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My husband earns a much higher salary than I do. I was a sahm for many years and (detail removed by Moderator) years ago I we met back to work doing (detail removed by Moderator) hours a week. I continue doing all the the cleaning /cooking , food shop and childcare practically on my own.
If I have time off I don’t get paid. If I ask him to help me to pay for a food shop most of the time he gets really angry telling me he’s not a bank, etc and hangs up the phone. I then get stressed and anxious.
Then he will text me later to tell me he’s transferred money into my account. On
(detail removed by Moderator) occasions he’s just left me in an unknown place.
The (detail removed by Moderator) time we were on a holiday abroad in a country where we didn’t speak the language.
We were (detail removed by Moderator) and I’d found out about something he’d lied to me about and when we were talking about it he stood up and left me alone in (detail removed by Moderator)!
(detail removed by Moderator)! -
Hi Caledonia6,
It can be absolutely baffling and infuriating trying to understand why abusers do what they do. It can, however, really help if you start to think about domestic abuse being all about power and control.
With the money for food shopping situation you describe, he’s very much demonstrating that he is in control and has the power in that situation. That you have to go to him asking for the money, rather than this being a shared outlay that you deal with together, that he then responds with aggression and, later, on his terms, lets you know that he’s transferred the money, it’s all him exerting his power and letting you know he has the control here. Abusers often use finances as part of their control and if he’s deliberately leaving you short by not contributing and making you pay for everything on your lower wages, that’s financial abuse.
In leaving you stranded in unknown places, he’s giving the message that, if you do something that he doesn’t like (and the goalposts for what that might be will change, abusers will always find something), he has the power to walk away and leave you vulnerable.
It’s also in his interests to keep you busy managing the household chores and looking after the children, on top of working, because that means that you’re tired and stressed. You don’t have time for yourself, to see friends, do things you like, build any kind of life that’s not revolving around him. You also have less time to think about leaving, get support, make plans. There’s also commonly a sense of entitlement that abusers have and strong misogynistic views about women’s roles that play into this behaviour.
If you’re interested in building more of an understanding of all of this, to help you make sense of your experiences, there are a few resources you might find helpful. The Power and Control Wheel is a model developed to explain how the different tactics of domestic abuse work together to unbalance power in an abuser’s favour and give them control. The Freedom Programme is an information programme that includes material on the attitudes and beliefs of abusive men. You can search for a local group running the programme on their website or there’s an online version available. Surviving Economic Abuse run a website with lots of information about the financial aspects of domestic abuse.
Take care and keep posting,
Lisa
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