after he got in the house and assaulted me. If i look at a cable i think abou when he beat with the extension cable. He was so sorry and so caring after..that i actually thought he loved me. He kept saying sorry. He wanted to “make love” and was gentle…but it still hurt so much because he broke the skin on my back and butt. I was so stiff it hurt to move. It was an undignified beating…i didnt put up much of a fight. In the end i just lay on the floor gasping.
Sometimes I cook something and it makea me think of him…this was the only thing he praised. When i see or experience the physical effects of what he done it reminds me. I dont know how to let the pain out.I hate myself for staying so long.
I hate myself for divorcing because it is against the religion.
I hate myself for not pressing charges qhen I had so much help
I hate myself for missing him sometimes.
I hate myswlf for giving up fighting
For being so stupid i believed the things he said
For the dirt i cant wash off.
For trying to make him love me. -
Firstly, you are not alone. I can guarantee that whilst each of our exact circumstances will differ we will all be able to empathise with your post. Abuse becomes your life and it is therefore completely understandable that everything reminds you of it. Some of these memories will eventually be overwritten but some may remain. Be kind to yourself, your mind is trying to process the horrors you have been through.
Also, please do not hate yourself. None of this was your fault or choice, it was his. You were put in an impossible situation which you have survived. We all have what ifs but the reality is that leaving is tremendously difficult and therefore managing to do so is incredible.
I do not know what your religion is, nor am I religious myself. However, I was hugely troubled that I had promised to stay with him until death do us part. A friend reminded me that he had promised to love and cherish me and that abuse is never love.
Keep posting, we’re all here x
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Bless you Shinebright, this is all a natural part of the process. Unfortunately healing requires remembering. I hope that one day soon you look back and realise:
You hate him for hurting you for so long
Hate him for disrespecting your religion and causing the divorce
Hate him for scaring you so much you couldn’t press charges
Hate him for the crumbs of affection designed to confuse and trap you
Hate him for causing your despair and stealing your hope
Hate him for manipulating you
Hate him for being dirty
And love you for still being loving despite it all xxxx -
I know that this is terrible, but sometimes i still think about going back…even after everything what he did. Back to family, to all being together even to being beaten then hugged. Sometimes i think even God must hate me and that no one cud want me but him. That he beat me bcause i made him. Sometimes i tjink the imam is right….i didnt try hard enough.. why is this all in my head?…why wont it go away? Thank u both…im trying to absorb your kind, beautiful word but i can only think about how taited i am. Just thinking about getting the injunction revoked and going back to him.
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I think it is our brains are in a safe enough place to start processing everything that has happened.
And by processing them they slowly lose their power over us. Then slowly we can become kinder to ourselves, our best friends and start to heal.
It’s c**p, it has taken me years to undo some of the thoughts that society put in my head and replace them with stronger, realistic and better ones.Like a child needs its father in its life.
No- if that child was a woman we would be telling her no contact for a reason.
A child needs caring, loving, nurturing and supportive people in their lives, not an abuser who will and does destroy who they are because they share dna.It takes a lot to leave an abuser for lots and lots of different reasons and it takes even more to stay away and heal.
The abuse happens slowly, the healing will happen in its own way slowly.
be kind to yourself.
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Hi Hun
The memories are part of the recoverry process, i know u say u want to go back sometimes, but again i think its just the hugs we miss, they say when u r abused so much , the warmth of hug is what gives u consolation , and now there is no one to hug us or beat us, iknow its hard but beleiveme u dont want to go back to someone who beated u so much, the family that ignore u cause u left him wellthey not worth it , u deserved to be respected, believe beatings at any age is hard, but as we get older we get so tired out from the beatings, focus on the positive things like we can sleep in peace , i would love to be hugged by ex just one more time but u know what my body gives me such strong vibes that dont u dare go near this man that now i just know no matter how i feel it is priority to stay well away from him
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I think we have sometimes felt like going back because :
We wanted to believe in their potential and want to still do so
Can’t believe any human being can be so awful
They’ve brainwashed or dismantled us into thinking we deserve no more
Of course, the truth is that we never deserved it, they have no potential and yes, some human beings are downright evil.
I think PP’s post about turning your guilt around and pointing it at him- the perpetrator-is a fantastic one.
Your ex was nothing but a sick bully, as all our exes were. You did nothing to deserve it.
When you mentioned your ex praising your cooking: my ex had a food fixation. He put such a priority by it, and yet neglected other important things, such as how to treat your family.
I have to force myself to cook now, because I bent over backwards to accommodate his belly. They are nothing but greedy, primitive monsters.
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Everyone one here helps so much..and stopa me doing things i wud regret so much. I remindes myself this morning what started all that. Reminded myself that it was all about something i lost…a stupid mistake. Such a small thing. It was more than a week until i was able to put my own clothes on again and a bit more until i cud lay on my back in bed…because i lost something.i couldnt even sit. I cant go back can i? However much i miss him.
I have this dream…but i think maybe its really stupid…u can tell me. I know this sounds dumb but i really want to go to university. There are two things that i wud be interested in doing. I did A levels…but then we were getting married. I got a place at uni..but his family didnt want me to go and we went abroad and i got pregnant .my youngest are still too young right now..but maybe in the future.
Ita funny what u say about food Serenity. He loves his food.I felt so good..because cookingbis one of the few things im good at and i cud see that when i served him and hia friends he was proud of me. Oh God im.actually missing him…whats wrong with me? Why is my brain doing this?
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You were grateful to have the ‘crumbs’ of appreciation that he sparingly gave you.
Abusers like to confuse and torture us. You’re still suffering the after-effects of the abuse.
I’m so overjoyed to hear you speak about going to university! Of course you must go, if you want to! These men try to prevent us from achieving. They don’t want us to achieve our potential.
The world is your oyster, Shine Bright. If you go off and do the things you love, you will be giving a great gift to yourself, and you will miss him less.
You feel a void because these abusers leave a gaping hole in our lives, where our personal achievements should have been. They only allowed us to ‘achieve’ by doing cartwheels for them.
Now it’s time for you to discover and enjoy getting to know the old you again – who you were before he entrapped you- and challenging yourself and going on a new and different journey!
Even those of us who enjoy cooking for others ( I did and I am sure I will again) weren’t made to just be tied to the kitchen sink 24/7!
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Haha…sometimes I think that all im good for. Im not aure there was much of a “before” me. School, college, marriage…babies. Thats it. Had first baby late teens…shes secondary agw now. Im scared that if i try anything new people will laugh at me. For while i his behind a veil…because he told me to but because it hid me. I have a permanent injury that makes things difficult..cant say specifics but amke me feel.stupid. I.dont really know if i can do.anything. Sometimes he got angry ans said awful things. He told me the only good thing about me is whats between my legs.one time he added to that and said if my ummi had got me stitched up down there i wouldnt be such a b***h
I wish someone cud hold my hand while i cry.
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Thank u so much…u all save me from myself. Sometimes i just want to cry and cry and for someone to be there with me. I can get that here..the knowledge that there are people rooting for me. Ive had a very rocky period. We had nearly two months without any problem…because the police have been so good at arresting him for breaking injunction. I think have this calm time has given me time to think and reflect. I love my children to bits..but life is a battle. Work and care for them. I love all of them…but the last two were more his choice…it seems so wrong to say so. It would be nice to do something for me…prove to myself i can. It feels funny to even think about it. Sometimes i find it so hard to make decisions and life felt easier in many ways because everything was decided for me.its a bit scarey.
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