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Hi, I am new on here. I have been separated from my ex recently. Looking back I am starting to see a pattern of abuse.
Does anyone elses’ Ex/partner cause aggressive outburst before events such as birthdays, Christmas or holidays?
Why do they do this?
My ex had the most awful outburst for the first time the day before we were due to go away for (detail removed by Moderator). Again, another outburst was the day of my child’s birthday party, and again (detail removed by Moderator) before my birthday party.
Is this because they want the attention on them? A LOT of gaslighting in this relationship and I am now seeing the lies. He kept telling me over and over ‘I don’t lie, I never lie’. He is, in fact a liar! -
Hi Popilol,
I don’t have a definitive answer, but totally recognise that pattern. I was saying just the other day to a friend that I have actually totally lost any excitement about events (family Christmases, weddings), because we have not had a *single* one where there hasn’t been major drama.
I haven’t quite left yet, but I am SO looking forward to being able to look forward again! xx
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Hi all, I don’t do major events now, if we go, I never know what to wear, how to do my hair, what makeup to put on. He always makes a song and dance before we go out to, usually on the day, moping about, “I don’t really want to go”, that type of stuff. I’ve literally waited until he’s nearly dressed before I start getting dressed and he’s still called it of last minute.
They just like being miserable and usually anti social, I say usually because some men can do the events, it helps with their facade, you know the life of the party type.
IWMB 💕💕 -
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He ALWAYS said ‘I dont want to go, I dont feel like it, you go instead’. Knowing I wouldn’t go. I’d have to explain where he was, why he wasn’t there. I’d either make excuses or he would sometimes reluctantly come and ignore me the whole time and be totally unsociable.
I am lucky that I have wonderful friends that have always been there for me. I would hate to be alone, so I really feel for anyone that has had their family and friends pushed away during the abuse. Stay strong ladies. We’ve got this!! -
Also whenever we went out with friends, he would spend the whole time saying he felt uncomfortable. He hated every bar we’d go in to. Find fault with the queues, drinks, the people. He would end up ruining everyone’s night and storming off home. He done this literally every time we’d go out. My friends would be like ‘what’s wrong with him?’ And I’d make the usual excuses, ‘he’s stressed at work, tired etc’.
It’s amazing what you start remembering when you write on here and read other people’s posts. It really does help. -
They sense us being happy and cannot stand that other things in our lives can fulfil us. I became terrified to go away with my ex as when he knew I was trapped in a hotel room withhim, or holiday or plans I couldn’t break he would set our to destroy them. Knowing he had the upper hand. Remember they gain their sense of self worth by destroying ours. It makes them feel big to bully and see us in distress. What better way than to do it when they know it’s impogrant to us.
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Yeah mine was a Jekyll and Hyde too. Even when he was enjoying himself though I was always a little in edge as he would turn in an instant and it would all be my fault. His classic was to tell me I behaved in a certain way (flirted with someone) when I was drinking. He would convince me that I didn’t remember because I was so intoxicated,but when I asked other people they would say they never saw it or it never happened. I’d be there always questioning myself.
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Hello, Popilol,
I call this pattern sabotage. Any holiday, day out, trip abroad, celebration was marred by moodiness, ill-tempered, sulking or outright violence. I made so many excuses for him over the years!
His father was just the same. Christmas was worst because it is also the birthday of one of our children, the one he scapegoated. I think it stems from not being the centre of attention. Look at it as a massive toddler temper tantrum and you’ll be on track.
I even had him sit down and refuse to budge when I’d shelled out for train, hotel etc on a city break for HIS birthday. The taxi was booked and due in minutes. I just calmly said that was fine, I’d go alone, he could stay home. He got up and came, of course.
What he wanted was what his mother and siblings had always given his father; loads of fuss, attention, coaxing and pleading so he could feel powerful and important. I would never, ever give that to him and he hated that it didn’t work on me. One of our children started with it in adolescence and I would just say, come or don’t come, suit yourself. We’re leaving at (exact time). I’m not going to discuss your participation. And I’d go on getting ready. Usually they’d climb quietly into the car but we went without them if not. It never happened with international trips; child loved planes!
Starve the behaviour of the oxygen of your attention. Plan for A (he comes) and for B (he doesn’t) and proceed serenely. Planning for B means separate cases and passports carried individually so there’s no panicky reshuffling at the last moment, the sort of thing he’ll enjoy watching and the make it wasted energy by changing his mind.
I’d never apologise for him at events he failed to show up at. ‘Where’s X?’ just got ‘He decided not to come,’ from me. If people persisted in asking why, ‘I don’t know, you’ll have to ask him.’
Plan around him and don’t feel responsible is my trick.
Flower x
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I have had the same experience Popilol, mainly with family members. Like others have said, they seem uncomfortable with any sort of joy (maybe because they can’t feel it themselves?) so they feel the need to squash it if they see it in us. There are countless times in my life when one family member or other suddenly dropped some kind of bombshell on me during a supposedly happy day, or suddenly snapped and got nasty, or went silent on me mid conversation, or literally walked out of the house. Yet somehow I was always to blame and at the time I believed them, I thought I must be a really rubbish, difficult, annoying person until I realised it was abuse.
The thing that ties all the behaviour together seems to be unpredictability. They are unable to be consistent especially during special occasions. Both my ex and my brother are Jekyll and Hyde characters. I chose to spend Christmas alone this year to give myself some peace and it was a good decision.
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My ex’s dad seems to be the same as him, from what my ex’s mum says. The two of them are together now, so they can moan and complain about ‘us’ women. He can get all the sympathy he can ask for as the victim. They really are quite pathetic. All rageful and powerful one minute and playing the poor victim the next.
Glad to be out of it. -
Yes!!!!! Like Christmas just gone , totally ruined yet again. My closest family.member getting married , totally nasty and demanding on the morning but then an absolute gentleman in front of my family … So many times we have even had to cancel or I go alone to these special occasions , … Including his own family events.
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Such a common thread here. I stopped planning anything, and don’t accept invitations anymore.
Birthdays, Christmas etc. the run up has always been hell. His own birthday included. I always felt it was about cowing me so that he looked like the life and soul, and I looked like a miserable person. It also meant I wouldn’t enter much into conversations, and I would shrink into myself so wouldn’t get attention from others. He could be sure I was on his leash, and that he’d be the one dominating things.
I recognise the whole ‘I’m not coming after all stuff, that happened often. Somehow though, later, it would turn out that it had been me who decided we weren’t going somewhere, or who had caused us not to go by behaving in a certain manner, or by saying something to upset him, or whatever.
This would even be on basic days out, things like a visit to a fete or show in another town on a weekend afternoon. No plans were safe. Either there’d be some major drama before leaving, or he’d get really snappy whilst we were out.
So, as I’ve become more and more aware, I’ve begun to make so called ‘special times’ e.g. Christmas, into non-events. I don’t talk about them beforehand, I don’t make any plans for them, I don’t show any excitement for them. It helps that there’s only him and me here, no small children (except his inner self). I didn’t bring any cards from my workmates home at all, and didn’t buy any presents. (Sent my daughter and her partner mail order stuff straight to them, so no wrapping or that sort of excitement).
I think it’s confused him utterly, as he has no idea how to spoil a non-event, but he’s so used to having done it many times in the past. -
It’s such a shame how we change our behaviour because of abuse. We become less than whole. It felt so unnatural for a long time when I was able to feel happy. Happiness in the beginning made me extremely anxious. That came from years of having the rug pulled from under me and it took a very long time to adjust after I got rid of him. I would cry when people were nice to me. Even someone serving me in a shop. I’m still very very anxious when someone pays me a compliment. The damage these men do will last a very long time afterwards.
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It took us (detail removed by Moderator) years to manage to celebrate his birthday. Even then he ruined it and invited my kid along so we couldn’t go for a drink or go out afterwards. I had to drive, so no wine, no fun.
Previously he ruined both events because he was ill, or not up to going out. Some drama and arguments over the drama.
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