Why does this happen??

[SeekingAnswers123]

Hi, I am new here and have been reading some posts so I can try to gain clarity about my situation. I suppose I am looking for validation that what has been happening is not normal and it is not just a case of the relationship not working.

My relationship just came to an end (detail removed by Moderator) ago. We were engaged for a few years and the first year or so I would say was just lovely. I had been single for about (detail removed by Moderator) years after coming out of another abusive relationship because I really needed to take the time to heal myself and rediscover myself after all the trauma I went through.
We made plans to get married and start a family, I felt stable and secure, I was fortunate enough to buy my own house so I didn’t need to rely on anyone for anything. But after about (detail removed by Moderator) months everything seemed to change. My partner had started a fairly new job which required a lot of training and he was working long hours and also working away. I just cracked on with my own full time job and then the housework and chores on top of that but after a few months of being the only one who was maintaining the house and always cooking dinners, I became tired. I raised it to him but his answer was always that he works more hours than me and I have more time than him, which in essence is fair enough, but he was so untidy and messy and he would just leave mess all over and I was constantly picking up after him and it drove me crazy. I was actually ill in bed for (detail removed by Moderator) at one point and he did a house clean once…. he said it made him realise how much I do for us because he hadn’t realised how much work it was to clean the full house and do all the washing etc. So as time went on I began asking him to help out but it was always excuses of why he wouldn’t or why he felt like he already did enough.
By this point, amongst the arguments about chores, he also told me he didn’t know if he wanted children. He has a child already and for me it was a huge blow and something which really I didn’t know how to deal with mentally.
Things became more heated in terms of chores and every time I tried to talk to him about either the housework or the future of our relationship and how he could so suddenly go from wanting to have a big family with me to nothing, he said I was nagging him and draining him.
There was a catalyst over him (detail removed by Moderator). Out of principal, because I was tired of picking up and cleaning for him and doing the weekly shop and all the washing and most of the cooking, I didn’t clean it out. I wanted him to do it, but he didn’t. The (detail removed by Moderator) for a few days before I asked him as calmly as I could if he could please clean up the mess and not leave it there. He just started saying no he won’t no he won’t do what I tell him. I’d had enough of speaking to a brick wall trying to get him to see how actually I was draining myself trying to keep on top of things as well as dealing with my own mental health due to the disintegration of our relationship and my dreams for the future. He had started telling me that I was too emotional and too sensitive so just as he started telling me he wasn’t going to clean the (detail removed by Moderator) I turned my face away because I could feel my emotions and my frustration rising. At this point, he said to me “(detail removed by Moderator)” and I just saw red and I lost control and lunged at him and with my balled fist I hit his hand. I knew I shouldn’t have done it and I felt absolutely disgusted with myself. He ended up moving out but said he didn’t want us to break up so we carried on limping through but things progressively got worse.
He starting refusing to stay at my house after he moved out because he didn’t like the neighbours and said he didn’t like the area so if I ever wanted to see him, it was all on me. I battled through, despite feeling it was unfair. He said that he had lived with me for (detail removed by Moderator) months so he didn’t feel like he needed to come to mine and we were uneven at the moment. When we would argue he would just not speak to me for days and if he was in the wrong I didn’t feel like I wanted to make the first move to patch things up but in the end I would be so desperate for him to speak to me that I would just have to give in and he would act like nothing had happened.

I was depressed after everything that had happened to us, but every time I tried to talk to him about it he would say that my mental health is nothing to do with him and my happiness is my own responsibility. When I tried to talk about my feelings and emotions and how what had been happening was making me depressed, he would say “(detail removed by Moderator)” and say that I shouldn’t put my mental health on him. He hounded me to speak to the doctor and take anti depressants. I knew I didn’t need anti depressants because it was my situation that made me depressed, not a chemical imbalance in my mind. I eventually did call the doctors because I began to feel suicidal. As any doctor would, they asked me how things were at home? I told them I had been having problems with my partner and the GP said it was situational, asked me about DA etc and told me that medication wasn’t the answer for me. When my partner asked me what the doctor said and I told him they would mot give me medication, he said “(detail removed by Moderator)” and told me to get a new doctor.

He has always been quite controlling with what I wear, I used to wear lovely summer dresses and I felt really nice before I met him, but then he would kick up a fuss if I had something on that was shorter than knee length. He even told me he thinks that women who wear red nail polish look desperate – I always wore (detail removed by Moderator) nail polish, so I felt like I couldn’t do it anymore. But when I saw his (detail removed by Moderator) wearing (detail removed by Moderator) nail polish, something inside me snapped and I felt like I would have mine (detail removed by Moderator) again.

When I would try and have a conversation with him about ways that he treated me or how to move the relationship forward, he always said I was starting an argument or nagging him. Every single time I tried to talk to him like a normal couple do, he just started shouting and going mad at me and then asking me am I thick or am I stupid and even once he asked me am I (detail removed by Moderator)? I was crying and he was stood over me calling me (detail removed by Moderator) repeatedly and asking me if I am (detail removed by Moderator).

(detail removed by Moderator), we had had a nice chilled weekend (detail removed by Moderator) and I was going to drop him off home before I went to work. But he went to my car and then came back and asked me if I have been on a date with someone? I was confused and said no of course not! So he asked me why I had (detail removed by Moderator)? They were just (detail removed by Moderator) which I had worn and then swapped out in my car (detail removed by Moderator). He starting saying that I shouldn’t be wearing (detail removed by Moderator) like that and if I had any morals or self respect then I wouldn’t wear them. We got in the car and carried on arguing and I said that he would never say these things to his (detail removed by Moderator) that he says to me or expect her to put up with this from anyone else so why does he think it’s ok to do it to me? He went mad and said I was disrespecting his (detail removed by Moderator) and don’t bring her into it – I even brought up the (detail removed by Moderator) nail polish and he said I was trying to say his (detail removed by Moderator) looked desperate. I said well no actually because I think (detail removed by Moderator) nail polish looks classy! You’re the one who said it looks desperate! He told me he was going to beat me up and beat my (detail removed by Moderator) up for bringing me into the world. I stopped the car and told him to get out but he wouldn’t get out. I felt sick that he had threatened to beat me up and my (detail removed by Moderator)!

He laughs at me when I cry, he calls me a baby for crying, he has said to me that if I want a partner who talks about feelings and emotions then I need to find someone else. He seems to have a chip on his shoulder that I own my house and he is always saying it will take him (detail removed by Moderator) years to catch up to me and calling me (detail removed by Moderator) which at first I didn’t think much of but then when he would ask me was I paying for this or that for him I started to feel a bit weird about him calling me that.

I had a (detail removed by Moderator) before who sadly passed away (detail removed by Moderator) and my partner didn’t like him. If he went to the shop for groceries, he would refuse to buy (detail removed by Moderator) food or any (detail removed by Moderator) thing I might have needed. It wound me up and I said I bet if his (detail removed by Moderator) asked him for (detail removed by Moderator) food he would buy it. He said he wouldn’t. He said he felt it was embarrassing to buy (detail removed by Moderator) food…. but then a few months later I was at his (detail removed by Moderator) house with him and he had been to the shop for her beforehand and he had picked up (detail removed by Moderator) food. I was really angry at him and I did confront him and I accused him of just trying to make my life difficult because he didn’t like my (detail removed by Moderator). Funny thing is, I have (detail removed by Moderator) now since my old one passed away and he likes these ones and he has bought (detail removed by Moderator) etc!

We went on holiday (detail removed by Moderator) and when we got to the airport I just had some leggings and a vest top on. He started telling me to cover up and put my (detail removed by Moderator) on because we were in a conservative country. He told me if I didn’t put my (detail removed by Moderator) on then I was doing this holiday alone. I didn’t put it on but that set a tone for the rest of the holiday. He said if he feels uncomfortable then I should do what he tells me to do.

We spent weeks bickering over (detail removed by Moderator) because he was repeatedly asking me not to wear make up and said it made him uncomfortable. I told him I was wearing the make up for me to feel nice but it caused problems for weeks on end with him constantly asking me not to wear any make up.

I once asked him why he keeps treating me like a piece of sh*t and he said because I was acting like one.

So much has happened that I can’t even really remember. It’s just constant – ignoring me for days then acting like nothing happened, insulting me, upsetting me with his actions and then getting mad at me for reacting to his disrespect.

I even started going to counselling because he said I needed to – I had told the counsellor what happened when I had lashed out at him and all the subsequent things that have happened and he told me that what he was doing was abusive.

I just feel confused really – how can it go from bickering about chores to this??

[SeekingAnswers123]

Just to add to the above, he knows what I went through in my last relationship and he has said to me that if it was so bad then why didn’t I just leave? He asks me inappropriate questions like “(detail removed by Moderator)” Or once he saw my ex (detail removed by Moderator) somewhere and came back and asked me why I have the same (detail removed by Moderator) as my ex? How am I supposed to know that?! I didn’t see my ex for (detail removed by Moderator) years!

Once we were arguing and I was sat on (detail removed by Moderator) on the floor and he was stood over me and he started throwing (detail removed by Moderator) over my head and then he said “(detail removed by Moderator)”. I told him that my ex once told me that (detail removed by Moderator) and then a few weeks later, he said the exact same thing to me and I felt sick to my stomach that he would let me tell him such personal things and then use them against me.

[Bananaboat]

Hello and welcome, gosh you’ve been through a lot and reading this I would say there’s lots of red flags of abuse here and definitely not a healthy, ‘normal’ relationship.

Unfortunately I’ve had two abusive partners and whilst many of the tricks & behaviours are the same, I didn’t realise my new partner was just as bad (actually worse in the end), as we see the good in people & they paint the image we want to see like saying they want to get married, have kids etc until you get to the point and they cruelly say no – Future faking. There’s lots of lovely people here to help, but just wanted to say it sounds like you’re in the right place here xx

[StrongLife]

A few sentences rang true including telling them personal things then using them against you.

Have you thought of personal counseling with someone in your local area?

[Author]

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