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I have posted several times before, but I am still struggling and feel my friends and family don’t understand…they think because we aren’t together anymore and that he isn’t bothering me as much – although is still controlling, all the child contact is arranged by him, he won’t even tell me when he is dropping back so I have to sit in and wait for him, he refuses to pay maintenance, and dictates what and when he does things with my eldest, as well as when he can and can’t see the younger one.
I have been left virtually homeless because of his controlling behaviour, his abuse continues vile emails one minute calling me all the hideous names under the sun and then asking to be civil for the sake of the children in the next….he has found a new partner and his happy looking forward to his future, whilst I am dealing with the aftermath of his chaotic financial mess and abuse. How can he not suffer, why can he be happy and me not, he made my life hell for years and now just skips away leaving such hideous scars..
As i have said he has lost his children their home, yet is setting up a new one with no thought for them, no doubt he will have a lovely house with his new partner, she will have children, they will be financially secure and happy whilst I will be left with nothing but bitterness and anger – I really don’t want to be like that but I don’t know who to get better, not bitter….The GP has prescribed me some antidepressants which I have started taking but feel woozy and foggy I have read the possible side affects….most people taking them have experienced weight gain..so not only will I be (Detail removed by Moderator), ugly, homeless, bitter, resentful, lonely and sad I will also be overweight and with a brain fog!!
Why oh why can’t I move on…..people say but you are out of it, be thankful you aren’t in the abusive relationship anymore, he’s moved on, yes but I am still in it, he throws in my face how happy he is, shows the kids his holiday snaps, talks to them about all the exciting things he is doing, whilst calling me a sl@g and a c'”t….he is controlling how I feel because I am dealing with this mess, the mess he created how the hell do I get to that happy place……
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Please try keep all they horrible emails, and phone the police. It was the best thing i ever did and it seemed to give him enough of a fright that i havent heard anything since. I know how you feel when u say he doesnt say when hes dropping them off, my ex doesnt even say if hes getting my son until the morning of, obviously so i cant make any plans. The brain fog goes away after a little while and i havent experienced any weight gain from antidepressants.
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I think you need to get a contact order in place and get the child support agency involved. Have zero contact with him. He’s only happy when he can use you as a verbal punch bag. He gets a huge thrill from controlling you. Absolute zero contact. These men are never happy. Happy people don’t call the monther of their children those awful names which is insulting and illegal. That’s harassment and if I was you i would take advice on a non molestation order. Ring the helpline on here for advice. While you have contact with him he will drain you. They are emotional vampires. They need to suck pleasure from others to thrive. Don’t give him the opportunity. Zero contact is very painful for these men yet it’s our triumph. Our way to say that I know what you are and you are not worthy of being in my life. You are nothing to me. You are not welcome.
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if I do that we won’t pay and I rely on that money, I just don’t know how to get over the thing that he is happy and I have nothing, am far from happy and am in the midst of loosing everything because of him, I really don’t know..he doesn’t message me that often but when he does its either just telling me whats happening or abuse nothing else…I just want to shout at him but he won’t get it, he doesn’t think he has done anything wrong, think he is in his right to behave like he does. I hate him for what he has turned me into a mess on antidepressants. He has won
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he doesn’t care if I don’t have any contact with him, he doesn’t want me to contact him, he has blocked me from all forms of contact expect email, which is what he uses to arrange pick up in two word emails, but refuses to let me know when he is dropping off. If I don’t behave in a certain way he refuses to pay, he can do what he likes, go out when he likes, spend what he likes, has a home. I am ugly, useless, miserable and a failure, I can’t even pull myself together that’s how c’@p I am…
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Your not a failure…your away from him, that is an absolute triumph!!! If you set something up with child support then he wont have any choice but to pay you, he legally has to. I know everyone on here says this but things really do start to get better. You have to try push yourself though, go out, get your hair or nails done, go for walks, all these things really helped me feel better about myself. Unfortunately i then got involved with another horrible man and now i need to start over and do exactly what i did after i left my ex, which was to pick myself up and start again
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Why do these men get away with this! It leaves such a scar on us maybe because we actually have a sense of reality. They on the other hand think its okay to treat us like dirt because they think they can. Sorry I am in angry mode today. I understand your fog and often I have felt like giving up. Some times you have to play their long game. You will get there. He does need to contribute financially (legally) he cant hold that over you, that’s just a tactic to stop you standing up for yourself. It takes a long time to do that. You will get there though I promise. xx
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Thanks for your kind words x*x I have nothing, my children will have no home because of his financial abuse, as you know it’s so b****y hard picking yourself up when you’ve been battered by abuse and control. My confidence is at zero and he’s won,it seems so unfair. I’m a mess mentally and physically because of him and this situation, I honestly don’t know how I can pick myself up, I have friends but don’t want to go out in case I see him and her, had my hair done and looked in the mirror and saw this sad, old, bitter woman looking back with lines and eye bags the size of suitcases….I am sure I will get there but it’s taking so blinking long
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It takes time, good days and bad days but at least your able to vent here. When you have people who understand and have stood in and are standing in your shoes, that helps 🙂
I could cry reading some of these posts because although im trying to understand why these men behave like this towards us. I just don’t comprehend how someone could be so cruel to another person. Angry and frustrated! Grr Anyway here to listen. Sending you a hug xx
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no he will have his day and yes I often had those thoughts. We are only human but at least we are good people who would never treat other people like this! xx your better than that x
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I think youd be surprised to find he probably dosent treat the new woman very well. My ex trapped the girl he met after me and terrified her! They don’t change sometimes it takes time to come out but believe me he will do exactly the same to her in the end. Its taken me years and im still not over all of this. I have nightmares that hes chasing me and when I wake it feels so real that it affects my whole day. The question is do we let them destroy us? or keep up the good fight keep your head held high because your not in the wrong here xx 🙂
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I can totally relate to how you feel. It’s been (Detail removed by Moderator) since my ex discarded me, he was on with someone els within weeks. Even though I knew how he’d treated me was wrong,it was hell to know how happy and perfect his life was. It’s still difficult now. The less contact you have the better. I know that’s not always easy when we share children and homes etc but if there’s any way to minimise contact then do it.
I’m also not sure if my ex abuses his current partner but I know he abused many women before me so I don’t know what I or anyone could do to stop it.
It really seems impossible to believe you can feel better in the start but I promise you will. Just keep posting on here. Reading books and try to be kind to yourself!! Xx -
it’s my anger that’s bad at the minute, he seems to be getting away not just with the abuse but also this financial mess, he is bankrupt and has lost our home, yet walks away leaving me to sort it out even after years of name calling and threats….part of me wants to tell his new much younger girlfriend what she’s letting herself in for, I don’t want to be bitter and angry anymore, I want to be happy, not have the constant financial stress, I want to be carefree and full of joy but just don’t know how to get there…
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I decided that you know what? he’s not my problem anymore. At the end of the day he wont change and that’s his responsibility. Focus on your children and yourself. Im was trying to piece together why all of this has happened, but ive decided why? Whats done is done I cant change the past but I can change the future. Its time to enjoy life as much as we can. Im determined that he wont destroy my life any more than he already has now xx we can only learn, try to pick ourselves up and live day to day the best we can 🙂 xx
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