Why is it so hard to leave?

[Chocolatebunnie]

Why cant I have a knight in shining armer or a magic wand?

I feel like Im two people, one who wants to be free and one who wants to bury their head in the sand and just except things.

I have told the older kids I want out, and they support me which is amazing, they see and feel what I do too with their dad. Thing is I feel so fake at times when things are ok with husband and they know how I really feel. I feel two-faced as they know how i feel and then Im laughing and joking with him or theres a rare show of affection. Even when its good its not the same as when I didnt see who he really is.

I know I need to get my ducks in a row, my husband has plans which I cannot let happen as this will make my situation harder to escape from. I have to contact a solicitor and get advice, DA support worker has given me a contact but im so scared. Dont get me wrong i am grateful for her support and I know she is right and I know Im backing down right now. I was hoping for someone to come with me to the solicitor, to make contact with necessary people to help me get out of this situation, but I have to do this myself and my god I am already dealing with so much besides this relationship mess.

I am so frightened of the consequences of what this ‘really’ means. My relationship with this man is more than (detail removed by Moderator) years, Im no spring chicken.

I feel so guilty, hes good to the younger kids, not so with the older but then dont we all have our problems nobody is perfect?

Is the grass looking greener but in fact better the devil you know? Im scared to be alone, to parent alone, to run a home by myself and not have any back up. But then im told im kinda already doing this alone, its inconsistent support from him.

I look at couples when im out and see affection and theyre united and I wonder is it real? Are there really happy couples, everyone has problems, what arent we seeing they seem happy but what else, I cant believe and have no faith in relationships.

What if I never meet anyone else or if I do I meet someone as bad or even worse?

I have kind of promised the older ones this is it!

Things have been horrible for weeks and now hes being nicer again, its amazing how quickly you can get swept back in and I do see a cycle I do see hes changed his tactics I so see it and feel such a fool for being so weak!!

[Bananaboat]

I feel this, I wrote a similar post earlier although I have got a new place organised so one further step on. These relationships are so confusing and my brain is doing the whole ‘is the grass greener, was he that bad etc’ thing like yours. Did you keep a journal? I keep looking back at that and it’s helping to remind me. My eldest is desperate to get out and seeing her light up in the new place has confirmed why I’m doing this but like you, surviving is exhausting enough, throwing all this organisation and extra stuff on top is really really tough. I wish there was a knight in shining armour too, to make those phone calls and hold your hand. We’ve kept quiet for so long it’s strange to talk to ppl and I’m finding that hard. I don’t know if it would help you but i keep reminding myself this is short term but as you’ll see from my post, I think we all need a bit of extra help at this stage. Good luck xx

[Chocolatebunnie]

Just replied to your post, didn’t see you had replied to mine too and same situation definitely. Thanks for replying and sending you hugs good luck x*x

[searchingforhope]

I’m exactly where you both are. Out but feel I’m getting sucked back in. Would it be easier to give in?
I feel utterly torn apart.
Hope ye find strength to keep going. I feel you completely

[Bananaboat]

I keep thinking should I let him move into my new place?! What madness is my brain doing. It’s nice to know this is all normal and as awful as it is there’s been quite a few similar threads these last few days so we’re definitely not alone. I hope you stay strong too, above all safe xx

[searchingforhope]

You too, in ways I regret letting the place I found go. I could have made that my own. But I try not to let my brain go there now, as for time being I’m still in the kids home, without him. So taking positives, is kids didn’t have to leave their home.
I cannot honestly see what direction am I going in right now, but I’m hoping surely day by day that I will return to myself, with my spirit and energy back and not feel so depleted. I really hope and pray that for you all too.
Contacted the library today to get Bancroft book and any recommended re emotional abuse. Considering seeing is there any possibility of low cost in person counselling available locally too. I’ve done sessions by zoom and phone, but wondering would in person help more. Then I also know its getting the right counsellor. I’m just trying to find anyway to find strength for whatever the next step is.
I hope you can keep going and keep finding strength. You absolutely deserve to be happy.
Wishing we find that magic wand, even if it takes a little while to cast the spell we want. Little steps will do for now I guess.

[Gerbil]

Dear chocolatebunny, searching for hope and BananaBoat
I too am in the same position as you all. So so desperate to leave. So unsettled. Hating every second spent with him. Hating watching how it affects our kids. Sometimes I feel so desperate. I am not trying to overtake your post….just wanted to let you know you are not alone and I understand.
Take care x*x

[Eggshells]

I think that the hardest thing for people to understand is the fear. Until I left my ex, I had no idea how terrifying it is.

Somehow, you take that first step and you realise that you are OK. You are still breathing, still managing to feed yourself and take care of yourself, still getting the kids to school, still making it into work.

Then you hit a hurdle and the terror leaps forward again but you stop, you realise that you’ve tackled the worst – you left -and you are surviving. If you can do that, you can jump the next hurdle. The more hurdles you clear, the more the fear melts away and the more confident you become.

As time passes, you look back and realise that many of your fears were implanted by your abuser, they weren’t real.

Try to focus on the here and now. Focus on getting through today and worry about the future another day.

There’s a great song by Jason Mraz called “Living in the Moment”. In the lyrics he sings

“I will not waste my days
Making up all kinds of ways
To worry ’bout all the things
That will not happen to me”

The entire song was a lesson to me.

You are more resilient than you know if you just take it one day at a time. xx

[Gerbil]

Eggshells
Your advice is so spot on..thank you x

[Chocolatebunnie]

Absolutely loved ready these so supportive thank you 😊 x*x

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