Why is it so hard to leave?

[Raindays]

I don’t understand what is wrong with me why can’t I just get up and go when it’s all I want. I keep making up excuses like the kids and work but when it’s all I want to do what is stopping me so much.
I’m so unhappy and he knows it I often just lay in bed when I’m not working to get away from my life. He doesn’t care if I’m happy as long as he is happy. He knows I don’t want him in the house but won’t go so I have to leave and turn my children’s life upside down, but I could still do it, I could find somewhere else but I feel like there’s chains round my legs I feel emotionally drained and like I can’t even breath. Wish I just had more strength 😔🤦‍♀️

[Cecile]

I know the chains around the legs feeling, good way to describe it. These men suck all the energy, spirit and motivation out of us. Have you got a plan Raindays? I know it’s hard when you feel so depressed but start with a blank page and a pen and write a shorty list of steps that can get you started. Keep a journal. Things like telling your doctor, ringing a helpline, checking out the finances needed. Whatever you feel you can do discretely to start the process. I hope others can give you advice as well, this forum is great, and you know you deserve to live life to the full. X

[HopeLifeJoy]

Yes Cecile is right, a plan will energise you, giving you the strength needed to get out. Abusers do drain us out with their utter non sense, time to put him on mute and focus on you and get everything sorted.
A support network is everything, contact everyone indeed, jot down a plan, start with contacting the experts, Women’s Aid, they’ll be able to assist you step by step. It takes one chat or phone call to start. That is all. You need few word only. Abuse and wanting out of the relationship.

Make sure you get enough (real deep) sleep if you can, get vitamin & mineral supplements to keep you fit, iron, B complexion, vitamin D, take something multi against fatigue so you’re covered in all areas.

Take it step by step. Tank energy if you can from a ray of sunshine on your face for a couple of minutes, from a soothing shower, with fresh washed hair you always feel better and ask your family and friends to come over one after the other, each week or weekend another person, keep them rotating to help you out with the children and household whilst you gather your energy and make your escape plans.

Keep steady and calm and if you are tired it is okay you know, take it step by step, baby steps is really fine.

Sending you strength darling

[Hetty]

I agree with what’s been said. Make plans one step at a time. I’ve been doing this with a heavy heart but it’s helped me gain focus and not feel so trapped. If it helps you just tell yourself you’re just exploring options and that you don’t have to make any snap decisions. I just stared with de cluttering, taking important documents to my family. I then made an appointment with my local domestic abuse organisation and then sought financial and housing advice. I confided in a few good friends. One step at a time. Know you have options and you are in control xx

[Raindays]

Thankyou everyone,
He does just drain me… I set my mind to leave and because I’m not giving him the attention he wants he is waking me most of last night keep saying he is sorry and that he can’t live without me, I tried to pretend I wasn’t awake but kept doing it and then he said are you ignoring me, I don’t even want to get into this convocation I’m so scared of his reactions, I just don’t know what he will do but I just feel like saying leave, nothing will ever change, now today he acts like no difference again. He asks if I want to go out somewhere and I said no, I’m so mentally and physically drained I am not looking after myself like I normally do xx

[Hetty]

If you’re scared of his reaction then you’re right not to get into conversation with him about what you really want. Sadly these conversations get us nowhere and risks escalate. In your own mind start mentally preparing yourself for what you want. I know this is so hard while still in the relationship. If you haven’t already you could get an appointment at your local domestic abuse organisation on. At no point did they make me feel pressured into doing anything I did not want to do. They can help you get some clarity. You could also make a gp appointment and explore other support options like medication or counselling if these are things you think might help you. Does anyone close to you know what you’re going through? X

[Raindays]

Hi Hetty
Yes I have told a few people close to me but I hate putting onto people and my eldest child also knows she agrees with me assess the real him.
Part of the trouble and putting up with it so long is the threats of killing himself or saying he can’t live without me, no one will love me like he does etc it’s the dowbt she gives me that I can’t do this alone and the guilt I feel as to how it will upset him but all I know is I’m seriously unhappy and the way Iv been treat I can’t go back and he thinks I should and even tried to say this wasn’t his fault (again!!) I just constantly go round in circles with him and can’t win 😔 he isn’t going to just leave.

[diymum@1]

As the ladies say prepare slowly be practical about that. My ex claimed he was depressed for many years when I put him out the house I was sent pics of (removed by moderator). He even (removed by moderator) xx they know what they are doing it’s all to make you feel sorry for them so you’ll stay xx it’s a tactic. You know I saw his medical record he had (removed by moderator) no mental health depression or real thoughts of suicide xx all crocodile tears and playing the victim xx don’t fall for it

[Hetty]

You can’t take responsibility for his mental health. The threats he is making are part of the emotional abuse. You can’t give up your life to save his. If he was serious about taking positive action he’d seek support. As for no one loving you like he does, let’s hope not! This isn’t real love. As others have said these are tactics.
Don’t feel like you’re putting onto people. We all need help from time to time. Would you see someone alone and struggling? Not likely. Don’t think you have to go through this alone. ❤️

[Raindays]

It’s hard to work out what real love is when you been stuck in this for over 2 decades all I think about now is being on my own the second I try to suggest it he starts being all suicidal.. so I’m plodding on here so unhappy and he also suddenly starts acting normal, I can’t bare him touching me anymore all I thjnk about is all the things he has done over the years and I told him this and he dismissed it and said he can’t help it it isn’t his fault … this makes me angry Cos it isn’t my fault yet he wants me to put up with it! He is starting to yell a lot over the last few days and because I am not sleeping with him becoming angry with me, but Iv tried to explain what he has done and why I feel the way I do, he doesn’t care… today I went to the gym he had to come too and just sat and watched me, I literally cannot do anything on my own 😔 x

[Woollymammal]

Hi Raindays,

I can totally relate as most kmow on here, how I’ve left and come back.. the last time after 2 hours and put most things back before he got home..
Ladies said on here, I’ll know when I’m ready to go, and after spending nearly 3 years learning as much knowledge as possible, finding out (detail removed by moderator)..It finally hit me.. it was like the light was turned on in my brain and I was now are of the abuse cycle..
I didn’t realise what the ladies meant.. but I do know now.. I can’t wait to go, and I look at him, knowing he’s doing it on purpose.. grrr.. but I’m finally 100% to go and not come back.. I’m hopefully getting an offer for viewing..
Sending hugs
X*x

[Rainbowcloud]

I’m in the same boat I’ve got him out a couple of times but he worms his way back in they follow a script I’m sure. Mine hasn’t gone for a good while he knows i won’t ever have him back if he goes this time because I’m not that person anymore the beggy needy person I was I know now it’s him not me if he goes it would be a massive relief for me.
I am thinking now how to leave and am looking at houses out of the area I just dint know what to do for the best get him out or leave myself. I am ready mentally just putting into action is very hard I find.

[Daisydo]

Hi Rainydays. I totally get your situation, I had decided January will be when I start my plan. I told him I want us to go to mediators and sort all the finances, house & children out, and he acted shocked. We have had problems for ages, caused by his anger and abusive behaviour, not just just to me but our children and other family members. Then (detail removed by moderator) months ago I told him I had had enough, but he won’t leave and when he did, he came back a fortnight later, saying he was suicidal and on medication and I let him back home, but not back to the bedroom. Now I have told him I want to sort everything out, he says he can’t cope with losing both me and his precious home and it would finish him! He wants me to leave with the (detail removed by moderator) younger children and he stays in the house with the (detail removed by moderator) older ones. But even if I was happy to leave the house, I’m not ok with splitting up or leaving behind (detail removed by moderator) of the kids with him, especially my eldest daughter. It’s not an option. But why should I leave & disrupt the children so he gets to stay. My solicitor has said if it went to court chances are I would get to stay in home until youngest leaves education but he makes me feel responsible for him & such a horrible, heartless human. He blames everything on me. I just wish they would act like decent humans, do what’s right for the children, take responsibility for their actions and why we feel like we do, and do the right thing and leave!! It makes everything so painfull for all involved, when they have done so much damage already.
DD xx

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