- This topic has 5 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 5 years ago by Anonymous.
3rd January 2016 at 8:15 am #7028AnonymousInactive
I read here a lot more then i post, mainly because i can’t get it into my head that what i am experiencing is abusive. But something has happened that is making me question everything and i need to let it out before my head explodes.
We took our children out to the park earlier this week and he was up on the play frame with them all. My eldest (removed by moderator) was going to walk down the stairs as she thought the slide was wet (it wasn’t but thats besides the point) but he decided he was going to make her go down the slide. It started out as fun, but she was screaming at him that she didnt want to get wet or go down the slide. She was screaming as she was cross and determined that she didnt want to – not half-laughing, half-cross as she is when she does really want to do something but is making out she doesnt want to – if that makes sense (as her mum i can tell and as her dad he should be able to as well). Anyway, he forced her down the slide and she was upset and ran off. She wasn’t hurt and it wasn’t done to hurt her physically. She didnt go out of sight but away from him. I told him at the time that he was wrong to have done it – she wasnt being naughty and he shouldn’t have forced her to do something she didnt want to. He thinks it wasn’t a big deal – it was just a slide and in his words ‘its all on her terms’. Sometimes she does enjoy playing a bit rough with him – they mock ‘beat him up’, climb all over him and play fight – but surely that doesnt mean that she has to do it when she doesnt want to? I calmed the situation down by giving her a hug and telling him he needs to leave her alone. He had the d**n cheek to ask me if i thought she was going to be starting her period soon as she was so moody and that she needed to lighten up – SHES A CHILD!!! He said that she needs to be like the others – who would have laughed (but they would have enjoyed being put down the slide whereas she didnt) and that she needs to tow the line! I will back him 100% if she is being a pain in the bum – but she wasn’t being naughty at all – in fact she was having lots of fun up until that point.
We were talking about it in the kitchen yesterday and he said that he was glad that i was there to defuse the situation as he hates her attitude. She can be hard work but she is a good kid and its her age more then anything else. I genuinely don’t think he would ever hurt her – he’s never been violent to me or them. He maintains that he did nothing wrong – i plainly told him that she shouldn’t be forced to do something that she didnt want to and that he was in the wrong not her – to which he told me he wishes he had a new wife.
I had to go out at that point on a false errand as i couldn’t hold back the tears.
Is this pattern going to start on my kids now? Or am i making too much of a little horseplay at the park? I don’t trust my instincts anymore – my family tell me he is controlling but he denies it and can be the sweetest thing. Im so confused – i just want to trust myself and know that i am doing the right thing – i won’t let him affect my babies!
3rd January 2016 at 9:40 am #7031TamraParticipant
Its really hard when our children are involved. I agree that she shouldnt have been forced down the slide, it was meant to be a fun time so i dont see why she should be forced to do something that makes her uncomfortable. You know them best and can see whether it’s control or not. You said you dont trust your instincts however you typed up what you were feeling so I think your instincts are bang on as you have gone with you gut and questioned what you saw and felt.
Him saying get a new wife thats just awful and to pull you back into line by putting the fear of god into to you that hes off so you can massage his ego and make him feel important again. What he could have done is listened to how you feel about what happened and gained an understanding of how his little girl felt too. Mine did that to me all the time -‘Ill get a new girlfriend and show you what a real relationship is like’its horrible and it used to make me feel rejected but I would go into over drive and beg and plead that we will be ok – thats no way to live a life thats meant to be love.
I dont know much about the control you have suffered but your family see behind his ‘sweet’ nature and its hard to face but deep down you know. Sit with your thoughts and feelings so you can get in touch again with your gut feeling, its there trust yourself.
lots of love
3rd January 2016 at 9:46 am #7032Falling SkysParticipant
Thank you for your brave post. You know your children better than any one and the realisation that you are seeing bullying behaviour is crushing. But its better than being in denial as I was.
Children can be cruel in play as they learn boundaries, sadly all your hard work will be undermined if you are still with your abuser. They will see learn behaviour, my son has a lot of abusive tendency, and my daughter keeps falling for abusive men. I thought I was the only one effected by their fathers abuse, now as they are adults I see the knock on effect.
If you have sure start in your are area they run some great groups on child development this may be of use and support to you. Don’t be afraid to get help xx
But you are doing the right thing monitoring the children at play, also don’t be hard on yourself you need to be strong to make him the lovely boy he was xx
3rd January 2016 at 4:43 pm #7062MarthamooParticipant
Hi Timetomoveon. Women who have lived in an abusive relationship for a while, either knowingly or not, slowly lose trust in their gut instinct. This is a product of being frequently undermined by our abuser. By being frequently questioned and made to justify our opinions and actions. By being frequently told that our interpretation of events is wrong (basically because it doesn’t agree to their’s). Once we stop listening to and trusting our gut instincts we are in trouble. We stop seeing things for what they are and we nearly drive ourselves mad trying to make sense of everything. All the while our gut instincts are screaming at us to see sense.
I had quite a lot of counselling a few years ago and this was one area we spent a lot of time working through. One phrase my counsellor said to me and which I still have to repeat to myself today is this. If is doesn’t smell right, taste right or feel right. IT ISN’T RIGHT. Our gut instincts are what keep us safe. It is easier said than done but try listen to your gut feelings and trust them. By doing so you will be being true to yourself and at the start of a journey to find inner peace xx
3rd January 2016 at 6:18 pm #7069KIP.Participant
It’s your self confidence that’s eroded with abuse. I may be well off the mark but my abuser just couldn’t stand to see me happy. Watch and see if he pulls the rug away next time you or someone you love is happy. Self esteem and self confidence are rock bottom, we question everything. What a difference when your out of an abusive relationship. Decisions are easy, confidence comes back. I don’t question my decisions now, there is no voice in my head planting doubt.
4th January 2016 at 7:49 am #7115AnonymousInactive
Thank you all so much ladies.
Marthamoo – so much of what you have said resonates with me and makes so much sense!
I had a long chat with my mum last night, albeit by email as she lives (detail removed by Moderator) miles away and she thinks that as he has lost some control over me as I see what he is doing and am resisting it (to a point) that he is trying to control the kids.
The park incident really was the first time that he has overstepped the mark like that, and I will be monitoring the situation very closely. I also plan to explain to my (age removed by Moderator) year old that no one – man or woman – should make her do things that she doesn’t want, that it’s not acceptable. I do not want her growing up thinking that it’s ok for a man to force her to do something she doesn’t want to just because he happens to be her dad/husband or whatever!
As for the rest of it – I still can’t get it into my head that he’s abusing me. There’s a lot of control and manipulation but I can’t make what he does equal abuse. I’m hoping that I will get there soon.
Thank you all so very much for listening to me.
Big love to you all x
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