Why do I still love him

[Hsjslehdhd]

Having a bad couple of days, feeling quite alone and overwhelmed.

I miss him but don’t want to be with him, it makes no sense I know but I generally do miss him and love him.

I feel like I’ve been pushed into the legal route and it’s all gone to far for my liking. I just want peace and mutual respect, I don’t want to hurt him or get him in any trouble. I feel like I want all the legal stuff to stop but don’t know if I can make that happen. I’m just so scared of the aftermath of it all. I wish I had got out a different way without involving the police but that wasn’t offered to me and I didn’t know about other support until I had rang the police. It’s all just a little too much and I feel like it’s going to make things worse in the long run.

I’m just a bit lost and don’t know what to do

[Strongenough]

I can understand where you are coming from. Its sounds like because you are a nice person with respect for others it’s natural you don’t want to hurt someone who ultimately you have loved. However it’s not the same for him, the fact you have had to leave and speak to police would indicate to me he isn’t someone who can be reasoned with.

If a crime has been committed then the police have to investigate. Its not your fault the blame lies with him. He’s an adult and he chose to do whatever he done, he needs to be held accountable just like anyone else.

You’ve been so brave to take the first steps and sound like you are quite early on in your recovery. Its natural to feel an array of emotions, your only human and probably dealing with a lot of other stuff as well. I think you can pm on this forum, if you are needing a bit more support today I am happy to chat with you. You are not alone ❤

[Hsjslehdhd]

Thank you so much! Your completely right, his actions have brought us to where we are right now, he could of stopped, he could of listened to the warning he was offered first by the police but he didn’t so it’s now been taken out of my hands. Sometimes I seem to forget that his actions have caused all of this and he could of prevented it, I just hate confrontation or doing anything that upsets anybody to be honest especially him. I’ve never stuck up for myself against him like this before and it feels so unnatural.

I think I’m just going through a wobble at the moment, I’m hoping I’ll feel better soon.

Thanks again, I really appreciate your taking the time to reply to me❤

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Hsjslehdhd

love is your emotional response, and your chemical bonding. Its a different thing to your logical brain knowing how bad and dangerous he is, or how much he hurt you. Love is the camera lens we view these abusers through, the reason sometimes we forgive so much, hear and accept their excuses.

However, his ‘love’ including being cruel to you, seeing you distressed and upset and engineering situations that you were scared in. Love is not about making someone scared and intimidated, love is the feeling that is supposed to put a stop to pain, because if you love someone it hurts to see someone suffering. Sadly he had the capacity to watch you suffer, and not only that but be the cause of your deliberate suffering.

I don’t understand how someone does this. This fact is what is making it difficult for you to now see him, as a fully grown responsible adult, take the consequences of all his hateful abusive actions against you.

Many just wanted the abue to stop. We want the love, and a true frienship and partnership but without the abuse, and they can’t seem to offer all those things, as underneath it all their default mode is abuse, so even the ‘good’ stuff is manipulation.

You have been so strong to come this far, and I am sure there have been many tears and much fear instilled by him, now its time to prioritise you, and just you. Think about yourself and what he’s put you through. You had to become to a degree, desensitised to his abuse, to be able to live with it, now you can safely cry and comfort yourself without fear of him. He is physically gone, but the emotional ties still need cutting and grieving for. Take your time and do keep posting and talking through this process, breaking the ties does happen, they do break and you will be not only physically free but emotionally too. Look after yourself, baby steps.

warmest wishes

ts

[Hsjslehdhd]

Thank you for your reply.

Your explanation makes so much sense.

It’s really hit home with me after reading it why I feel the way I do and it is natural to feel this way but he didn’t have that empathy for me and that’s why we are at where we are right now.

Yes so much fear and so many tears while he around. Now I just feel either numb or anxious and worried constantly. I can’t seem to process any of it, I haven’t cried and can’t cry its so strange.

Thank you it gives me hope to know them ties will eventually break and I’ll finally feel free❤

[Hereforhelp]

Hi, it is so fast and overwhelming the stage you are at. Read your last post your wrote about the ups and downs, do you have a journal of his abuse to remind yourself.
It is normal to feel scared and worried. It also sounds like a trauma bond that you are worrying about him and how police involvement would impact him?

Do not underestimate him, he knows what he has done and will not give you the mutual respect you ask for.

Do you have a DA Support worker or counsellor you can ring?

Keep posting ❤️

[Hsjslehdhd]

Hi, thank you so much for your reply. You’ve definitely hit the nail on the head, so so fast and overwhelming. I feel like so much was happening in the beginning I didn’t have chance to breathe even and I was running on pure adrenaline and now I’ve run out of energy and just crashed.

I have started writing a journal this past week and it is helping. Unfortunately I dont have one from when we were together, I was too worried about him finding it.

I’ve heard about trauma bonding, it’s definitely something I’m going to look more into.

I have a DA support worker but she seems to of backed off since I’ve took her advice and got more help from the police. She was ringing me every day but now shes not called in about a week. I might call her tomorrow, I always feel better afterwards.

Thank you❤

[liftingthefog]

Hi,
I can barely type this as felt so moved by your post that it brought me to tears.
I am in (I think) now a similar situation to yours. Having loved him to distraction and thought I could ‘fix’ things the police are involved and everything seems to be escalating out of control.
However in my case things escalated when I was making my usual attempts to withdraw with minimum impact to him, thinking foolishly that I could navigate my way peacefully out of the abuse.
I am recruiting agencies and mental health teams to help me get through leaving when everything has gone in the opposite way that I ever wanted for myself and him.
The others are right though. The lack of empathy, kindness or remorse to all that you/we/others have suffered if what has led HIM to where you are.
The heartbreak is the wasted years loving someone who never ever loved back and navigating our broken selves through the destruction that was once our ‘Life’.
I’m trying to reassure myself and trust that this is the journey that will lead us to a place of safety and peace.
🙏🤞xx

[Hsjslehdhd]

Hi,

I’m so sorry to hear you are going through something similar. This stage is so hard, I’m struggling to process everything at the moment. It’s the waiting and the uncertainty that is getting me the most, I’m really struggling with anxiety and I can’t cope with not knowing what’s going to happen. I’ve got a few things to focus on this next week so I’m hoping keeping busy will help.

We have to take pride in standing up for ourselves, it’s so scary but it will be worth it in the end. Well done for getting some support in place! Thats amazing! Support is so so important, the more the better, I’m trying to take as much support as I can possibly get this time and it’s definitely helping.

Sending lots of strength❤

[Anonymous]

Struggling with this now myself, been strong for over (detail removed by Moderator) , ignored everything he has thrown at me , went zero contact, determined to stay away for good no matter how he manipulates the situation, and (detail removed by Moderator) out of the blue texts me I’ve met someone else , now strangely I’d conditioned myself to the fact I may hear this as another tactic to lure me back & yet I’ve found myself hurt & upset , the thought what if it’s true ? I really thought I was getting strong and over the worst , it’s been (detail removed by Moderator) now he hasn’t let up with contact and I’ve ignored, but this got me , even though I hate him for how his treated me , why am I hurt ? I think to myself why am I upset at this ? I don’t like the way it’s bothered me as I feel as though it shouldn’t. I still haven’t reacted to him over this .

[Hereforhelp]

Hsj, Duchess

How are things now? This is incredibly hard and I hope you are getting some support?
Keep posting if you need to, we are all here and you are not on your own
❤❤

[Author]

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