Why do I still question it and why can’t I say goodbye

[Butterfly3]

It’s been a while since I posted and tbh I suppose I feel ashamed and not worthy. I was given a house by the council to get away from him with my children but I’ve not even ended things with him. He’s been staying most nights. He doesn’t have a key but knows it’s in my name not his. I don’t know why I can’t just tell him to go. Most of the time he just isn’t nice to me but I feel like I can’t cope without him. Money wise I struggle without his input and I know it sounds silly but I feel like I cant do things alone I’ve become so dependent on him. I don’t know how to put air in my tyre or change a light bulb properly and before him I could do so much more. I feel pathetic. We share a child so I’ll never truly be free from him and I worry things will get so much worse as he will control me through her. I feel in a constant state of confusion too. I never know if I’m actually the one in the wrong or him? I don’t even know what’s real anymore and I don’t know how to finally end it.

[Lisa]

Good morning Butterfly, thank you for sharing this and being so honest about your situation.

None of what you have shared with us sounds silly, it is also understandable that you are also concerned about the control continuing through your child.

Do you still have support in place through a local domestic abuse service? Do remember that you can also contact a support worker through Women’s Aid via the Live chat

Best wishes

Lisa

[Hawthorn]

Hi Butterfly3,

Sorry you’re having such a hard time. You are not pathetic, you are being abused. The abuse makes us so confused it makes it difficult to act, that’s how they keep us trapped. It’s not silly to feel you cant cope with without him, he has destroyed your confidence to make you feel like that. Again it’s a result of his abuse. It is not your ability that has gone, but your confidence. He has taken it from you.

In order to free yourself from the abuse you need to get a clear picture of what’s been happening. Are you keeping a journal of what he’s doing? That will help you see the patterns, how the cycle of abuse keeps turning and grinding you down. Google the power and control wheel and the cycle of abuse. Have you reached out to womens aid or your GP? You need and deserve support to escape this.

Do not be ashamed, it is not your fault he is abusing you and your children; that is his shame to carry. As long as you are beating yourself up it will be difficult to gather your strength to dump him. He is the abuser. You are his victim. You are not what he says you are. Keep reaching out, you have nothing to be ashamed of, we all of us here know how difficult it is to leave.

Big hugs xx

[gettingtired]

You’re not being silly nor are you pathetic at all!
We are all either in the same position as you or have been there so please don’t feel silly or apologise. Abusive relationships are much harder to end or leave than ‘normal’ relationships.
We are all here for you x

[Empoweredhealing]

I think there is so much shame that we put on ourselves when we go back to an abuser. But instead of seeing an attempt as a failure, I like to think of it as PRACTICE. Breaking the cycle of abuse is really difficult. So if you need to practice 6 times (or however many times as you need) to leave for good by the 7th try, then those first attempts did their job. Every attempt helps strengthen your knowledge and resolve until you are free for good. Keep posting and reaching out for help.

[Author]

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