Why I feel confused?

[Hopefulsoul]

My story may well be similar to others, but I can not explain how I continue to feel confused and unsure. I feel im loosing my ability to see reality. I have been married for many years to a man who is well know locally and far beyond. He is very well respected, has a large SM following and is excellent in his work and charitable links. Although I can look back now more honestly and highlight a number of red flags from the start, we did, on the whole, have many more positive experiences and shared three children together. He regularly told me he loved me, and that no one worked harder than me at home. He said that as he became more successful, I would be able to reduce my working hours.
As years went on the man at home increasingly became at odds to the person outside. The rages at our teenagers increased, the continued lack of financial transparency, the spending (yet telling me how stressed he was about money), the lack of any real help at home or with the children. The more he earned (very significant pay at day job plus multiple buisnesses) the more I was having to work full time to cover my bills for the family (detail removed by moderator) He could be very generous spontaneously, but often related to the aftermath of poor behaviour.
This accumulated a few years ago in him talking about suicidal thoughts to me, in addition to how i wasn’t giving him enough intimacy. I discuss help and support strategies for his dark thoughts, but he didn’t acknowledge them. He then went on several days later to accuse me of an affair (I have been fully devoted to him) and continued to demean and belittle every aspect of me and my life. It was like a shock of electricity. I questioned myself and why I put up with this life for me abd the kids. I realised for the first time I was frightened of him. He never laid a finger on me. He boasts about how proud he is of that. I felt ashamed of how i didn’t stand up for my older children when he erupted over small errors. I had spent time trying to understand the link to his behaviours and childhood trauma. I thought we could get help together.
He deteriorated, and I gently confronted him about the effects of his behaviours on the children and me. He reacted very badly. I spent the next several months navigating his unpredictable and challenging behaviour, whilst his external person only increased in attention and adoration. He told our eldest two children he wanted to kill himself (detail removed by moderator). My youngest is so confused. They see bad behaviours, however he treats them as special and very rarely with poor behaviour. They is yet to move into the teenagers years, when he struggles to regulate his behaviours.
I have now become the villan in his story, and he blames me for everything. I have had to learn to un-love him. He has spent a year talking about moving out and this is finally happening. He now wants the children 50%, yet has never done any of the basic care. This really only involves my youngest. My eldest will spend some time with him I’m sure, my other teen will refuse to go. They do not want to say till he’s gone. I worry about my youngest. How will he suddenly cook, clean, wash clothes, and change his emotional and controlling behavuours. If I talk about this publicly, who will believe me? When I hear other stories, I find I lessen my concerns not find strength.
What I do know is that when I am at work, or when he is working away, i feel the strong, intelligent women I know I am. Yet I return to a servant at home, and don’t feel capable of asserting myself with mine and my childrens needs. I worry this will continue when he leaves, and I will nit be there to protect my child. Thanks for listening.

[Bananaboat]

Welcome and so sorry to read your story, there’s definitely a lot of common behaviours and signs of abuse there. Many of us have researched multiple reasons and help options before finding ourselves here.

Abusers value their image and it’s likely he’ll protect that and make you into the villain. Pick your battles, if people chose to believe his poison, let them, they’re not your people. You got to look after you and the kids, forget what the community think.

Abusers will want to ‘win’ as they think they’re better than us, and everyone else so get yourself some advice from a lawyer experienced in abuse and try to avoid getting into arguments with him directly where you can. Keep a journal, store important documents away from where he can get them or take copies if not safe to move them etc. Re the kids, it’s common for them to have a golden child which might be your youngest, it’s a bit like lovebombing but with their child rather than a new woman and feeds their image ultimately.

Just because he hadn’t cooked and cleaned doesn’t mean he can’t, but it is hard whether in abuse or a normal separation to lose time with your child. That said if there’s safeguarding concerns you can get help via your school or social services. Telling the kids he’s suicidal and it’s because of you sounds like emotional abuse. Not to worry you but you might find he’ll have a new woman quickly as they need that supply.

I’ll let the others give you lots more amazing thoughts & advice but just wanted to say hi and welcome. You’re not alone xx

[Hopefulsoul]

Thanks for taking the time to reply Bananaboat. I think this way of life has become so normal for me a that I really struggle to consistently call it abusive. I have woken up to the impact it has had on my older children, and i don’t want to make the same mistakes for my youngest.
He certainly seems to be definitely moving out soon, so I see that as a positive for all of us.
I agree that if not already, there will be a new women on the scene. I am genuinely ok with that now. I almost hope that another women will become his focus, and I can simply step away and take care of the kids. I don’t believe it will be that easy. He has started to accuse me of alienating him from the kids and that he had a specialist loyal to deal with that. How much is true I don’t know. I try to remain focused on me and the kids best interests. Is he a risk to my youngest? Psychologically yes, but I’m not sure that will make a difference in going to mediation and seeking the best for the youngest. Do I just continue to agree his 50/50 and see how it pans out? That doesn’t feel right. I need to find a good solicitor. He has declined me using the only firm I knew, (detail removed by Moderator). If there are any suggestions for who I should speak to or where to find help. I’d be very grateful.

[minimeerkat]

i agree. if you havent already, make contact with your local da service as they can put you onto a solicitor experienced in domestic abuse which really does make all the difference (mine was wonderful, went above & beyond)
theres also the rights of women website who offer free legal advice, its run by solicitors & may be another place for you to try x

[Hereforhelp]

Hi, I didn’t want to read and run….
You sound like you have lost a lot of your confidence because of your husband’s continued abusive behaviours… I was also married for many many years, during those years over time the drip drip of put downs, accusations of flirting, him demanding intimacy even though he knew I didn’t want to…intimidated me and our children (teens now and thankfully both do not want contact with their father) …

I woukd suggest going to different DA experienced solictors for a free 30 min consultation… and do not tell your husband if you do…thus is for you and your children’s future… you are welcome to PM me as there are lots of similarities.. my husband is a high earning business man, known in certain areas for being a stand up good guy!!

Also, do not trust a word your husband says to you as at thus stage all gloves are off..

The suicide threat is so common… mine said it to me and ‘acted’ really depressed (along with pretending to cry)…

This is not on you, reading your post you have been trying to help/support him through his down times…

Be kind to yourself and reach out whenever you need/can on here or the women’s aid chat
HFH ❤️

[Camel]

Although you say your husband is planning on moving out, you don’t actually say he’s planning a divorce. All his talk of legal advice, alienation and custody arrangements are meaningless until such time as divorce papers are served. Moving out doesn’t free him from his financial obligations either.

I believe that you will feel less confused once you take back control.

Get independent legal advice, preferably someone who understands the dynamics of abuse.

Get strong financial advice too. Your husband may have got rich by keeping you poor whilst married, not so once divorced. Gather evidence – income, pensions, savings, bank accounts, credit cards, debts and loans. If you can’t find it, don’t worry, he will be obligated to reveal everything if you make the division of assets part of divorce proceedings.

As for your concerns re. how he’s unequipped to care for your youngest, I’d suggest trying not to worry too much about something that’s way off in the future. I expect it’s all talk but when he brings up childcare be non-comital and reasonable. Agree to share, he’s their father, like it or not. You can go to court later, if you have genuine concerns and evidence of neglect.

Whatever you do, don’t get sidetracked by obstacles he puts in your way. And don’t allow him to take the lead. Do what you need to do to keep the peace but take control. Quietly and secretly.

[Hopefulsoul]

Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate it. I agree, he is a survivor. I am stuck still putting his ferlings and needs first.
I need to find the right help. Thanks again.

[Hopefulsoul]

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I need to talk to DA services abd another experienced solicitor. I have loss confidence and perspective. That is why I have stayed for so long I think.

[swanlake]

Sadly our abusers want power and control and in order to keep that they confuse and lie to us. My abuser is apparently suicidal and has physical health problems and a failing business. I now know that these are just lies. I’ve had several years of no contact and they are still alive with an existing business.

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