Why don't they understand?

[Frankfurter]

Sorry, this is a bit of a weepy rant really, I need to get it out of my system and make sure I’m not loosing the plot. My current partner just doesn’t seem to understand that when he acts like my abuser it will upset me. He says he is having to pay for my history, but how much effort is it really to not come home stinking like beer and to let me know what time to expect him and update me when plans change? Isn’t that just courtesy that anybody would extend to the people who care about them??? He doesn’t seem to be able to accept that when he inadvertently scares me, he needs to try to alter his behaviour so that I can turn off my fight or flight mechanism? I’m not being unreasonable am I?

[KIP.]

Hi, no you’re not being unreasonable if you were in an equal loving partnership. Sadly abusers enjoy causing us pain and chaos and often set us up to cause an argument, then use that as a means to further abuse us. The sad part is he’s enjoying hurting you. He chooses to behave this way. It makes him feel good. He won’t change and abuse always gets worse. Try to get in touch with women’s aid. Ring the helpline on here and have a chat x

[diymum@1]

hi there , id say yeh your being reasonable but it depends on what type of new guy you have? some men hate feeling like theyre checking in with you – my partner is like that xx i dont think they do understand though i honestly think they have to stand in our shoes to have real empathy. i wish i could say different but thats what i honestly feel. i try to explain at times where my anxietys come from and sometimes he gets it other times he thinks im being insecure or being silly xx not sure if that helps xx

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there, no you’re not being unreasonable. It’s a bit of a red flag really. You’ve told him what it does to you and yet he continues to carry on regardless. It’s a cop out saying you’re treating him like he’s your ex, NO, he IS behaving like your ex, and he’s going to become an ex if he doesnt listen and learn to be a little bit more respectful.
I hope he listens to you, but it sounds as if he’s not prepared to take responsibility for his actions. 😏
It could be that it’s all bravado in front of his mates, you know the kind of thing, oh you’re under the thumb, we know who wears the trousers in your relationship. It’s all bull, but unless he’s prepared to stand up for you and let his friends know he respects you(I could be way off the mark with this)and he’s prepared to be educated on what constitutes as abusive behaviour and not just being thoughtless or a bloke and you’ll not tell me what to do rubbish.
I do hope it works out, but you do deserve more respect than what he is giving you.
Best wishes IWMB 💕💕

[Frankfurter]

DIYmum: I do get what you mean about checking in, but it’s not like that. If he has told me he’s due back at 12, I would like to know if he won’t be here for hours after that. If he says he’s”popping out” somewhere, I would like to know if that’s going to be all day. Does that make sense? It’s very unsettling when you have planned things out and somebody just isn’t around, won’t tell you where they are or roughly when they’re coming back. It’s particularly galling because he’s 100% reliable for everyone else.

[Tiffany]

That he is 100% reliable for others but not for you is a huge red flag. It tells you loud and clear that he doesn’t care enough to treat you with the same respect as he does everyone else.

It was one I found really confusing when I was with my abuser. He was kind and caring to all his other friends, so in my head he was a kind and caring person. But he wasn’t kind and caring to me
I thought if only I could make him understand how upsetting I found his behaviour then he would change. It took me years to figure out that he knew how much he was upsetting me, and did it on purpose for kicks. Your punctual expect for you partner sounds the same. I am really sorry, but I would be getting out of there fast.

A nice guy would not do this to you.

[Frankfurter]

IWMB: you know, I wish it was bravado in front of the mates, I know how to deal with that. It’s not like he’s out with mates, he just shouts and storms off. That’s what I’m asking him to stop doing. Apparently, I am expected to control my emotional fear response but he cannot possibly be expected to try not to yell at me and the kids 🙄 it sounds utterly ridiculous saying it like that. I’m asking to be treated like I matter instead of an inconvenience.

[Iwantmeback]

Ahh, the old you have to change but there’s nothing wrong with me. What is it with arrogant, aggressive, angry men?
I remember reading some of your posts from when I first started posting last year. He’s not going to change is he, he has the perfect reason going on his head, you’re treating him like your ex so he’s a right to get angry with you. It’s so sad how predictable they all are.
Take care sweetheart, you know where this is going, it’s just having to go through it all again😔
Best wishes IWMB 💕💕

[Frankfurter]

Thanks IWMB, it’s just very difficult to balance in my head, you know? Everyone blamed and abandoned me last time, there’s a lot at stake.

[Iwantmeback]

I know Frankfurter. Could you try making your boundaries known and follow through with consequences for his addictions. We know they hate being told no, and being stood up to. Good luck sweetheart, you really do deserve to be treated better. 💜💛💞

[Iwantmeback]

Actions not addictions.

[fizzylem]

Hey F, if its not ok for you then its not ok is it. You’re trying to communicate that you would just like to know when you can expect him home and that maybe drinking in the pub too often is not great for either one of you. I would be exactly the same – this wouldn’t work for me either.

I have a friend whose partner goes to the pub every day and she seems to just accept she’ll see him when she sees him. She’s knows it will be early evening, she also knows where he will be if she needs him if he’s any later – it appears from the outside to not be a problem – I do know she does discuss her concerns with him regarding his health now and then but that is it – guess they’d be arguing everyday otherwise. She says that he works hard so if he fancies a drink then fine.

However, I see it very differently, I see that he is actually in the pub everyday from lunchtime, that he tells her he’s working or helping someone out when clearly he is not, I see her stress when trying to juggle childcare and work committments – while he ‘cant help because I’m working’. I see her pain and inner turmoil when the IVF fails again – doesn’t alcohol reduce a man’s sperm count? I see them struggle financially, they rarely take a family holiday or do that much together just the three of them, as apparently they dont have the money – I wonder about all the fabulous places they could go if he wasn’t spending £200 a week in the pub – could be more, but must be at least this amount – and earning more income in the afternoon as well – this would be a substantial amount – real lifestyle changing.

I see he has become a master in deceit in his own house so that he can drink, but that over the years this has also led him into thinking he can get away with having affairs – because she’ll never find out and even if she did, she would believe whatever he says, that all he needs to do is tell her what she wants to hear – seems to work as she has never found out. I see one lie after another and yet she appears content. I sometimes wonder how she would feel if she ever discovered the truth.

There is no real honesty in this relationship, this is not what I’d want or how I’d like to live – how about you? x

[diymum@1]

sorry checking in maybe came over in the wrong way – i think i always worry im going to come across as controlling with my partner – im probably being soft – my granny said men are decievers ever i think she was probably right xx in this case if hes shirking his responsibilities then no thats not on love diymum xx

[Fudgecake]

Hello,
I agree with what has been said previously. And speaking from experience, not knowing when they are coming or even if they are coming home leaves you in a constant state of anxiety and over time this wears you down. Plus, when you don’t know what/when/if they are turning up then you can’t get on with your life eg going out to a club, see family or friends or even go for a walk. I think it’s done by design to control you and keep you trapped in the house. If he cares so little for your feelings about this, then that’s a red flag to me.

[EbonyRaven]

He shouts (in front of and at children), storms off and refuses to say where he is or when he he’ll be back, returning drunk and getting angry and blaming if called on his behaviour?

Please don’t worry about what other people might think of you if you end this relationship. Don’t stay with him out of some sort of misplaced ‘shame’. Be proud that you recognised the harmful behaviour and dealt with it.

Those flags are way too red for comfort.

[Gemma]

Hi, what EbonyRaven just said about the shouting, ranting at you in front of the kids, was what jumped out at me too. It’s totally over the top, rude and disrespectful. Your not getting upset at this behaviour because if your ex. Anyone, would be hurt and upset by it, because it’s horrible. There is no excuse for it. However what he is doing is manipulating you, by saying it’s your past experiences making you over react. That’s utter rubbish.

This is a red flag situation, full stop. The only positive I have been able to take from my past experience in a coercive abusive relationship …is lessons learned, the hard way. First sign of a red flag and I am out of that situation. I was fortunate, in that my ex and I had no children together. But your kids have been through enough. So if not for you, think of them. If you have boys. It’s not ok for men to treat a woman this way. Definitely no shouting and ranting. If you have girls. Show them you won’t be disrespected by a man or anyone. I haven’t been in a relationship since I split from my ex. It’s nearly a year. And to be honest, I don’t know if I ever will be. First time in my life I have lived alone, and in the beginning it was hard and scary. Yes, financially the onus is all on me. But I would rather that and live free od fear, or of having to ask someone permission to do anything.. it’s worth it a million times over. Don’t go down that road again sweetheart, you are worthy of so much more. Don’t settle for anything less,

Love
Gemma

[Author]

Posts