Why do they lie

[Velveteenbun]

I have been trying to arrange third party collections and drop offs with my ex. Of course he is being difficult about it. But he says he has never been violent towards me. I reeled off a list of occasions he had been violent and he then said there was only one (which he has a caution for) when I lied to the police about him assaulting me he also claims I was having se. With my boyfriend while our son was upstairs crying. Which is just a lie me and my boyfriend were hiding and my son was asleep. (We were hiding in the kitchen because I knew my ex would hit the roof if he saw he was round).
Why do they lie? Do they know they are lying or do they believe their own truths. It is hard for him to deny every other occasion as my parents know about them and he even rang them after one to get his side in first.

[godschild]

Hi, I think it is second nature for them to lie and deny, I believe they do it so much that they believe the lies themselves eventually, its all part of their character,they do it so well as well xx

[KIP.]

It’s all about gaining control and being in charge. So they will lie to confuse and make you doubt yourself. Look up ‘gas lighting’. Also, they will never admit because then they would have to carry the guilt. Much easier if we carry it for them.

[Velveteenbun]

He is claiminghe is going to see his solicitor and sue me for defmation of character. I am sick of this I just want this to be over.

[Falling Skys]

Hi VTB

Abusers are so wrapped up in their warped lies that they believe them.

Just stay strong and try not to let him get to you.

Mine has threaten me with the police and his solicitor this week, after the initial reaction I felt panic then I took control. I gave me solicitor the information to prove him wrong if his solicitor contacted mine. Then I gave him the information and told him that my solicitor had the information if he wanted to take it further and was aware of his threats.

As KIP says its all about control and they don’t like loosing it.

FS x

[older lady]

How’s he gonna get away with his abuse if he doesn’t lie about it? How’s he gonna wrong foot you if he doesn’t mess with the facts? I mean, he’s got an agenda that won’t work out the way he wants it to if he behaves towards you in a decent, civil manner. If he does that, you might get an equal say and start to assert yourself and he wouldn’t want that now, would he? I mean, he might have to start making a few concessions… Xx

[Velveteenbun]

That maxe me laugh so with the night I am having thats a good thing. I just feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall. I keep getting sucked into arguments because I want him to understand but everything gets twisted and he just seems to want to “win” even if that means downright lying.
He plays the victim, like I am accusing him of all these horrible things, trying to make him look like a monster. I hope when our case goes to court a judge sees through him and his ridiculous behaviour.

[Healthyarchive]

This is a really interesting topic. I caught my ex telling me a bare faced lie onec, he looked me dead in the eye without flinching and lied to me. I told him that I knew that he was lying and he quickly came up with some excuse, again without really flinching. This makes me think that he might have been lying to me a whole lot more, possibly stringing me along the whole way. This is quite a powerful revelation, powerful to me I mean. Its so much his loss. I really hope he was a lying, cheating conman.

[Falling Skys]

I know just how you feel, he will never see that he is twisting things like mine. I had him shouting at me your not going to win the other day. I just for the life of me see what there is to win in the situation we are in.

The positive is you are seeing that he is sucking you into arguments, these give him the reaction he craves. I find not talking to him is the best way forward as he will twist everything, I write letters if needed just with a, b and c, giving no room for interaction because that gives them room to abuse.

Judges are now getting wise to abusers, so good luck with that one.

FS xx

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Velvet, i have done a lot of reading on the conversation styles of the manipulative abuser. Our chat typically contains (by him): circular conversations, blame, withholding information, lying, avoiding the subject brought up so you come away from the conversation knowing you’ve not talked about what you want to, feeling confused and frustrated. In contrast during the conversation I would be: open, honest, blinded, sincere and trying to resolve an issue to make the relationship better.
I have some great books that detail these abuse communication tactics, I will send you a private message with the names of the books. X*X

[Velveteenbun]

Thankyou so much. I feel much better knowing others hsve experienced this level of lying. It makes me wonder what else he has lied about If he can so blatantly lie now. I am keeping the messages from today. One of the occasions he has lied about other people including my parents know about plus I was taken to a and e so I imagine there is a record of that. He is literally caught in a lie and if he is caught in that lie it opens the door for people to assume he is lying about everything else.

[Healthyarchive]

My ex told me hugely personal things about people close to him, his best friends wife and his own family. The sort of information, if they knew what he was saying, they would be horrified and embarrassed. This says to me that he was someone you could not trust with personal information, he was without respect and plain decency. Also this betrayal of trust seems to be a control tool to whom they are telling. There are alot of books available on lying or withholding information if you do an internet search on these subjects. Some of the books are cheap to buy or even free.

[Velveteenbun]

My ex used to do this. He told me thinhs about his family and his work colleagues and their relationships that weren’t any of my business. It makes me wonder what he has told people about me. I feel like he is starting to show his true colours or at least I am starting to see them for what they really are.

[Healthyarchive]

I am certain my ex told HUGE lies to all that would listen, everybody gave me the cold shoulder. I can only imagine what he said, he is such a saddo. His blatant dishonesty is shameful and I’m hoping comes back to bite him one day.

[Velveteenbun]

I am sure it will, I keep thinking one day he will trip himself up and thats it. They are just insecure little boys who wouldn’t know how to behave like a decent manif they read a how to manual.
It is just pathetic.

[Velveteenbun]

Arrrghhh he can’t even tell me the truth about something as sinple as his relationship status. Be claims the girl he was with is now his ex which to be honest I didn’t believe. I have just been to collect my son and she was there woth her daughter and they had spent the night. He has a two bedroom house. I don’t know about anyone else but I tend not to sleep in the bed of my ex if we are “just friends”. Plus my son says she is daddys girlfriend

[Healthyarchive]

That seem just incapable of telling the truth. This was one of the major reasons why I knew I had no future with my ex. I didn’t trust him one bit, I caught him lying to me and I suspect he lied to me regularly. It is even possible that he was a complete other character than what he showed me, his lies were that deep. It is not possible to have a mutually respectful and healthy relationship when you are up against that all of the time.

[Healthyarchive]

There are a number of conmen shown in TV shows & on films over the years, I suspect I had one of those on my hands.

[Author]

Posts