Why has he done this to me?

[Distraught]

I’m so distraught. I have now said after (detail removed by moderator) years that Iv had enough. He’s emotionally abusive and Iv known for years. I don’t socialise as much as I’d like and the once every 2 months I do, he has something to moan before I go out and pesters me when I’m out and then makes me feel guilty or moans at me for something I haven’t done after. Sometimes I think it’s not that bad and other times I hate him. We have now told our children and yet again I’m wondering if it’s the right thing. I cry daily and obviously it’s upsetting my 4 children. I sometimes think why has he done this to me and I think that’s whats upset me the most. I’m starting to feel ill, tired and sick and struggling to function. I have less patience with the kids and feel like I should just walk out on all of them. I’m feeling like I have anxiety and the idea of me moving house and leaving him is so scary. I want to just have a life, have friends, laugh and be happy. He doesn’t have friends or family he’s bothered about so therefore he thinks I shouldn’t bother either. When we’re together we don’t hardly argue and my friends say Iv just adapted to how he wants me to be and Iv become stronger over the years. He doesn’t like that. I don’t know why I’m so upset when Iv already told him we’re finished. He’s started telling kids (detail removed by moderator). Maybe it’s his way of psychologically getting me to stay. (detail removed by moderator) and many things he promises never happen. How do I stay strong and stop feeling so upset.

[KIP.]

Hi, google the cycle of abuse. It’s totally confusing dealing with an abusers. The mind games they play leave us with little headspace to think clearly. Ring the helpline number on here and find your local women’s aid. They can explain the dynamics of abusers and abusive relationships. There is a good book called Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. He wants to isolate you so if he causes enough disruption every time you go out, eventually you will stop going out. It’s a control tactic abusers use. You need to see a solicitor and see where you stand financially. Get all your ducks in a row. He’s going nowhere. The amount of times I thought I’d ended my marriage and my abuser just carried on like nothing had happened. Or twisted his way out of it. Broke promises etc. It will be upto you to find the strength to put distance between you. Seek help from women’s aid. It’s very hard to break free alone x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi distraught, welcome to the forum, you’ll start strong because because you are.You’re an amazing woman, you have 4 children. You live them to bits but he’s sucking the life out of you leaning you wirth no energy to love and care fir your children. Mine have left(because of him), but I’m finding notice no patience with my dogs, it’s not the same i know, but it is. It’s such early days just now. Be kind to yourself. when i first admitted to myself i no longer wanted to be in this position/ relationship anymore, I literally spent weeks lying on the couch with the covers over my head, I couldn’t eat properly, went off tea and coffee, I’ve never felt that low in my life, I couldn’t even do basic self care(washing, brushing my teeth) I looked like the proverbial bag lady. I dont now, but it’s taken a while to get this far. I’m not 100%. I too still live with my oh and am planning to leave.
By promising the children these things, he’s hoovering them in to get to you. I waited over a decade to get my garden done, plus other jobs that needed done around the house. Why did he do them now, because I’d literally Said a few months ago that I couldn’t talk to him was afraid of his temper etc etc. That’s when he started hoovering me in.. if it wasn’t fir this forum id probably have rolled over, put his moods down to something else and unknowingly set myself up for the next fallout. I’ve been planning my escape for a while now, spoken to my doctor, WA, their solicitor, I’m saving money up, I’m on the housing list, have extra points because of the situation, plus I know I’ll get emergency housing if he becomes violent or the situation becomes more intolerable. I’m also swithering about lodging his behaviour with the police, too afraid they’ll see him a danger and speak to him or worse.
They notice. when they’re losing their control, that’s when their behaviour changes. Be safe, keep posting and reading others posts. Knowledge is power

IWMB 💕💕

[Distraught]

Hi, thank you for the replies. I contacted WA (detail removed by moderator) years ago and say a solicitor then in which I was told I would get everything. He still tries to say that he is entitled to certain things which annoys me because I know it’s rubbish. Even though we’re splitting he still manages to accuse me and question where I am and why I’m late etc. My response is I was chatting. I’m trying to look forward now but with so many housing obstacles in the way it’s hard. If I had somewhere we could go today I would. The funny thing is the amount of lies he tells to try make me stay. I don’t understand how he can get angry with me for something I haven’t done wrong like drinking all of his pop (there’s another bottle in the fridge) plus I hadn’t actually drank any lol. Stupid I know. The latest Iv found out is some made up lies about my friends to make them seem less of friends or tarnish them so I don’t see them. These are some extreme stories about them. He’s never spoke to them and now he appears to know more about them than me. I’m trying to take a day at a time.

[Distraught]

Also I don’t understand why he doesn’t realise how hurtful he is. I ask him to change and he says I can’t because I’m never going to stop worrying about you. Then I think oh maybe he is just worried but then it doesn’t change everything else he does.

[KIP.]

He absolutely knows how hurtful he is. He simply doesn’t care. Everybody has a choice in how they behave. They have control over the choices they make. And he chooses to abuse you.

[Iwantmeback]

My oh too says how much he worries about me,how I dont understand how men work, how I’m so naive I dont realise when I’m being lured into a situation. it would be sweet, if I didn’t feel he was trying to control me and my movements. I know he’d turn around and say, that he doesnt stop me going out, cos he doesnt, he really doesn’t actually say that, but as you know it’s what you come home to. The long dirty look as you come in the door, the silent treatment, or am I getting something to eat, im Starving. yet theres no crisps left(he accuses me of eating them all too, i dont, i very rarely eat crisps)and he’s had Icecream and plenty of biscuits. I literally come in and automatically go straight into the kitchen, put the kettle on and will make him something, all before even taking my coat off, in order to prevent a stoorie.
My oh has said things about friends and family to, thing is he’s usually right, which doesn’t help. So logically you can’t argue with him because they are needy, use me or wherever, but who isn’t. As long as they don’t control me and make me feel bad about myself what is wrong with helping/seeing them. Because it takes us away from him, he’s not getting all our attention. I spent nearly 3 hours with my parents on Christmas night, because he refused to come in and I’m no longer not seeing them, cos he’ll miss me be lonely or whatever pathetic reason he tries to use in order for me to stay with him. He actually said (detail removed by moderator).
In a normal relationship you would have no problem saying I’m going out, don’t know when I’ll be back see you later. In ours, it’s like a military operation and if you’re 5 minutes over getting back, you’re obviously seeing someone else, having too much fun without him. When I do go out I’m constantly clock watching. I used to believe it was because I was too old to be out and as a married woman should be at home with my husband instead of with friends. I now realise I was constantly watching the clock cos I knew to the minute how long I was being allowed out for and knew to get home early to stop an arguement. And everytime I was told, why are you home so early!! yet the opposite would have happened if as I said I’d been minutes over a respectable time to be out. I’m planning on starting to tell him that I’ve seen my daughter more and more during the day, I’m not prepared to not see her anymore but want to test his reaction to me saying I am, if that makes sense.
It’s a case of taking this day by day, it’s the hardest relationship I’ve ever tried to finish because I’m so scared of the aftermath. I despair sometimes I really do
IWMB 💕💕

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