Why is it so hard

[We can do this]

Hi lovely people.
So I have had a visit today, he came to bring me a letter. He looked an absolute mess and it broke my heart. He has started the ball rolling for receiving help for himself. The letter obviously says everything we wish to hear in situations like this. It’s knocked me for 6 if I’m honest. Is he going to change or is this all some sort of tactic? I’m not going back unless there is improvement but now I am doubting myself. Why can it not just be straight forward? I have never been someone who questions people or been cynical, I just feel like I can’t trust my own judgement anymore. My friend has said he is just saying it to get you back in the house, he will try to change but he won’t be able too. Im just finding it all a bit much at the minute as I so desperately want to believe him. Can a person ever really change? X

[Wants To Help]

Hi there,

I don’t believe he will change, not for good anyway, and not for the right reasons. He’s doing and saying all the right things to hook you back in, to get you to feel sorry for HIM, and to make you feel guilty by not giving him another chance.

The truth is, he doesn’t need to change his behaviour for you, he needs to change his behaviour for the benefit of everyone who is in his life now and in future. His desire to change should be driven by him wanting a better life for himself. So many times we see these men promise to change, and then when they get us back they decide they don’t actually need to change at all because their promises alone got them the result they wanted so now there is no need to follow it through. My ex did this too. He promised to go to anger management classes, then when I went back to him he said he’d only go if I paid for the course, then changed the goal posts again and said he only got angry because I did x,y and z and if I didn’t do those things he wouldn’t be angry!

My DA support worker put all this in to context for me. She told me that people need to change for themselves, not for others. She was quite a plump lady and told me that people thought she should lose weight for her own health but she was actually quite happy with how she was. She told me she could join a slimming club to keep people happy but she guaranteed me she wouldn’t lose a pound because she didn’t actually want to, but if it meant other people were happy that she was going then so be it. She’d attend each week and be physically present but not actually participate to lose weight at all.

You have left your abuser because of the abuse, not because you have met someone else. See how he reacts when you tell him you are proud of him for wanting to change and you wish him all the best in his journey but it makes no difference to your decision and you no longer wish to be with him. I’ll bet his journey of self help will soon stop (if it ever started!) and he will just escalate his abuse to you with further anger and causing further difficulties for you. The proof is in his actions, not his words or letters.

Don’t fall for it at all. This forum has over 8000 members and not one of us have posted that their abuser has gone on to be an amazing man and they completely regret the day they left him! 🙂

[Kitkat44]

Hello!
Had similar situations the other day. Mine admitted he had been abusive. He was full of remorse and claimed to not know what he was doing. Considering he has rarely apologised in the past this completely shocked me.
And yes it changed how I saw things briefly and I doubted myself again, perhaps I have one of those rare ones that can change. I believe now this is new tactic because things have never got to the point where I could walk out the door. He sensed I was that close and had to pull something new out the bag. I’m still working on my escape plan but having to let him think his “realisation” and apology have turned me around for now while is exhausting.
Just take time to listen to yourself and there is no rush, great if he wants to make improvements for himself. Be cautious, time will tell.
Xx

[Bettertimesahead]

When mine first left I said I’ll wait a year and if he can stop drinking and sort himself out then maybe we can see. Less than (removed by moderator) months after that when his (removed by moderator) had to collect him from the roadside before the got arrested for being drunk and disorderly I filed for divorce. No regrets. His behaviour since has proved I made the right choice. Never been one ounce of remorse, acknowledgment of what he’d done or continues to do. It’s not easy but we have given them too many chances already

[We can do this]

Thank you for your responses, its funny how you know all the answers in your own head but they have a way of knocking you off kilter. Today he visited (removed by moderator) for a coffee. He hasn’t even set foot on their street for a number of years after upsetting my mum.
I just can’t believe that I have to question everything that he does rather than accept it at face value like ‘normal’ people do. I have contacted him (removed by moderator) to tell him to give me the space that I asked for. I know its all a new tactic as the old ways are no longer working, I just wish it wasn’t so exhausting. On a positive note, I have treated my self to a haircut (removed by moderator)! Onwards and upwards and each day at a time. Thank you all for listening xx

[Wants To Help]

The cheek of him!! I bet there were times in your relationship when you were desperate for him to spend time with your family and make amends and he d**n well refused and criticised her? Were there times when you attended family functions alone because he didn’t want to spend time with ‘your family’?

It’s all part of the show, it’s all fake. Don’t fall for it. xx

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