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    • #148084
      tiredofitall
      Participant

      He left about a week ago and after a flurry of horrible texts and calls telling me horrible I am for making this decision he went quiet so when he phoned (detail removed by Moderator), despite the knot in my stomach, i decided to answer it. What a fool! He spent about 30 mins explaining (detail removed by Moderator) and suggesting that we live together for a few years (just as co habitors) so that he can spend time with our children (one of whom is an (detail removed by Moderator) so they are not babies). He seems convinced this is in the best interest of everyone and then got very defensive when i didn’t want to do it. That I’d rather be financially worse off than voluntarily live with him again. I should know better but it still disappoints me every time that he cannot see anything from my point of view and can only ever see how wronged he is. I was hoping that I might be able to get away without a solicitor as it will cost me so much money but I don’t know how to move forward with him when he won’t accept the reality of the situation. No wonder he wants back in, he doesn’t work and I’m paying all the bills. he said he’d get a job when he got back…why can’t he just see that he needs to take control of his own life. I’m absolutely done in with all his drama, his addictions and his never end reasons on why he behaves the way he does. There is always a reason. Why do i keep wishing that he will behave differently when i should know by now that he isn’t capable of it. I feel such a fool that I’ve allowed him to hurt me again. I KNOW that I’m doing the right thing but he always make me question whether I’m being selfish. And he plays it off on the children as he knows i’d do anything for them to be happy. I know they support me in this and they don’t want him back living with us but I’m just scared all the time. Scared of him contacting me, scared of his reactions, scared that I’ll never find a way to live without always having his voice in the back of my head. It feels like an over reaction as its not a physical threat but living for 20 plus years in an atmosphere completely dictated by someone’s mood is hard.

    • #148141
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi tiredofitall,

      This isn’t an overreaction; your feelings are completely valid. Emotional abuse is serious and it can take time to recover. I totally understand you wanting him to accept reality and how frustrating it must be for you interacting with his refusal to. Try to be kind to yourself about how his behaviour is making you feel. You can see his patterns and how he uses them to manipulate, sometimes it takes a little while for emotions to catch up with logic.

      Take care and keep posting,
      Lisa

    • #148161
      Bananaboat
      Participant

      They know how to work us, and making us feel guilty especially about the kids is a weapon in their arsenal once you’re out. Like you, I had contact from my ex this week which sent me into a spiral, it took a couple of days but my mind did click and I realised hang on you’re making me feel guilty, but not once did you ask about our child, the message was all about your feelings. Which helped snap me out of the funk as I realised he’s not changed, I’ve done nothing wrong. Sadly their power over us continues as we’ve been trained and it takes time to break that conditioning – think of pavlov’s dogs. But we can break it, as my example shows – just give yourself time xx

    • #148163
      Shazza
      Participant

      Not an overreaction at all. I can completely understand what you have said. My ex has at one point asked me to go back telling me its for the best for our child and has called me selfish for not doing as he asked. He also seemed only able to think about his wants and needs and no one else’s. When he realised that his wants and needs werent going to be pondered to anymore he became very defensive.
      They are all so similar. It will never be their fault in their eyes. They will never acknowledge that their actions have led to these decisions being made. They will always play the victim and act as though we are the selfish horrible ones.
      It’s so hard feeling that fear, I have it everytime my ex contacts me and fear his reactions.
      All we can do is give ourselves time. Slowly their voices and control will start to lift. Stick firm with the decision that you knoe is right for you and your kids. He is throwing his toys out the pram cos he hasn’t gotten what he wants.
      Sending you much love x

    • #148164
      tiredofitall
      Participant

      This forum and the wonderful people on it just keep holding me up time and again. Thank you for taking the time to share your experiences with me that always remind me that its not me. I’ve really started to try and be honest wand share with people what he is saying and doing. For a long time, I just held it all in as I didn’t want to be judged through their eyes wondering why I was still here – its what i would be thinking. But once I made the decision and then started telling people, their reactions validate my decision every time. They only hear one example of something he has said or done and they are horrified and I think we’ve been living with this for such a long time that we have become conditioned. I’ve decided to go for some counselling too but am a bit worried that it might be too soon. I’m not sure if i need to just be head down, get through until the divorce and financial settlement is over and whether counselling will make me feel more vulnerable rather then stronger.

      • #148230
        Shazza
        Participant

        Everyone probably benefits in different ways to counselling, but for me at the moment I am using it to help me to deal with the issues that arise with separation (such as finances, housing etc) as I get so anxious dealing with him about these things that I find I need that safe place to talk my feelings through with someone. I usually come out with a clearer idea in my head that I am not being unreasonable for example. I do speak about what has happened in the relationship as well but it is all at my own pace. I know what you mean about feeling more vulnerable as it is like ripping a plaster off a wound in order to heal x

    • #148166
      Grey Rock
      Participant

      They use the FOG to control us. Fear Obligation and Guilt. The book Out of the FOG really helped me to get out of this and stop being so affected by my exs BS.
      Like your ex, mine didn’t work. He saw himself as above everyone and everything so couldn’t work for someone else and when he tried to work for himself he simply never had the experience needed to fulfil all his promises to people . Sad really, but even sadder was the fact that as his supply I was his meal ticket. Like yours mine would treat me to short periods of calm before trying to initiate contact one way or another (getting progressively sneaky in ways of doing this)to issue his demands, manipulation and threats. I gradually learned that listening to him was like poison for my soul and managed to stick to the no contact. It was really hard though.
      He won’t see that his current scheme doesn’t benefit you. That’s neither here nor there to an abuser. To them our purpose is to make their life easier and supply them with what they want, be it attention, power, money, sex, status or simply someone to control. But we don’t owe them those things no matter what they want or think.
      Please don’t beat yourself up. Try to look on it as a lesson learned and resolve to master no contact x*x

    • #148237
      tiredofitall
      Participant

      I really relate to what you’ve all said. He came back (detail removed by Moderator) with no warning and a barrel full of lies about his intentions. He wasn’t getting enough attention and sympathy from his family so he’s come back to create more drama for me (and his dealer is here too). It just makes me more resolved to get this sorted. I’ve got apps with solicitors and if it costs me all the money I have then it’ll be worth it to be free of him. The support from my family and friends is a boost but at the end of the day I’ve got to face him every day. But (detail removed by Moderator) for the first time I didn’t let him intimidate me or force me into doing something and I told him id call the police if he didn’t stop coming for me. I hate him so much and I can hear him acting like the best dad in the world and I want to scream that he doesn’t deserve to be treated nicely but I suck it up because I don’t want to hurt our children and more than he has done already. If just sticks in my throat that they are so desperate for him to love them that they suck it up when he is nice but its me whose wiping their tears after he treats them like c**p again. I’m going to try the counselling and see how I get on with it. I feel I’m on the edge of tears or anger depending on how I’m being treated and that’s probably not a good way to be. Just need to hold tight to that future that I know will be mine eventually x

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