Why does my mind keep telling me I’ve made a mistake???

[Lionking]

Rationally I’m sure. I don’t want to be with someone who has treated me the way he has. I dont want my kids to be like him. I don’t want our lives to be walking on eggshells.

But…my mind keeps posing questions like, “what have I done?” And “why did I do this?”

It doesn’t help that I’ve gone away for a night for some space because he can’t move out yet. Means I’ve got tike to think. There have been times I’ve forgotten and then my heart has sank when I’ve remembered.

I feel like I’ve torn our little family apart.

Help me remember!!!

[Sad and alone]

Whilst time and space is good like you say it lets your mind wander.

Maybe remind yourself of specific incidents and how they made you feel? I try to keep some sort of diary, although it’s pretty dismal reading. I listed all the “major” incidents but they are in my head as well. I try and remember all the things I’ve been called. I look at other couples that look happy on social media (appreciate all may not be as it seems), or on telly. I ask myself would that man talk to his partner that way. Just try and set in your mind how this person treats you. You are where you are right now because things aren’t right.

You aren’t tearing your family apart. Staying where you are if things are not right will do that. You are simply trying to find the life you deserve.

Stay strong. Keep posting. You’re doing great. Don’t let your mind get the better of you!

[Bananaboat]

You know how when people give up smoking, they crave a cigarette even though they know it’s bad for them or tastes bad etc. Why – because their body is addicted. They also know the social cues like going outside for a f*g in the pub and having a chat – then struggle what to do with their hands or hate being stuck at the table instead. This is because of learned behaviour and muscle memory.

Same here – you body gets addicted to the chemicals released in the highs/lows. You know how to act or ‘behave’ when he’s around. By breaking up you’ve got to break the trauma bond, turn off the cognitive dissonance which is telling your brain it wasn’t that bad, detox the chemical addiction and learn new ways including who on earth we are & what we like doing. That’s A LOT and change is scary, so it’s no wonder that we crave the known, the preserved ‘safety’. That’s why learning about abuse, rereading journals/posts, revisiting photos of days out that weren’t so smiley behind the camera help to keep reminding your body and mind why you left. This stage is exhausting and you can feel your brain battling itself but it’s normal and does slow down / pass.

I saw a post online today that said something like ‘we don’t accept how bad things really were until we start reliving our story by telling others what happened’ and I thought yeah there’s truth in that x

[Phenomenon]

Hey Lionking,

First off, abuse of any kind is never your fault. You don’t deserve this.

I’m going through a very similar thing. I moved out 2 weeks ago after verbal, psychological and physical abuse that put me into hospital. My family sought advice and were told by 2 police officers that I should never be alone with this person.

But they don’t understand that this person has good in them. This person is wonderful at times. This person isnt pure evil. They just had an awful childhood experience and need support. I miss them so terribly even though I know what they did was wrong. I’ve got so much guilt. I just fled.

I was living in a roller coaster of good days and horrendous days, love and support and then – flip – ongoing verbal degradation and abuse. Constantly walking on eggshells, apologising, asking for basic needs. I wouldn’t let any of my family bad mouth them though. I still protect this person.

And I’m Grieving them still. Thinking I’m the worst person for walking out.

I understand you and your feelings are valid. I don’t know what the future holds but I hope that it is nothing but happiness and true love.

Take care of yourself and keep posting! This is your healing journey and we are all on the same path in different places. Be kind to yourself. It’s okay to feel these feelings. I’m starting to journal. Do whatever makes you smile my lovely x*x

[Author]

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