why is he being so nice?

[PhoenixBlue]

So after my husband drinking again and saying it’s all my fault and upsetting my daughter….I had had enough and was waiting for my time to end our marriage.
I told him how I felt, and now suddenly he is doing and saying all the things I have been going on about for the last year!!

(detail removed by moderator) we went to counselling together (detail removed by moderator)
He said he was never going to drink again, that he could see his behaviour has been wrong.

Did this make me happy? NO!! I was fuming!

I hadn’t realised how angry I was, because of what he’s put the children through. I’ve been banging on and on about his behaviour and I’ve only ever had abuse or a 3.5 argument that never gets resolved.

So yes I was fuming and I still am! Today I feel like I’m going crazy.

I can’t figure out why I’m so miserable, is it because of him and his behaviour or is it me?

Why has he suddenly changed? He’s being so nice and supportive!! It’s driving me crazy! I want him to be horrible so I can get out and escape and now he’s being a changed man I’m so confused!!

I should be happy but I’m miserable!!

I don’t know what to do! I feel like I’m going to break and go crazy!!

[PhoenixBlue]

Am I pushing him away because of my mental health? I’m so low I am not coping.

Am I the problem? I know he has been abusive but this point we are at now I feel almost as though I am now abusing him by bringing up the past.

He’s asking me to stop punishing him by being distant but I can’t help how I feel?? I don’t know what I want and it’s scary.

I said to him last night when he told me I was bringing up the past, I said ‘at least I never called you a low life, or said you didn’t deserve your Christmas presents?’

Is that abusive? I’m just so angry with him

Angry for what he’s done and how he’s behaving now!

I’m not perfect I hurt him when I had the affair and left him, but he was abusive first.

Am I being as bad by bringing up the past now? What if I can’t let it go??

I hate myself and I wake up every morning wishing I was someone else!!

[KIP.]

Google the cycle of abuse in domestic abuse. He senses you want out so he’s playing happy families. Giving you what you want to stop you from leaving. You’re miserable because he’s taken the power back and you’re not getting your excuse to escape. The thing is that you do not need an excuse. You’re miserable, unhappy, depressed because of his behaviour. He won’t change. He will revert to his abusive ways again once he hooks you back in.

[godschild]

Agree with that , he is just trying to got hook you back in, mine often has said in the past when he does not want to hear the truth, the past wounds and we need to speak of it,they just want it all shoved under the carpet.
You cant just let it go , you are seeing what he has done ,I keep having times like this the anger is so much as you have bottled it up for so long, he is just trying to shut you up and get off the hook,lundy bancroft says if they are really changed they will listen to how you feel about what they have done,however you express it, its because of the abuse you are talking about the past, it does not make you the abuser.
He would have said what he thought you wanted to hear last night in front of the councelor, they all do it, but there will be no substance in it, it takes years to change even if they work hard at it, he will be off again , mark my words, ive seen it here so so many times for decades. He is using the councelling to manipulate the situation, the feelingyou have can be very intense, im going through a patch of it now but it will make you stronger in the end the feelings have to come out and be expressed, keep posting and get validation of how you feel from those who havebeen through it and still are xxxxx

[anna]

Hi both the previous posters are totally correct. Your husband is doing 100% typical abusive behaviour. Its called Hoovering and is part of the cycle of abuse. Basically you tell your husband you want to leave. He realises he is about to lose you. ( don’t take this to mean he loves you and is sorry Thats what we want it to mean) What it actually means is him thinking, ‘oh wife is on to me, better behave and tell her everything she wants to hear, otherwise she will go and I will no longer be able to have power over her and abuse her.
As you noticed all the things he was saying was things you have been asking him to do like stop drinking. So no surprise those are the things he tells you he is going to do. If you had told him previously that you wanted him to to go to AA 12 step fellowship to quit drinking he would be rushing around now googling when the next meeting was!
But what you have to remember is actions speak louder than words. We can all talk the talk but for real change to happen we have to want it and take action. We have to walk the walk. There is a little saying, There are 3 frogs sitting on a log and one decides to jump off, how many are left sitting on the log? three because the frog only made a decision to jump! ( and in your husbands case he probably has not even
made the decision, he is just pretending to manipulate you) Also its important to remember that people drinking to much does not cause them to abuse it may or may not influence their behaviour but the bottom line is I have never seen a bottle of beer fly off the supermarket shelf and hit someone! We are all responsible for our actions and its easy to hide behind excuses.
You also do not need moral permission so to speak, to leave. if you are unhappy even if there had been no
abuse you are allowed to go. An abuser deliberately hoovers as they know a person with high empathy/morals will think oh I had better give them a chance . Recently I told a friend I was no longer in contact with a sibling as she is being abusive and i would no longer read her emails and my friend said, oh but what if she sends an email apologising and you have not read it! indeed that is a risk but chances are i would read 30 more unpleasant emails before i got to the apology one if at all. And just because someone may apologise it does not equate a change in behaviour. Abusers know this is how you and friends will think about their hoover techniques.
Its hard though isnt it. I am getting hoovered by my abusive mum and have to throw her letters away without reading as they are nice. And even though i know whats shes doing I cant read them as i so want her love even after all my life of being abused and I want her words to be true. And when i read them i think maybe im overreacting and life with her was not so bad.
Keep strong and take care

[Tuppance]

I am here too with this. He was horrible at the weekend, told me to get out on (detail removed by Moderator) . Then apologies, asking for a list of things I would change about him. For gods sake. Why now? He wants to walk with kids, wants to skip through fields of daisies. He doesn’t get my distress, anxiety, dark dark days, inability to cope to think. To process, to make decisions – I am spiralling downhill. It eating. Chain smoking, black coffee to keep me alert, dizzy. Empty, list. All because of him. He repulsed me and now Sa have been contacted – because of HIM. And now he wants to be nice today? For gods sake I wish he would vanish.

[KIP.]

My ex often called me delusional. They are the delusional ones. Just been reading HG Tudor. Written by a n********t and he explains things from the n*********s way of thinking. The first thing he says is dont bother trying to work them out. Thats exactly how they keep us hooked x

[Anabela]

PhoenixBlue, you are miserable because deep down you know that all his nice behaviour is fake and temporary. You remember way too well, how he have treated you and you probably are expecting for him to drop his mask and get back to his old self. You can’t just wipe away the past. At least that’s how I felt. When I told him I am leaving, he suddenly became so nice and caring, referring to the things that mattered to me. He even said he wants to ask my parents for my permission to marry me!! I did gave up and agreed to give us another chance (totally ignoring his talks about marriage though), but I did that fully knowing that it is a mistake. He was nice, and romantic and all that, and yet I felt cold and ignorant. I was waiting until he will stop pretending and when he will start being abusive again. Because I remembered how he treated me, the words he spoke, the fear I used to feel. In a few months, I started feeling the tension building up. And I realized honeymoon is ending…

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