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I am missing him so much. I am on holiday with friends and I want him so much. He should have been here with me and I blame myself now for contacting the police because they didn’t believe me anyway and now his parents are wanting all the family things back that they gifted to me when I moved into my house. I can’t be with him now that the police were involved and his family won’t let him anyway. I still love him so much. It’s breaking my heart and I just want to be with him.
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Hi there, I’m sorry you’re going through this at a time when you should be relaxing. Please remember you’re missing the good part of him which is the ‘fake’ him. I think they change because it’s in their nature to change. Once they have hooked us into their web of lies, they begin their campaign of terror which is where they get their real highs. I think it’s a pattern of behaviour they follow with every relationship. Their nature is to control. It took me a long time to come to terms with this reality. Think of a frog going into a pot of boiling water, it would jump straight back out. However if you put it in warm water and slowly turn up the heat, it’s boiling before it knows it. It’s going to be painful for a while. It’s going to feel like withdrawal symptoms from a strong addiction. We were so very happy, or so I thought in the beginning. But it simply wasn’t enough for him or how he wanted to live his life. He is not your responsibility. You need to try and look after yourself. Your mental and physical health as much as possible. You’re trying to work out the mind of an abuser. These men simply don’t behave in any way we can relate to or ever begin to understand. Their agenda is to hurt and destroy. You know you’re capable of real love and putting another first, you should be very proud of that wonderful nurturing nature. It’s a shame he will never appreciate that. He will always be the shallow abuser while you can recover and flourish once again x
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Hi Peacethroughhealing,
The way you are feeling now won’t last, the more time you are away from him the less you will feel like you are in a fog. They don’t think, feel or act the way we do so it is very hard to try and understand them.
Think back to when you called the police – i bet you were scared? That ‘man’ whose actions made you call the police is the real him. He isn’t the nice man who wooed you in the beginning, that was all an act. You did the right thing. Keep coming on here and talking to us, i promise it will help.
Scarecrow
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like kip says your going against years off conditioning that takes just as long to turn these feelings around. you will feel differently in time – i know what you mean tho we NEED answers badly to move on. i feel better now knowing that he was crazy (which is a pretty rubbish reality) but he is who he is and i could never have changed that and neither could you xxxx
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My head knows this but my heart hasn’t caught up yet. All I know is that I miss him and he’s in my work swanning about and everyone loves him. I just want his cuddles and his love. I don’t understand how someone could do all that and be beautiful but it’s all a farce. My friends must be sick listening to me go on. I feel so lost without him. I’ve come on this break with people that I used to work with and their friends but maybe it was too soon. Most people are in couples. I’ll be okay but I want to text him so much at the moment and I am so close to doing it…
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Ask yourself deep down, what would texting him really achieve? You would be giving him the power back. The power to stomp on your heart all over again. To make you feel even more distraught. To tell you how you’re to blame for absolutely everything. Even if he was to cuddle you. It’s a temporary fix and your punishment would follow for daring to cross him. I read on here about a man who got back with his girlfriend after this sort of thing. Only to reel her back in with his Charming routine, wait till she had fallen for him all over again and then he dumped her in the cruelest way. The man you fell in love with doesn’t exist and you need to grieve for that loss. By grieving you open your heart to new experiences. It’s a natural healthy process. I think perhaps his parents have been through all this before and know how it plays out. His behaviour is no reflection on you as a person. It’s very much his loss x
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I know KIP that I would be making up for it over a very long period of time. I have thought about that. That’s if he ever did forgive me and his parents will never be able to. They are already wanting things back from my house despite his father thanking me for saving his son’s life, or helping in the rehab process at the very least. The difficult thing for me is that I’ve gone through all the s**t with him when he was drinking and now he’s sober and someone else will get that person. He daren’t f**k yo again so will be on his best behaviour with the ladies. She will get the best of him after I’ve seen him through all the c**p and this was to be our time now.
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It wasn’t his addiction that made him abusive. Drunk or sober, he will still abuse either you or whoever is unlucky enough to cross his path. He abused you worse when he had been sober for a while. His abusive behaviour isn’t because of an addiction. Your thought process is still confused. What exactly would you be making up for? You have done nothing wrong. You are the victim in all this. He attacked and abused you, yet you still feel it’s you who has to make up for it. I know the feelings of thinking someone else will be getting the attention, it drove me mad because we still have those crazy rose tinted glasses of a victim on. Just keep going with zero contact. You have done extremely well. You need to retrain your thought process and that will take time x
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The fact his parents have already been through this and chose to ‘hate’ the woman tells us a lot really hey. The pattern is repeating.
Say sorry to him and to them? You’ve done nothing to apologise for flower, you’d be saying sorry to try and make it go away and for no other reason. The next woman won’t get the best of him, she’ll get him the way he is.
I’d just give them back their stuff and walk away.
You supported him through his recovery and that will never change x
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It’s so difficult and heartbreaking to get my head round. His mum said he has never talked about anyone the way he has about me with so much love. He’s never stopped drinking for anyone. I want to text him so badly and tell him I love him. I will always regret going to the police one hundred percent as they handled it dreadfully. I can’t understand what has happened and I’m not a great person. I am certainly not perfect by any means. I still love him so much. He should be here on holiday with us here. I want him beside me. Even our sex life changed after (detail removed by moderator) and it wasn’t as passionate and at the wedding he slept with me and was quickly up and (detail removed by moderator) . He would get stressed really easily about things. The last time we had sex was still great though and I know that it’s still there. We can never be together now that I’ve gone to the police…
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It’s v natural to feel that the pain of the loss is too much to bare, this is often why women return, falsely believing this is what I want, what you want is him back but for him to change, only he won’t, if you took him back, all this tells him is he has control and can treat you as he likes and you will put up with it – and on it goes – cant remember the exact stats but I think it takes a woman around 8 attempts to leave before she finally realises going back is not the answer.
You seem to be looking back on things thinking there was a good connection and strong sexual chemistry. Those relationships that go the distance need passion, intimacy and commitment. It sounds like there was passion, but was there any real intimacy? Openess between you? Was he committed to you? Did he love and respect you?
I wonder if it would help you to try and focus your thoughts on the things he did that were cruel, abusive for now, to help you get through this longing?
You seem to be saying you feel it’s your fault for reporting to the police; only I question this, it wasn’t this that ended it, it was when he started the abuse that ended it, as you didnt sign up for that. Had he not abused you, you wouldnt have gone to the police. You clearly felt you needed protection regardless of the outcome you received from them. The Police are reknowned for not dealing with domestic abuse in the best way, it really is the luck of the draw, it depends who you get, unless there is violence they often can not see it – see it as a dispute – when this is not what is occuring at all. They also struggle with the low conviction rates, maybe some see it as pointless unless she seems clear she wishes to pursue charges – as wrong as that is. You were ambivalent hey, this was maybe picked up on. It was handled badly yes, which you can see x
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Fizzylem because I still love him and miss him and the distance is only making things more difficult. I thought it would get easier and I am only being honest but I miss him more. I am on holiday and just want him here with me. I know, I know. I don’t need you to tell me how wrong and toxic this is. I am so so close to texting him and have drafted the message but am worried that his mum and dad will intercept it and I won’t be able to see him or they will go to the police about me.
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I found that taking back control really helped. When I was floundering, indecisive and fearful. Perhaps think of a plan to put in place. Get a man and van and dump everything you have that they ever gave you and have it delivered to their doorstep. Then tell them not to contact you again. Then go back to the police and make a full statement. Or make your peace with taking no further action. Whatever your plan is. It’s easier when you have one. Indecisiveness added to my stress levels. The grieving process will take time, then the healing process. But you will get there, stronger and wiser.
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Once you send that message, a whole new world of pain opens up. If he doesn’t reply, you will be craving. Wondering if he got the message, why he has t replied. He will be in his element. He will have the power back. If he does reply it will most likely be to rip you to pieces. There’s no doubt in my mind that at some point he will make contact. Contrived as an accidental meeting, or arranged through a third party. Just hang in their and keep the power x
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It’s up to you isn’t it, of course, this is one of your choices, I would suggest thinking about what could be the possible consequences if you do send. What if he did take you back, how would this be? Sadly, there is no dream ending here is there. There is only really an end, all you really need to decide is is that now or further down the line after more hurt and suffering.
I think this is a good point KIP makes, how would you feel if he doesn’t respond?
You seem to have got it in you head this is all you want to do now, but I think you will regret it flower. Riding this out is the answer here. Have you confided in any of your friends? Would this help? Can you tell them you are feeling vulnerable and need help to stay to strong as that is what you really need here x
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Every one of my friends says I need to have no contact. I thought it would be easier the longer it went on but it’s been worse for me now and I just miss him. Yes my guessing is that his mum and dad will intercept this and tell me to leave him alone or they will get the police onto me. I don’t think I’ll get the response that I am looking for which would be him saying he loves me too.
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