Why is he haunting me after so long?

[Lifeinterrupted]

In my (detail removed by Moderator) I got into a relationship with a guy much older than me and was with him for (detail removed by Moderator) years. The relationship got serious very quickly and he seemed perfect. He started to become abusive after about 6 months, and thisngot worse over time. Mostly it was emotional (gaslighting, controlling, humiliation etc) but also sometimes physical. At the time, I didn’t really understand what was happening. Towards the end of the relationship I was diagnosed with depression, which was then used against me to blame me, told I was crazy etc. I felt like I was completely losing myself and my mind. I tried many times to leave, and when I did he threatened to kill himself or me. Eventually he moved on to another much younger victim. We have no contact.

I never sought any help for the abuse at the time, didn’t even tell my family till years later. I’m not sure I even realised it was abuse. I never told even my GP. I just buried it and got on with my life. I have suffered with depression and anxiety on and off but had been much better for a few years. I married a lovely man and was happy.

Fast forward to (detail removed by Moderator) and all of a sudden I started having flashbacks and really intrusive memories and emotions about what happened. I feel the same confusion, shame, guilt that I did then. I dream and think about him all the time 1 sometimes I am scared and sometimes its like I miss him?!

I feel on edge all the time and feel like maybe some of it was my fault, if I had done something different perhaps he would have changed. I am remembering things I want to forget and feel like I am losing my mind at times because the memories are so fragmented. It feels like grief, but surely not for the loss of a person that caused me so much pain? I can’t understand why this is happening after so long, and I am scared. Shouldn’t I be over this by now? Where has it come from?

[Anonymous]

Dear Lifeinterrupted,

I’m sorry you are going through this.
Do you think you have processed everything you went through in that relationship?
It might be coming back if you haven’t had the chance to understand what exactly happened to you.
It’s normal to miss them too. Abusers can put on a good show, which is a side that we love/loved.
I’m sure we all have areas we can work on. But there is nothing you did that caused the abuse. That was his doing. And not your fault.
There is a book I’m reading at the moment that someone here recommended to me recently. Maybe it will help explain some of what you are experiencing. It’s called ‘How He Gets into Her Head’ by Don Hennessy. Another book that comes to mind is ‘Psychopath Free’ by Jackson MacKenzie. Jackson goes into how we can actually become addicted to our abuser.
Sorry I don’t really have advice. Books have really helped me. My counselor was really helpful in getting me through the confusion and helping me see things for what they really were.
And as far as the possibility of things working out with him if you were different, I’m guessing those are his words in your mind. They are constantly blaming us.
Best Wishes! xx

[Lifeinterrupted]

Thank you Ocean.

I am not sure I ever really processed what happened, I was so young when I met him and looking back, it is like I was brainwashed. It completely shaped my sense of self. I think I totally detached from what happened once the relationship ended, like it happened to someone else… and only now is it really sinking in just how toxic that relationship was. The memories are painful and I just want them to go away.

I was at a good place in my life and I am scared I am going backwards. My husband is struggling with it as he knew the person concerned and it feels like an intrusion into our lives. I worry this will affect our relationship or I am going mad.

[Hawthorn]

Hi Lifeinterrupted,

You are not going mad but I understand it can feel that way. It sounds like you are suffering from PTSD. Abusive relationships are very traumatic and you were terribly abused, at a formative age by someone you loved. I suffered with it after leaving my abusive relationship and identify with many of symptoms you describe; the nightmares, the flashbacks, the dreams about good times.
There IS grief in the ending of an abusive relationship, for the man you thought you loved, for the life you planned with him, and most importantly for yourself. Accepting that you were deceived and preyed upon and abused by someone you trusted. Someone who should have loved you best.
You can overcome this. I cant recommend counselling highly enough. You can still contact your local womens aid for support and advice. Your GP would also be a great option, they can direct you towards local support services too. Meantime posting here, mindfulness and grounding practices(there’s lots of good stuff on youtube) will all help you to process. I’ve found journaling to be really helpful. Just burn the pages after if what comes up is upsetting, it’s very cathartic.
Books include; The Body Says No by Bessel van derby Kolk and Healing from Hidden Abuse, also Pete Walker has lots of good online resources.
Keep reaching out, you’re very brave and you are not alone xx

[Lifeinterrupted]

Thanks, Hawthorn. It helps to look at it that way. I have never sought help because of the guilt and shame, which I still feel. I think I got to the point where I had convinced myself it wasn’t that bad, or it felt like it had happened to somebody else and not me. I really do need help now. The hardest thing is just acknowledging that I was abused and it wasn’t my fault.

In the cold light of day, I know my abuser is a very damaged person and I think maybe I thought I could love him better, and made excuses for him because of his own past.

You are right about grieving. I think that is a big part of it. I am definitely grieving for my younger self, so naive and hopeful, and all the years I gave to someone who could never love me the way I deserved. Such a betrayal of trust. In hindsight the relationship was borderline inappropriate given the age difference. There was a huge imbalance of power. I need to get as much help as I can now, I have been carrying this burden for too long and I am tired.

[Hawthorn]

I’ve heard trauma described as being like a ripple in the carpet of your life, you can keep pushing it down but it will just pop up somewhere else. The only solution is to lift it up and see what’s underneath. It’s hard work but so very worthwhile. In many ways it’s the most important work you will ever do.
It begins with being kind to yourself. You’re right, you were naive, as was I, but it’s no crime to enter a relationship with an open and loving heart. It’s a beautiful thing in fact, and it is not our fault that we were targeted by skilled abusers who only cared about having their own needs met. You did not deserve the abuse, and it is his guilt and shame to carry, not yours. You dont have to carry it for him anymore. You never did xx

[Palazzo]

hi All
i sympathise and also – if i may- i swear by therapy. i m a product of abusive father, to the point where his legal rights were taken away. i then spent years learning how to be ”normal” and just when i thought i had it i got engaged. i thought i finally conquered the past to have this amazing man who was so sure so quickly… and then it started, slowly… i ended up having to have a restraining order against him, but that was the final straw- i called therapist and spent next 9-12 mths re learning. it was painful, it was unwanted and i tried all they threw at me, inc hypnotherapy. i hope it worked, i m different and a huge advocate for counselling . we never know when past catches up with us, stay strong and dont feel bad if it creeps in, it was too deep routed to just go away, but there is a way forward and out of it x

[Anonymous]

Dear Lifeinterrupted

Like others who have responded I think you may be experiencing PTSD. We get so used to pushing things deep down inside ourselves, to protect ourselves, that it can take a long time for them to emerge in our psyche.

I think sometimes the effects of the trauma do only manifest when you are safe and if you’re married and happy and in a good place then it makes sense to me that, in this place of safety, these unprocessed things emerge.

Above Hawthorn mentioned Pete Walker, a book by him called Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving has been so helpful to me and it might help you too.

Take care xx

[Lifeinterrupted]

Thanks everyone for your replies. It just helps to know that someone gets it, you know? Because unless someone has been through it, I think it’s really hard to understand. Sometimes you just need someone to say ‘the way you are feeling is natural, and what happened to you wasn’t OK, and it was not your fault’.

I have reached out to my GP and she also suggested PTSD. She is referring me to specialist services. She was really compassionate and looked far back over my medical history. She said she thinks that has been an issue for me for a long time but just was not recognised (periods of depression/anxiety and unexplained symptoms which started when I was with him and carried on for years then sort of went away on their own – until now).

I do wish I had spoken out then, but I was doing the best I could, still being so young. I guess I thought burying it all was the right thing to do, I never knew any better. I do think I really need some therapy now to process this. I am going to seek counselling. It does make sense that maybe this has all bubbled up because I feel safe and strong enough now to handle it. I will do anything.

[Author]

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