Why is he acting like normal?

[siba]

My husband knows that he’s been emotionally abusive as we’ve had counselling where it all came out. However since the session he’s acting like normal and i’m finding it really weird. He hasn’t sat down with me or apologised (he did in the session), he’s creeping around a little bit like now he’s the one walking on eggshells for a change, we’re acting like housemates (no affection and separate bedrooms), and it’s like he’s thinking that i’ll just get over it and things will go back to normal.

[KIP.]

This is what they do. It’s a form of gaslighting. It sends us into a tailspin. My ex did the same. Even after a brutal verbal assault or physical assault he’d act like nothing happened. Normalise it and eventually I did too because of the abuse. It’s very hard to deal with and is crazy making behaviour. Even if you sit down and try to discuss it he will turn it all round on you and you will be left confused and dazed.

[KIP.]

It’s simply more emotional abuse. Just a different kind this time. He won’t change. Abuse always gets worse x

[savingthestars]

Yea. I agree with KIP. My ex did the same. Its like they want you to question it. If he is suddenly normal, you will almost certainly feel comfortable enough to get closer, or question why he is not being outwardly abusive. I’ve even had the thought of asking my abusive ex, as he is more rational now can we sort things out, he has indicated he has changed and wouldn’t mind being friends, but experience tells me if I did that he would just go back to the way he was before.

[maddog]

You are doing so well in naming his behaviour as abuse. Please if you haven’t already, get real life support in place. These people lie through their teeth. They can’t do anything else and there’s no point in trying to get your point across. It won’t happen. Abusers are very predictable and not so special after all. Abusers live in a false reality based on emotion, not evidence. Words and actions don’t match.

KIP is absolutely right that abusers don’t change and they get worse. Their behaviour is the same as other addicts. They need their fix. As you begin to understand this they become more desperate. There are masses of people to hold your hand both in real life and here on the rocky road ahead.

[Wibbles]

My husband is the same, we’ll have a row, he’ll sulk for a few days then act like nothing happened. Throughout our whole relationship I don’t think he ever apologised or accepted his behaviour was unacceptable.
Why didn’t I see it earlier!!

[Author]

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