Why does he still hold control

[Happily drowning]

Hey ladies,

So I’ve typed & typed what to say so many times, each time, I’m delete it as I feel guilty to sharing part of his story. I hate him yet I still don’t want to disappoint him.

When I was (detail removed by moderator) I got into a (detail removed by moderator)  year relationship with a messed up guy. He groomed me emotionally before the physical abuse started. He would switch from showering me with efection, to (detail removed by moderator) . He wasn’t a nice guy, yet he’s still inside my head. After it ended he proceeded to stalk me for (detail removed by moderator) years. I thought I strong enough to keep quite & deal with this on my own, but he recently came into a pub I was in. It completely threw me & I hid in the toliet for 3 hours shaking. It was at that moment I realised, I need some help. I reached out to a service but I’m worried about talking to them. If I tell them everything they will arrest him and he will come after me. But I can’t keep it in anymore. I want to feel normal again & I want someone to tell me what was normal and whag wasn’t. Men make me shake now. I can’t trust them but I can’t move on. Is anyone in the same boat (detail removed by moderator) years later ??

[Twisted Sister]

Dear Happily Drowning

Nobody can underestimate how terrifying it can be to speak out for the first time.

I really know how it feels to be too terrified to speak out for fear you will be killed.

Sending you a huge motherly hug for your suffering, and yes, it can last for many years.

No-one here is going to pressure you for more than you want to say, you say what you want when you want, or not, its all up to you.

I recall being asked to dance, at a big party we went to as a couple, and as I danced with the birthday boy (married man), I was uncontrollably shaking. I didn’t understand I had already become so scared.

The helpline is there for you too when you want to speak to someone on the phone about your experiences and what help you can have.

I hope you can feel supported and safe here to stay in touch, and that you know how to keep safe away from this man.

Warmest wishes ts

[Twisted Sister]

Hello again

I just wanted to say also, that this is your story now, although you feel strong loyalty to holding his secrets, those are secrets that only he would believe can’t be shared. Everyone else would completely disagree with him, and loyalty is not about this, certainly not when it comes to what he’s subjected you to.

It was very brave of you to persist with posting something. Baby steps, be gentle with yourself and don’t expect too much.

Maybe you could think about what sort of help you think would be helpful for you.

Ts

[Twisted Sister]

Also, (just reread your post), if you are safe and if there are children, they are safe, no-one can make you say anything to police.

If it helps to reassure you ask them to tell you the reasons they might need to call police, then you can asess whether anything you might say would call into that category. It would be such a shame, now that you have started talking about it, to not to feel able to use that support to start your recovery.

Sorry about the multiple posts!

[Happily drowning]

Thank you twister sister,

I can’t even begin to express how much your words mean to me. I never knew how much just having one person really understand without pressing for details makes me feel a little more sane. I do not have children involved which is why I’ve always thought I could go alone, I thought I could be free but I’m not. He still rules me, everything I do even after this long of being ‘free’ I’m not, in my mind I’m not.

I’ve spent the whole day trying to figure out how to reply, I’m just not sure I am ready to go into a room and feel pressured into talking. I want to move on but in my mind if I talk about it about it I make it real. The what ifs become certain facts.

Thanks for all the supportive words, your right baby steps are needed. Maybe these replies are mine.

Did you every feel like you didn’t want to share?

I’m really sorry to see you’ve been through this too. You really are an inspiration

Warm wishes
HP

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there, i totally get why you don’t want to talk about him with anyone.talking about something we haven’t even been able to process to ourselves, yet alone admit, is so hard, so how can we even hope for it to make sense to someone else. This forum is a lifesaver for us, this is a safe place for us to talk. trying to talk and feeling as if no one will believe us, cos who in their right mind would would choose to be with an abuser. It took me weeks of just reading peoples posts b4 i wrote my first post. But as you said just having one person recognise and believe you, that is an unbelievable feeling.
Keep on posting, baby steps. I read past posts too, they are immensely helpful. in this the centenary of women getting the vote, we have seen women overcome such horrendous behaviour at the hands of men. We are strong. you have shown how strong you are by staying, no one is forcing you to talk, or to leave. Those are your decisions to make, you are in charge now. Try and see and be aware of good things when they happen.
My good things are appreciating the countryside when I’m out driving to work. I take the scenic route instead of through the town’s. Hearing a wee baby’s laughter.
Good luck and blessings to you
IWMB 💕💕

[Twisted Sister]

Dear HP

I am so glad something helped. You are absolutely right about the talking about it makes it feel ‘too’ real sometimes.
I do feel exactly the same. I only just reached out to the sa advice line, and this happened years ago, but I am not feeling ready to have counselling about it. We can only cope with procesessing so much at a time; do it when you are ready, and here might, as you say, be you doing that till your voice and conviction feels a bit stronger.

The support I spoke to completely understood and also told me its common to just make calls for a bit before committing to counselling.

I think we could all say that we still feel in it even though we’re out. There’s a saying about soldiers that don’t really ‘come home’ from war, they continue to live it in their heads for long after due to PTSD until the get treatment and start to process all that has happened to them.

Take your time love, no-one should push you for details, even if you are in a room with them, I have found being shut in a room with someone unbearable, as I’m sure many might after their experiences. It will take time to build trust and know your counsellor is right for you.

I really hope you don’t feel alone with this, as you will see there are many of us here that have lived with terror, the details of how we got there might be slightly different, but the fear is just the same.

Warmest wishes ts

[Author]

Posts