Why do they get to live their life without any consequence

[foxsbiscuits]

Hi all,

Everything is in the title. I can’t put how I feel into words. It’s been years, I have been crushed by parents and subsequently multiple people.
Why am I still suffering that much? Why am I the one whose dreams got crushed and who struggles to survive everyday?

[Twisted Sister]

Hi foxsbiscuits

They do suffer consequences, they often lose the best things they ever had in their lives! Thats one, but I know thats far from the only consequence they should suffer.

They should be brought to account for their sins, but it takes more than we ever seem to have in terms of the authorities there to bring consequences to do it reliably and competently whilst protecting those that suffer the abuse. The stats for the murders of women have remained at this awful level for generations, despite apparently improving services to help end abuse.

Its also devastatingly apparent the lack of good trauma support for victims, many places still only offer some sort of CBT despite its lack of trauma focus, when all supports need to be absolutely trauma focussed.

A man, a large man, with a large voice, came into a room I was in the other day and spoke to me. I teetered on the edge of a panic attack and silently cried, whilst wetting myself, and he had no clue what was going on. I managed to ask him to whisper. He must have thought me totally crackers and asked what he’d done wrong and I found myself saying I was attacked by a man. The last thing I wanted to do!

I was mortified with embarrassment and so disappointed in myself. Maybe I should have been pleased I managed to speak but I wasn’t, I was just horrified that I couldn’t hold myself together in any way, and so ashamed, its difficult to find help. Its extremely hard to be believed and its difficult to function in a world that doesn’t understand or believe you, but just dismisses you as mad and/or dangerous.

They wonder why women don’t leave, what, to be made homeless, to end up alone and without any support, or hope of recovery, and so many reasons why women would not be able to put herself through the further trauma required to bring them to justice through the courts. You can’t blame women for not reporting, but society needs to be further educated still about the complexity. The trauma and lack of self-belief can be so overwhelming as to work very effectively in silencing victims. Its a brave thing to do, if you can, to pursue these crimes through court and be prepared to win/lose.

Life behind closed doors, often, too often, stays behind closed doors, its the nature of the crime.

I don’t think they get off entirely, as I do believe there are some, that although remaining friends will wonder about the abuser, and never fully trust them again. Maybe they learn to do it better, and coerce in more hidden ways and just more difficult to catch as a result.

Please keep talking here, reading posts and finding your feet and voice to get the support you so need, and maybe to pursue your own perpetrator through court. Be gentle on yourself, we are all only capable of so much and do what we can to survive and keep going. Strength to you x

warmest wishes

ts

[nbumblebee]

Yep. I left home at (detail removed by moderator) due to abuse had to fend for myself, then at (detail removed by moderator)  again had to leave start kver due to another family member hurting me. Now its my husband hurting me and im left wondering why i cant leave i wanna shout out loud its not fair why is it always me but i know thats a rotten thing to say. They are all out there living their best life im here stuck scared hurting feeling such guilt such sadness lonliness disgust it isnt right, not right at all.
But you cant allow them to make you bitter as well as hurt you we have to keep fighting we have to be our own heros.
Im hoping that they will get what they deserve in the afterlife its all that keeps me going.

[Twisted Sister]

oh nbumblebee who could blame you for wanting to shout out loud, and you’re right, it really isn’t fair. No young person should have experienced what you did at that age, or have gone on to be hurt further as you have. Its not a rotten thing to say, its your truth. D****d unfair and unlucky.

I am sorry to hear you feel guilt, as that surely belongs somewhere else? The loneliness, sadness and disgust many will recognise after trauma such as this. I don’t know about ‘best life’, I reckon its not a happy life, not a happy place to be in your head to be so hating on someone else, and expending so much energy into hurting and manipulating. It never fails to surprise me the amount of time that must be given over to thinking about how to manipulate and threaten, because I am sure its thought through, as well as become second nature to them. what life is that?

Yes, I agree, you’re right about that and not letting them make us bitter as that tinges our lives and our thoughts and happiness. Its a lot to deal with walking away and trying to get through what it leaves us with, but as I understand it, many women do recover and go on to live happy lives with healthy relationshis, but that these abusers don’t change, they live that same life over and over again, like groundhog day. Imagine that. Its sad, and no life.

warmest wishes

ts

[nbumblebee]

Thank you for your kind words I really appreciate them. Xxxxxx

[Lisa]

Dear foxbiscuits,

Thank you for posting and welcome to the forum. It sounds like you have coped with so much in your life. I’m very sorry to read that you are suffering so much. It is completely unjust that women suffer at the hands of abusers.

When you feel able to post more this forum is here for you. If you think you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our online Live Chat service it is available. They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here:
https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

I really hope that with the right support you are able to find some lightness and hope for better days ahead,

Kind Regards,

Lisa

[Ariadne]

Hi foxbiscuits,

Gawsh, how I understand you. I was recently watching a video that was a bit about this feeling of being betrayed by life or justice in some way because they can go on to at least seem to have great lives, while we are dealing with the impact on our health and lives.
What that video said, and it might help somewhat, is that we can never really know how their life looks like. They may be appearing to be happy, but might actually be causing suffering to others. They are also inherently unhappy inside to be acting that way to repress those feelings. We all need to change that focus back on ourselves. And I know it’s easier said then done, because you are angry that karma doesn’t seem to be working as it should. But once you get that energy back on making yourself happy, you’ll get to the point where you don’t care how he is doing anymore.

At least that’s what I hope for me as well!

Take care of yourself <3

[Author]

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